New to all this and wanting to be future self now!

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  • #48126 Report

    Jaekae
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m recently single after a 20 year relationship.

    I’m lucky in many ways that I am financially secure and have a good relationship with my ex but I am really struggling with being on my own.

    I love company and being with someone and would like to meet someone again but know that rushing is a bad idea. The trouble is I don’t know how to transition from now to when I will be ready to risk getting hurt etc again.

    I’ve looked at online dating but it’s so odd and almost clinical feeling.

    I’m mid 40’s with two primary school kids and think it’s going to be virtually impossible to find someone interested in me in the age group of men who are single – not that there appears to be any from asking friends etc.

    How do I learn to be alone and happy so that if one day someone does appear I don’t seem desperate and needy? – As that’s not attractive!!

    Also, how do I learn to accept that this needs time, when I feel I’m already pushing the age issue?!?

    #48144 Report

    3trollsmom
    Participant

    Hi Jaekae

    I’m in my late 40’s with 3 teens and would love to say financially secure but I am not. We moved countries a few times and the last one before the divorce was really tough. I have returned to the UK after more than 20 years as a single parent starting out again and a handful of friends. Initially I returned on my own to give me time to set up and finally after 16 months my kids joined me. We have moved to a new area where I know nobody, they started school in November in tier 4, and are now in lockdown with the rest of the country.

    It is hard being on your own. When I arrived back I did some online dating (it was the first time I had time to myself in over 16 years!) and had a few interesting dates. Since the end of 2019 I have pretty much stayed offline. I have made some new friends and when I needed to move last September 2 of my online dating friends actually helped me move! In the 1st lockdown I found a guy I really connected with, and although dating him is not on the cards, he has become a great friend and we spent hours chatting.

    This lockdown is much harder as I have the added stress of homeschooling, and during the first 6 months of last year my ex couldn’t work due to restrictions so I supported 2 households. I am struggling with being alone and find it is really a mental thing. This week has been tough for some reason.

    Learning to be happy being alone takes time, it also means you have to learn to enjoy spending time with yourself. Find out what makes you happy, the things you enjoy doing, or don’t enjoy doing? When my ex and I separated I initially found it a relief and didn’t realise how much tension there had been. Having the kids around was great. Being stuck in lockdown in a new country, in a new area is an altogether different story.

    Connecting with someone on a dating website could be a first step. There are some guys out there (I hope!) who are in a similar position to you and I who are also looking for that connection. It is quite scary initially, but quite liberating, to chat to someone online. It is going to be a while yet before we can actually consider going on dates and who knows how you will feel by then! Feeling lonely, in times like this, as a single parent, is very normal – it does not make you desperate or needy – it makes you human. And to be honest you aren’t going to go rushing into anything so try not to worry about getting hurt just yet. Flirt, date, have fun, meet new people, see how it all feels and how it goes.

    Happy to chat if you would like to, and I have a blog if you want to read my journey and see if anything resonates. (3trolls.com on wordpress)

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by 3trollsmom.
    #48148 Report

    Jaekae
    Participant

    Thank you Trollsmum.

    I did look online and met one man who seemed okay until I said I wasn’t sure what would happen between us until we met (Covid allowing). He said I had led him on and was only interested in someone who would commit! I want something long term but I’m not going to decide that until I physically see someone!!!
    That has put me off any more online dating.

    #48152 Report

    Westernchampion
    Participant

    Hi Jaekae

    The first question I asked myself is what do I want to do? The answer is different depending who you ask. Some will say don’t rush into anything, and that is good advice. Rushing into anything is quite difficult when children are involved anyway, at least for some. I started dating 3 months after my ex and I separated, for me that was the right time. I knew our relationship was over and that on-line dating/meeting people could take some time. I’d spent about 10 years single before when my older kids were small so my time was spent either working or with them and I was happy to do that. This time around I felt differently. On line dating can be odd at times and I think generally the experience can be more off putting for women.

    I don’t know how you can transition from how you feel now to when you can risk getting hurt again. For me I had to accept that if I was going to try dating and hopefully meet people, at some point I was undoubtedly going to get hurt, and I did but I wouldn’t change anything. I just thought that the only way to avoid that would have been to not dated at all.

    I’ve always been fairly happy single but that doesn’t mean I want to stay single forever and the way I see it ,If I did nothing about it then nothing would change, but it is important to stay positive, do the things you like, go to the places you like, when you have time, not so easy currently but hopefully soon you can.

    Hope I’ve been of some help.

    #48153 Report

    Lullabelle
    Participant

    Hi,

    I don’t have a lot of advice other than to say that I can empathise. Some people are better at being on their own than others… and I don’t think this is something we should beat ourselves up about! It’s just a difference.

    I am a social person by nature… I like to have a lot of connection with people and I like to be in a relationship. And that’s just me. I don’t think that there is a ‘right time’s to test out dating again… the major risks though are that you’ll get hurt or that you’ll date someone who isn’t right for you because you’re lonely.

    I think as long as you’re mindful of these two things then date as soon as you feel ready.

    xx

    #48156 Report

    Jaekae
    Participant

    Thanks Westernchampion, that has helped.

    Im okay and like spending time on my own but know that I like having a partner and being in a relationship.

    It’s funny how I can hold down a high pressure job, manage a household but when it comes to dating I’m a teenager again with all the uncertainty and angst again😄.

    Hopefully I will know when I am ready and have moved on – to be prepared to take the risk. It just seems more pressured than I remember but that’s because it’s not just me to consider in all this, I have to think of the kids too.

    But as you say nothing will change unless I allow change and face it!

    #48157 Report

    Jaekae
    Participant

    Lullabelle – you are spot on!

    Big concern for me is accepting okay because I’m scared of being alone. I don’t think I will as I left a marriage, but my confidence has taken a knock since.

    Covid doesn’t help people like us either, I miss my friends and hugs sooo much. Wasn’t probably the best time to start my single life!😊

    Thank you for the message – we’re in this together!xx

    #48292 Report

    Anthony78
    Participant

    Hello Jaekae,

    I’ve been in exact same situation with a woman I met online.  We spend a lot of time video chatting but never saw each other in real life (I met her on one of the international dating sites called Cuteonly).  Anyway, our relationships failed due to worldwide travel restrictions.  I decided to make a pause with online dating until everything gets back to normal.

    #48295 Report

    Jaekae
    Participant

    I agree Anthony78.

    It’s too frustrating in many ways but also I think there’s the risk you really get in to someone only to then meet and the chemistry is not there.

    Oh for the days when we got to meet people through friends and didn’t have to write a cv equivalent of why we might be wonderful to date!😄

    #48309 Report

    abul
    Participant

    Hi i have been single parent last six years. Lot of my friends encourages me to join dating site. I don’t know where to start. I have joined few of them, i found you have to lie or fake chat. I stop using the site.  I lost my confidence. I used to spend the evening in gym or playing badminton. Now everything shut I am struggling pass times. Only so much TV I can watch. I am thinking positive, hopefully I will meet someone genuinely wants spend quality time

    #48329 Report

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think it’s worth remembering that everyone regardless of their situation is feeling lonely and isolated,annoyed,frustrated and even scared at the moment so however you would have felt … it is exaccebated by the pandemic.  I think also resigning to fact you are going  to be alone forever isn’t a good thing.  It is however good to focus on the here and now while you are unable to plan etc for the future, and make your current situation more manageable.

    Instaead of trying to address bing single, try to address your lonliness and isolation.

    You have to drop the age thing… as hard as it is.  You have healthy older people, and people who are young who were once fit and healthy now suddenly disabled.  The pandemic has changed everythng and it’s not goigng to go back to how it was, it can’t possibly…. nor do I think it’ll go to a “new norm” but more a case of everyone adapting and changiung as the situation unfolds.  Certainly the pandemic has made people question many things, and what’s important etc.  I think many people now have a different concept of time, are stopping putting off things they thought they’d always have time for, and living for the moment more.  I think your concern about age, in an age where a deadly virus doesn’t seem to discriminate.  I think there are far more important factors in relationships you will have with people than age…. frinedships or otherwise.

    Focus on being the best person you can, and think what things make you happy rather than who can bring you that happiness.  Look at your current single status as well as the current world situation as an oppportunity to re-discsover yousrelf and find out who you are and what’s important and what makes you happy.

    The past is gone……. the future’s not here and is uncertain….. here and now is all we have.  Just be you now, don’t put life on pause waiting for this person you are going to become eventually…. time stands still for nobody…  what you decide to do today, you are exchnaging a day of your life for.

    Make it a good day 🙂

     

    #48343 Report

    Welshsally
    Participant

    Hi

    I agree with the above, we spend to much time thinking. I know I do and especially in the current situation.

    I find if I’m not working, looking after the kids, the house etc you do find yourself feeling alone.

    I understand the worry of age im almost 47 I don’t feel it at all, and I think is my time up. I think that in few years my kids don’t need me and I have all this free time.

    I guess we need to enjoy the present make that matter.

    #48406 Report

    Jaekae
    Participant

    It’s strange, I feel most alone after having talked to someone via video chat. It’s the lack of face to face contact and then empty house. If I’m alone without that I’m okay. I am starting to do hobbies again, getting to enjoy them and accepting it will take time and also that things won’t feel great at the moment because the pandemic means life is a bit shit now!
    What I miss most – physical contact. Can’t even have a friend round for a hug. Soon hopefully!

     

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