New single mum , hope I stick this out x
24 February 2020 at 12:04 am #37031
Hi all, apologies in advance for rant..
I’ve been registered on here for a while as been in a really difficult situation for a long time but this is my first post. I thought I’d just ask your opinions.
I’ve been with my children’s father for 9 years and care for him a lot. We have 2 boys under 6.
very early in the relationship we experienced something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, we found my brother in law who had sadly taken his own life in a woods near their parents. This obviously hit my children’s father hard, and I’ve been supporting him for years since
I am a therapist myself and mental health nurse so have a good insight into PTSD and depression as I work with this every day.
My situation for the last few years has been that he point blank refuses to get any support , I wouldn’t mind it is his choice, I get that, and has to be if and when he feels ready but his behaviour has been horrible towards me and got worse over that last two years
I’ve been living on egg shells for years never knowing what mood he will be in. I’d get silent to treatment for days or robotic one works answers. This could literally be brought on with no warning and be a reaction so something really small but also I’d just know when I walked in the room he was that way out. I can’t remember how many nights I’ve laid awake all night so my heart racing. There was never anything physical but it was some of the things he would say would crush me. I’d just feel really hurt. Then he would be ok but never apologise. I’d find myself trying to keep him happy constantly, always knowing what I was doing wasn’t right but wanted a quiet life and no atmosphere. In the end my family stopped coming to the house even my eldest son who is early 20s, all my colleagues were concerned and are all mental health professionals. Annoying thing is so is he and in a high up position.
In October after reaching my limit and being in hospital with chest pain twice I decided enough was enough and moved back into a house that I rented out. I said I was leaving our house for some space and not leaving him. Since things have been better at time’s , he has said he has a lot of regrets but still refuses to get any help and is not really any better , there have been a few times he has been really off with me for days . His house is a mess, he isn’t eating properly, he has become obsessive about money, would only ever buy reduced food and do everything as cheap as possible. He has always been this way but now much worse. He won’t put heating on at at all, even when the children visit., even if frosty outside. It’s not like he can’t afford it he has a lot of money in the bank but refuses to spend it. Even getting a coffee when we were out he would get one to share or he wouldn’t get one himself, I refuse to let our children stay over as it’s so cold. I will stand up for myself and there is no give in me when it comes to my boys. They have to put extra clothes on when they go there and I bring them back to me as soon as I can. His older children that I’m really close to have fallen out with him.
He always made me write down everything I spent then gave me 50% back. This was never right though as it wasn’t practical for me to write every single penny. I was a mum of 4 , full time working( I have 2older) and at uni. My issue now is even though I’m living in separate house he still insists that I write everything down and then gives me a cheque. Refuses a bank transfer. He gives me towards childcare but I get nothing towards heating, feeding kids ect., I pay for all activities. Sometimes when we lived together I would write as much as I could remember as this was the only way I’d get anything from him but he would sit and go through it so in the end I just took a loss every month and couldn’t be bothered with the hassle.
Now I’m just struggling with this, every month I dread the money conversation as he always goes through each item and checks it. It drives me mad. I feel much less stressed in my own home as I know if he starts I can just be in my own space. I just don’t know what to do about the money thing.
I’ve been trying and trying with him since I left in October , hoping the shock treatment of me moving out might wake him up enough to see how he is but it only seemed to do that for a couple of months, he seems to be just reacting the same lately as ever before. whilst reading up I cake across trauma bonding .. I cried when I read as it was basically my life. I’ve also heard from his 24 yr old daughter now that he was like this with her mum. This weekend he hasn’t spoke to me for 3 days again and I’m just sick of it. He is saying if I’m not going to move back in he might as well look for someone that accepts him for who he is. I’m upset by the comment as I’ve tolerated so much that many wouldn’t but thinking I might just call his bluff and leave it permanently now.
sorry for the rant guys. I just came on this site a while ago as I felt so lonely even though I was still living with him.
I have some good friends and I’ve got myself a new job that I stared this month. All nerve wrecking but I’m plodding on the best I can.
Hard thing is he is a manager in the area I work , so annoying as I hear people saying to me .. oh your other half if loverly.. he might be if he got help 😢
hope I have strength to see this through x24 February 2020 at 12:12 pm #37045
You deserve SO much better than this. You have tried and tried and tried, but walking on eggshells and putting your needs last is no sustainable way to live. I am so glad you found the strength to leave. Please do not go back. Your OH will never change.
It doesn’t matter if everyone else thinks he’s wonderful etc. They don’t know what it’s like to be the emotional punch bag for his outbursts.
He needs help, but as you rightly say, he needs to recognise that himself. Nothing you say or do will make him.
If he finds someone new to go out with, then more fool them. He will be doing it to hurt you and prove an invalid point to himself. But ultimately if he doesn’t get help then every relationship he has will end.
In respect of the financial element, do you have a formal arrangement or just an agreement between yourselves. It sounds like he’s using this last bit of control to upset you, and punishing you for daring to say enough is enough.
Stay strong. You are doing a fantastic job in trying to work with him, and still caring enough to really want him to get help.
Practically, can you speak with a solicitor for their advice about the financial side of things?24 February 2020 at 11:26 pm #37066
Thanks for taking time to read and reply. I just need to get my head round he isn’t gonna change hun. I’m done with trying to reason with him. I was just trying my best for my boys.
I’m definitely getting there. I’ve actually been there a while just exhausted with it 🙄..
There is no financial agreement officially, There is no way he would pay solicitors to sort one .
I’ve been looking into it. I’m going to have to or I’m not going to get anything. I’ve had nothing this month and not going to ask. No energy for it.
Im in shock with how he has been with me tonight. I’m just going to try and switch off. Just feeling mentally drained with it. I’m just glad I’m here and not there.
thank u again for reply. Xx25 February 2020 at 8:40 am #37072
Apply for a CMS, apply for a C100. You don’t need a proper solicitor. You can get free legal advise as long as request are basic
Keep record of everything and do never hesitate to report him to the police in case of domestic abuse especially emotional one.
I know what it is especially when people think that the other one is better and perfect when he need help25 February 2020 at 9:59 am #37078
thank you I’ll look into this x