New to forum, just separated, finding it really difficult to handle

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  • #12726 Report

    Johnnyd
    Participant

    Hi, I’m not sure if this is the right place for me but I couldn’t find any other online support.  I’m a dad of 3 and have been with my Mrs for 16 years and we never had much me and her time during that period it was mainly family time.  One morning she woke up and decided to tell me she didn’t love me any more.  I know looking back things hadn’ been great the last couple of years because of work commtments we spent less time bonding talking listening so cracks developed in our relationship.  I then found in the last couple of months she fell in love with another person who didn’ love her.  They never had any physical contact just a mental emotional connection from her side not his.  I’ve asked her to try and rebuild our relationship but she isn’ open to trying.  First she said she loved me as a person but wasn’ in love with me.  I gave her a shoulder to cry on over the other person not being Interested, it was due to circumstances and the environment they shared as to why she fell for him (he was her pt).  Since then she told me she hated me, hated the site of me, didn’ want me around, faked the relationship, will only spend time with me for the kids, but then said she did love me, didn’ fake the relatiinshhip she just gradually drifted out of love with me.  Now she doesn’  even find me attractive anymore. Nearer to the end of the break up she wanted to spend time with me doing things she enjoyed but being an idiot I prioritised work.  I think when I didn’t turn up for a major achievement in her life that was when she lost the love. Which was about 3 months ago.  I’ finding it really hard as being in the relationship so long she was my best friend, always by by side, wanting the same things, sharing my life and thoughts.  But now I feel I have no one that understands and no friends.  I still cry over it all and the tears don’ stop.  I am still totally in love with her and now I have lost her I notice the smaller things I stopped paying attention to which has made me fall in love more with her.  The hardest part is we are still living together so see each other all the time. I said I would never leave her always be there for her I didn’ want to find any one else and would always be her friend.  But then I thought nothing has changed for her she still has everything, but me doing more and me feeling like a spare unloved part.  So I’ve told her now I will only offer my support and time to the children and only be civil with her.  I won’t do anything other than look after the children’ needs.  I’l only clean my mess.  The kids mess when I’m looking after them.  Only do my food and the kids not hers.  Not babysit while she goes out.  Not offer her support or friendship.  But I just don’ know if this is all the right thing to do And everything is so mentally draining.  Trying to also keep it away from the kids is difficult.  They know we are not together apart from our 4 year old who has no idea about any of it.  She just wants everything to carry on as normal without us being together.  She won’ even try which is making me so annoyed she don’t even show any emotion over it like it is nothing.  It’ like she is a totally different person when it come to her and me like she has just cut off completely. If anyone would like to message me please do.  If any one would like to meet up at some point is love a chat I’m in birmingham

    #12728 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    I’m in London, but PM me any time if you want to chat. What you describe is the end of a long relationship and I’m afraid those are never clean or without tears salting the wounds.

    Listen, do me a favour please and that is do yourself a favour.

    The way you’re behaving now is eating you, it’s eating your mind and your soul. It’s not less effort to not care, it’s more – you have to go out of your way to do it. Serenity to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, wisdom to know the difference. And don’t think your 4 year old doesn’t know – they know more than you imagine.

    Always be there and support your child and your wife. The old relationship is over, but the new one is here. It may not be what you want and deserve, but don’t let it change you. That would be the greater waste and all three of you will get hurt because of it.

    All the best.

    #12777 Report

    Adam_1982
    Participant

    It seems when you are out, you’re out. You will have no good qualities and the view of you as a person from her will be skewed. I think it is because the other person is sub consciously trying to convince themselves they are making the right decision and that is easier if you have no good qualities. Of course you do have good qualities but sadly in these scenarios there is rarely a way back. Living together will have to end and you will need to look after yourself. The only thing you can take from this is a lesson and opportunity to reflect, develop and grow as a person. Sadly the journey ahead will be a long one but whilst you remain in the house it doesn’t help. All the best.

    #14770 Report

    ekeaku
    Participant

    Hope you’re ok. Just take it one day at a time and the other posters are spot on too.

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