New to Gingerbread, single father of 2 disabled teenagers.

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Sergio01 6 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #23347 Report

    Sergio01
    Participant

    January the 13, my then wife of 19 years, told me that she want a divorce, that she don’t love me for years ( despite that in front of my children’s  she ask me if I want to renew ours bows ) I answer without a doubt YES, and then I said… then you continues to love me… she said, of course…why u keep asking the same question all the time? ( ??????? ) and then she said…u are so insecure…

    For the last 13 years I have be the carer of my childrens ( I must take my son to his classroom every day ) hospital apps. x2, physio,hydrotherapy, in bad days I must take my son from school, and then houskeeping…shoping.

    When I listen the word divorce, I felt sick…and continue to be…my life was around my family,my home…today with no friends ( my wife was my best friend or I was thinking she was ) I don’t blame her…but my self, I should have tried to be a better husband, and I failed I don’t have try hard enough to make my wife happy… today we live under the same roof…and I’m a stranger to her…I must come to terms to accept the end of the marriage… but is not easy

     

    #23355 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    No it’s not easy. Sometimes bitter truths are things you have to face and people on here who have separated will tell you the same.  You will read back what you messaged above in a few months and you’ll understand everything.  You may even be angry at yourself but it won’t be for the reasons above….it will be for giving yourself such a hard time.  It’s admirable you put your life around your family but to dismiss the need for friends outside of the relationship puts immense pressure on the other person, as it builds up dependency…..needing the other person instead of wanting them, and both partners having a healthy social life of their own, but choosing to be together.  From the way you describe her actions and the way you talk of yourself you seem to have very low confidence… If you haven’t yet separated and you are going through a rough patch I’d urge you to find help with this.  What you are describing sounds like some situations where a marriage drifts and one person tries too hard to please the other takes the pleaser for granted and loses attraction.  You have to find within yourself the person you were when she met you….before you felt you had to try so hard….when things were fun.  Instead of trying hard to please which is probably driving her away..just focus on being a good dad and enjoy life.. Focus on being yourself without apology or looking for approval.  This is something you need to do whether you separate or not.  Give her a reason to stay…but don’t make it because you beg or feel if you are nice to her then stands to reason she should love you, it doesn’t work that way.  Make her realise you are still the person she fell in love with all those years ago

    If you haven’t tried counselling together please do…don’t give up . but I’d encourage you to find some support for yourself in first instance.

    Separation with kids when it’s two people having drifted apart as opposed to abuse or adultery for example is such a shame, and sometimes it can be as simple as you didn’t have the conversations you needed to when you needed to.  It is an extremely painful process and one that if there is any hope of saving things….and you clearly do still love her, then it may be worth putting in one last effort.  It may be even that she just needs things to change and has given up on this happening….she sees you differently than she did.  Show her who you are….show her you can be the person you once were.  If she still doesn’t want to know then you’ve dine all you can but at least you can say you tried

    Sorry for the long post.  Sometimes I’m not the best at articulating myself…but I think it’s more common than people realise that when a partner tries too hard to please it can have the opposite effect to that intended and push someone away.  It’s a hard lesson to learn as it’s counter intuitive but wanting someone or loving someone is not the reason someone stays with you….it’s because they want YOU.  So just be YOU.  If they want you happy days, if they don’t then wit until you meet someone who does.

    Don’t seek approval.  Be the good guy and good dad you know you are don’t be so keen to have to demonstrate it.  Hope that made sense.

    Just talking from my past mistakes..(incidentally not the wife of my child but a valuable life lesson.

    #23364 Report

    Sergio01
    Participant

    Thank u very much for your post.

     

    #23365 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Welcome.  I hope it was taken as intended.  Good luck and I do hope things will improve for you.  Always happy to listen.  This is a good forum and members and staff alike are extremely supportive.  Don’t suffer in silence…. You’re going to be OK.

    #23368 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Sergio, whatever else, if you have loved and cared for your family for so many years, you certainly haven’t failed.

    If you are now separated but under the same roof, it is time to have some time for you. Tell your wife (ex) you want half a day a week for yourself. Use it to join a gym or a club or get an allotment or do whatever you like to do as a hobby. It will give you a chance to make some outside friends, have a bit of space for yourself and she will have to take care of the children by herself for a few hours. Be very firm that you need that time.

    Rebuilding a social life takes a while but your children love you.

    #23369 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    I agree with Kathy.  This is something you need to do no matter what the future of your relationship.  It will help you but also it will show her you are a strong person who knows what they want, what they will allow and that you as a person have a life outside of the roles of father, husband, carer etc.  It may remind her of the person she once knew but more importantly it will remind you of the part of yourself you may have lost in recent years.  You’ll become happier as a person as you will have something positive to look forward to and focus on and showing this, and feeling this might be the difference you need…if not to helping rebuild your relationship …then to move on from it.  You have absolutely nothing to lose and all to gain from what Kathy says, and her last point is extremely important…….the kids will know and be affected by your happiness.  If you are struggling it affects them, they will be very aware… but if you can get yourself to a situation where you are strong and looking after yourself this isn’t selfish, it will give them reassurance… it’s one of their needs to see that you can be happy because they pick up on everything.  You do owe it to yourself to have that time so don’t ask for it, just say what it is you are going to do… Your time now Sergio.

    #23374 Report

    Sergio01
    Participant

    Thank you Kathy and Welshdad for your positive words, I’m taking it all on board.

    When I said I failed, (I consider that when a marriage breaks down, it’s a failure, whatever reasons for the breakdowns, it’s still a failure). Evidently, I can’t go into deep details, but certainly the marriage is over, there are things that can’t be undone, or in my case, forget/forgive.

    As you said taking a break/time to myself, it’s not easy. ( My ex wife works full time, and when she isn’t at work, she goes out with colleagues and it is unknown what time she’ll return.

    For her to take the children’s out for the day, I have to ask her and say “please” in order for her to actually take them out ( in rare occasions, she’s free)

    When she’s in the house, all her her attention is on her phone, music, facebook, and other social media apps. By doing this, she completely ignores the childrens. The most strange thing is, when she’s on her phone, she angles her phone away, even when the children go to hug her or go near her, she still turns it away so no one can see what she’s doing.  Like you see, not everything is black and white.

    Thank you very much for the support, both of you

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