New relationships

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  • #44113 Report

    Mum247
    Participant

    Is it sad to feel like wanting more with someone isnt possible when you have help with u/credits? Been seeing someone who has been burnt before (having footed the bill for everything in the relationship) and I want to pay my way as much as I can on part time wages. Obviously this means i get help with u/credit but moving in together would mean i lose all help. It doesn’t seem fair that he’d need to support me and my kids as well as pay for his own. Makes me feel a bit worthless tbh. I dont intend to be on u/credit forever and I’m working on how to make a career for myself but its difficult working things around kids. Finding things difficult right now. Is there any hope?

    #44119 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    Yes that is one issue with our generous benefits system its makes it more financially viable for couples with children to live separately.

    Try not to be too hard on yourself. You have a part time job which is a great start. As for a career it may require extensive training and years in further education. It is a big decision but not impossible to do.

    Lots of people have part time jobs that may not be high on the career ladder but they still serve a purpose 😀

    #47233 Report

    Martin9Mp
    Participant

    I agree with you, part-time work is a good start to live and move on, and it’s much worse when a woman doesn’t have any job and money to live. So, I believe that you will be all right, I wish you health and good luck!

    #47244 Report

    Zak1886
    Participant

    You have a good foundation ie part time job. You should be proud that you raising your child(ren) while working.
    There is always scope for further education via open university while you work. My ex did this while she was pregnant with our first.
    You can do whatever you set your mind on!
    good luck!

    #47313 Report

    Effusive
    Participant

    Interesting topic this.

    I, myself, footed 90% of the bills for over 10 years with my estranged fiancée; half the mortgage, TV licence, home insurance, Sky, broadband, the weekly food shopping, the alarm system, the security cameras, my daughter’s mobile phone contract, etc. while paying £200 a month travel costs to and from work doing a 3-hour round trip, my car insurance, my own mobile phone bill, credit card and loans, not to mention all the other little extra treats like the occasional takeaway and surprises, only to be told my contribution wasn’t enough before being mugged off for another man within months. That being just the tip of the iceberg.

    And in the preceding 6 months since I have been single, what I have learnt is that every women I have spoken to since (except possibly one or two) all seem to be attracted to men with good-looks, a good body, ambition, achievements, wealth, an important job, a nice car, who are well travelled, etc. The list is endless.

    I do apologise if I’m coming across as both cynical and misogynistic, but to answer your original question about there being any hope. for me personally I believe there is none. I put all I had in it and it got me absolutely nowhere. Nobody wants us common-or-garden, everyday, ordinary postman-type. 😒

    #47314 Report

    Mum247
    Participant

    @Effusive. Does this make you more guarded and against the idea of marriage/cohabiting in the future?

    #47315 Report

    Effusive
    Participant

    @Mum247 Absolutely. 100%.

    And to be honest, it’s put the fear of God in me; so much so that I feel to live an eternity of solitude. The last 10+ years of my life have been made such a mockery of that I think what is the point of doing it all over again.

    But with all that being said, I wish you all the best with your new relationship. I sincerely hope it flourishes, and that it brings you both happiness.

    Don’t let old Ebenezer Scrooge and his negativity over here rain on your parade. Just roll with it.  😊

     

     

    #47317 Report

    Mum247
    Participant

    @Effusive. That’s what I thought. And why i worry, as my boyfriend has had a similar issue (as did i, too). How can i ever make things equal? I have always contributed more than my fair share to my previous relationship of 17 yrs, and just find it unfair that I’d lose a significant amount to live with the guy I love. And ultimately put more financial pressure on him to do so. You’re not a scrooge, but justifiably will guard yourself and avoid getting in the same position again as will he. I’ve come to realise that what I want from my future isnt really attainable for many years.

    #47328 Report

    Effusive
    Participant

    @Mum247

    I’m afraid that’s the million dollar question because, again, in my case, even though I covered 90% of the bills and the scales were so unevenly balanced and unequal, I still got told my financial contribution wasn’t enough. That said, now the dust has settled I can see it was all a smokescreen.

    As long as you both love each other – and neither of you are narcissistic or mercenary, and are both in this relationship for the right reasons, sit down with each other and lay your cards on the table from the outset. Explain your hopes, fears and expectations –  maybe sit down and go through all your expenditures – incomings and outgoings – and budget accordingly. Hopefully you can both reach an agreement you are both happy with – possibly a 60%/40% split or similar.

    PS. One final point. I don’t know the full extent of his previous relationship – but if he’s anything like me, everything I ever did was to provide for my family; to feed them, put a roof over their heads and make sure they never went without. I never once questioned why the lion’s share of my wages left me with next to no disposable income at the end of every month. I did it out of love. For me it wasn’t about the money. And it still got me nowhere. Hopefully he’s the same.

    Good luck!

    #47351 Report

    Jo stroud
    Participant

    I’ve dabbled with dating but I’m very cautious. The guy needs to be very special for me to introduce him into my life and childs life and in all honesty I can’t see myself moving in with a guy until a few years into the relationship when we know eachother really well but then I am quite independent and enjoy my own space. Being a single mum has been hard work but very liberating in a lot of ways… I am at a point where I know I don’t need a man but would like a man…there are lots of advantages to being in a relationship and not living under the same roof. I think chatting about finances and having a frank conversation about money and how it’s all going to work to avoid any resentment is a great idea if you do decide to live together, you just need to be honest with eachother and not rush into anything

    #47352 Report

    Jo stroud
    Participant

    I’ve been trying to think about this logically. If as a single mum you are able to cover the rent, bills and current lifestyle you have on the partime income you have plus universal credit and the new guy is managing his lifestyle financially then joining up the two of you cuts out a rent and council tax (2 of my biggest outgoings) and a duplicate load of utilities etc so I can’t see how you wouldn’t both be better off even without the universal credit. I guess it depends how much Universal credit you are on. My 4 day a week wage is about 70% of monthly income and the working tax and child tax credits plus some maintenance bumps up the remaining 30% but that loss in credits would be well covered by the fact it’s only 1 shared rent etc. Getting the calculator out sounds like a good idea as it might not be as bad as you think

    #47354 Report

    Jo stroud
    Participant

    Also quick tip for guys. If you’re dating a single mum of school aged children and she is not working those part time hours whilst the children are at school I’d be a little cautious. (She may have legit reasons for this like health issues etc but if not think twice)  It’s unlikely she’ll ever be bringing in as much cash as you are though if she’s a primary care giver to children which does have £value, after all childcare is very expensive!

    #47362 Report

    Mum247
    Participant

    @jo Stroud. With the shared expenses I would usually agree but there are other factors. Him only getting half the house and also having kids means we cant afford somewhere big enough for us all. And unfortunately I had no house to get half of and the kids dad dont help in any way. It’s just upsetting. We both put all our effort in to our past relationships to come away with very little of it.

    #47365 Report

    Jo stroud
    Participant

    I’m a firm believer that if you want something bad enough you’ll make it work somehow. I’m assuming your ex is unemployed if he’s giving you no maintenance? You can claim joint universal credit if you are couple might be worth doing some online calculations to see how much you would get towards a shared rent etc. Or have you already done that? Turn 2 Us is a good benefits calculator, you should get child credit per child too (although only maybe for up to 3 children I think) I know it’s upsetting that your ex’s have basically taken advantage by the sounds of things and it’s difficult not to resent them when your future decisions are limited by their past behaviours I have also dealt with similar but try not to focus on that it won’t help…use the anger to motivate you and work forward with what you have got rather than thinking about what you haven’t. Depending on how short you are after all the calculations to afford a house big enough then it’s a case of trying to find the extra cash. Can you up your part time hours or make cuts anywhere? I always look back to my grandparents in times of difficulty. They had their farm burnt down in europe during the second world war and lost everything and had to start from scratch with 3 children and there were no benefits back then at all but did it despite all that was not in their favour. I think to myself there are thousands of people like that and if they can make things work so can I. Stay positive there will be a way

    #47366 Report

    Lovingmummy
    Participant

    @Jo Stroud

    I agree you shouldn’t rush with a new relationship.

    I might be very naive and old fashion here, but I feel sad when relationships and love turn into calculating what’s cheaper or what’s worth it, how much you can save or spend, how much of this, how much of that… I don’t mean anyone’s situation here, I’ve been in this kind of relationships before, and it’s really really upsetting. But it shouldn’t be like that. I mean before making a big step into a big move together, both sides need to be 100% sure it’s all about wanting to be together for the rest of their lives, and not for the comfort or cheaper living. Otherwise it will never work. It doesn’t happen very often these days unfortunately…

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)

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