New to single parenting…

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  • #38743 Report

    Pati
    Participant

    Hi. 

    I am a mum to a wonderful little boy.

    I am also about to become a single parent. I feel petrified. I am drafting up a proposal of a separation for my husband. I told him last night I want to split up.

    We grew apart, he is never home, we don’t communicate, I am constantly under a lot of pressure to pretend everything is fine in front of friends and family. I cannot handle this any longer. There is no trust left nor the willingness to make it work.

    He has said he will chnage so many times before I cannot bear to hear another empty promise.

    I feel like screaming when I see him. I feel trapped. I feel hopeless. But I know I cannot stay with him any longer.

    All my friends are happily married and I don’t know another single mum. The future seems so scary. I cannot imagine what it is going to be like… I would really welcome any words of encouragement and most of all tips of how to handle the separation. I know he will not want to go ahead with it and it will not be easy.

    Thank you for reading.

    Pati

    #38765 Report

    Saffronrose
    Participant

    Hi I’m fairly new to it as well. I am nervous about being a single mum but what I can tell you is that even in this short time since I left I’m a better mum on my own than I was in the marriage I was in as I’m less distracted by the what was going on with my relationship with my partner. I think that what awaits you can be positive and what awaits you for sure is possibility rather than a continuation of a situation which it seems is not making you happy. He will not necessarily take it well, but it will be the start of an end to an unhappy situation for the both of you. I’m nervous about meeting people and how things will be post lockdown. I didn’t leave my relationship easily and am finding the loss of it difficult particularly without actual social contact. I think if you look to all the positives the separation can result in, perhaps make a list of things you will try and pursue and what you are looking forward to about being away from an unhappy marriage that might help. If you can be kind in what you write to him and try and keep it fairly concise but clear. An email is probably best and maybe just get a half hour of legal advice before so you understand what your rights are with regards to your children and finances. My situation was quite complicated because of a number of factors but I can highly recommend making yourself as educated on what separation involves as you can to take away the fear of the unknown. What I’ve found is that there are a lot of single parents out there and the ones I’ve met since considering the end of my marriage have been a wealth of support and experience. Think as well about your married friends who you will still have contact with. My friends and family have been a godsend at this time. Don’t think that because people aren’t single that they still won’t be willing to help or still be available to you. People will come through and those that don’t will have been there for you in other times and that’s okay. We’ve had cards from family friends, offers of support with childcare post lockdown, and within lockdown FaceTimes with other children. I hope this helps. It’s scary what you’re considering but honestly I think of myself being on lockdown with my partner rather than a single parent with my son, and for all the difficulties that entails, I know it was the right decision. We go for walks together and there’s no tension just me and my child looking at ducks. I’m tired and I’m distracted and in mourning but I’m finding so much joy in life and I’m not constantly worrying about my relationship and factors that only my husband and not myself could control. And I have so much more peace now despite the fact that my child is rather climbing the walls! Big love to you it’s possible and it’s worth it x

    #38772 Report

    Dorota
    Participant

    Hi Pati,

    all i can say is that you are not alone and im here for you if you are happy to chat.

    I have separated with my husband after 14 years, have two boys and no family or friends around. I do not have too many tips re separation as its quite recent. It is scary and lonely place and i am trying to make it work, as much as for majority of the times i just want to pack my bags, step out of the door and sod it all 😉

    #38877 Report

    Pati
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your message. Made me cry reading it but in a relief and a good way.

    Self isolation is tough and so much more so with a child!

    We are still under one roof and he tries so hard despite me continuously saying I want out of this relationship. I don’t know what the future holds for me but reading your posts fills me with hope and belief that it may offer piece of mind and inner calmness that I miss so much.

    Did you meet other single parents here through Gingerbread?

    Thank you xx

    #38878 Report

    Pati
    Participant

    My relationships has been of 15 years. I was so young back then that’s one of the things I am scared of… I have never been truly alone. I moved out of my family home to live with my now husband and never learnt to just rely on myself. That’s a challenge in itself not to mention a looking after a toddler and holding up work.

    How old r your boys?

    And where about are you both from?I live in Hertfordshire

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