New member need advice on separating

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Carebear88 6 months ago.

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  • #23609 Report

    Carebear88
    Participant

    what a mess!!

    hello all I’m married and in joint tenancy with my husband at the minute, I’m not happy in this relationship and haven’t been for a while.

    I tried to end my relationship last November only my husband went and took an overdose and tried to end his life me and our 11 year old daughter found him unconscious.

    he got admitted to hospital but I got all the blame for him doing that to himself because of wanting to end the relationship.

    of course I made my housing support officer aware of my situation and had support from my family but I felt I was pressured into taking him back in as his family never get involved unless there is something going off between us, they are never here for him or don’t bother with him so my family have been more of a family to him than his.

    so yes I took him back in after four days of him being in hospital and staying with his mother (she was the one pushing him back home) I didn’t really see what she was doing as my head was a mess and had two kids to look out for too.

    But after him being home the kids was happy and I thought maybe it can work he just needs help, my family made me aware of having to give him help and support aswell as looking after me and my kids that it could be a lot to do for me age at 30….only I’ve tried and tried but there’s just no feelings there for me at all and I feel bad for saying it but I see him more as my children’s father and a friend than anything more.

    last week I tried to tell him I don’t have the feelings anymore I’m not happy and sick of putting on a brave face for the kids I feel drained and like my only way out is ending my life of course I don’t wanna do that but the only help I really have is from my father I can talk to him about anything but I can’t do anything without having to lie to my husband because he’s been possessive in the past.

    im so stuck and don’t know where to start I don’t want to declare my self as homeless as I suffer with medical problems and have been in that situation before and I didn’t like it at all I got housed far away from family.

    i have no one to attend the citizens advice with me as I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks kick in worse when I’m trying to explain my situation to anyone, I feel so bad for feeling this way for not having the love there anymore for him but I can’t help it, there’s more to my relationship but I don’t wanna go into it on here I’ve put  what I need to, I just need to know how I can move forward with my kids how do I leave my tenancy and become a single parent and can I re apply for housing register on my own?

    also the other problem is I don’t and can’t kick him out as it’s joint tenancy and his family wouldn’t take him in and I don’t want to see him on the streets as I’m not like that I always put others first but I feel like I need to stop caring about others and help myself for a change but I don’t want my kids to hate me in the process as it took a lot out of them after discovering their father unconscious and in hospital.

    My daughter has to see someone weekly and talk about her feelings as it’s affected her my son doesn’t really understand at the moment but does worry when his father goes out alone to the shop ect as the hospital said he needs to rest, that was 6 months ago now, he’s not looking for work does everything to avoid going to work and that’s always been due to not knowing what I’m doing or where I am.

    he uses depression as an excuse to get out of everything, he hasn’t been taking his medication for months as he’s been fine but as soon as I mentioned “I’m not happy in this relationship” he takes what ever medication there is in this house and tries to walk out of the house that then makes me feel bad and I end up having to keep him home….I can’t do it anymore he’s made promises to his kids he would never do that again but goes to do it when I try and end things.

    i don’t know what to do anymore.

    • This topic was modified 6 months ago by  Carebear88. Reason: Spelling mistakes
    #23614 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Hiya,

    What you’re going through sounds awful and I completely understand why you would want to get away.

    Firstly you need to accept that what he does is not your responsibility, he is using the threat of suicide as a weapon to keep you shackled up which is truly abuse. It is not down to you and your children to live in unhappiness just so he remains happy. If or when he tries that trick again that ask for him to be sectioned, if you don’t agree to have him home they should keep in hospital and then work out something with him regarding housing.

    You might want to speak to the gingerbread team so that they can signpost to get any help you need.

    Please go back to your doctor and tell them how you’ve been feeling, mental health (I’m talking about yours rather than his) is a serious issue but there is help out there.

    Always have it in mind that you are in an abusive relationship that neither you nor your kids deserve, do not put your abuser before yourself otherwise he will win and you will loose.

    Keep posting here because you will chat to people who really do know what you are going through.

    Mark

    #23623 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    I couldn’t have put it better myself than Ramblinjon did above.

    The threat of suicide as a weapon to keep trapped is harmful both to you and your kids and while you are obviously emotionally distraught and trying to do the best thing, not hurt anyone and be compassionate to him…what he is doing is not fair on anyone and the situation will only deteriorate.

    You are probably in a better position to help as a friend if that’s what you want to do, if you maintain distance, and of course you never want your child to experience any of that again.

    A friend of mine had to experience a successful attempt of their parent’s suicide and it had a lifelong effect.  You don’t want either of your kids to have to go through that.  Get yourself in a stable position, help from a distance…and hopefully he can turn himself around enough to have a healthy relationship with his kids once he’s sought help and decided to take it this time.

    I do hope things work out for you, you are obviously wanting to do what’s best and are caring, but there comes a point when it’s detrimental to your own welfare.

     

    #23627 Report

    Carebear88
    Participant

    Thankyou for your replies it means a lot the thing I’m finding hardest to do is put myself first because when I do that and take action to what he’s doing I get his family on my case saying it’s my fault he’s like this, when i know it’s not they are never there for him and when he’s been to councillors and spoke it’s mostly been about his past as a child and to do with his mum and sister.

    I got threatened ny his sister last time he tried to take his own life shouting in my house at me whilst my kids was here that’s what I’m afraid of. I just don’t want to be in this house anymore there’s too much bad memories here for me I need a fresh new start but I don’t know how to do it I can’t leave the house without him questioning where I’m going I feel trapped.

    #23654 Report

    Roses
    Moderator

    Hi Carebear88

    Thanks for using the forum, glad you’re finding it a good space to share and get support on your situation.

    It sounds like you’re having a really difficult time, so we’re going to send you a private message with some signposts for places to get support.

    Take care

    Rose

    #23657 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    I can see how horrible your situation is at the moment but it wont last forever, with the right support you will get through this. You aren’t alone and there’s help out there.

    Once again keep posting, the more you reach out to people here the more likely that you find folk who have been in your situation.

    #23697 Report

    Carebear88
    Participant

    Hi all

    im going to see citizens advice tomorrow to what help I can get.

    of course I’m not going to do anything like take my own life my children need me it just feels like a lot of pressure is on me at the moment, I’m trying to do the right thing for me and my kids I’ve helped my husband as much as I can but I can’t stay in this relationship it’s not healthy for any of us.

    im just trying to figure out how I go about this without hurting anyone in the process which I know I will be hurting the kids by breaking up with their dad but I can’t stay in this relationship because I don’t love him anymore and can’t put up with the stress from it either.

    That feels so bad saying I don’t love him anymore but I still care about what he does to himself if that makes sense and that’s why I feel like I have to sort this for myself first get the right help before telling him we’re done for good I need to know what’s out there for me but I also feel I have to know there’s help for him too which I know there is.

    my family keep telling me I need to do what’s right for me and the kids and I know I do but because I’m a caring person I always take him back because I’m worried what he will do to himself.

    i just want out on the relationship and put me and the kids first, I don’t want to have to worry about anyone else but us it’s just going to be hard to do because every time I try and end things he goes for tablets and tries to leave which means it’s my fault again and that’s how his family see it too.

    #23699 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant
    • As others have said, his choice of action is quite simply that- his choice. So stop holding yourself responsible for his choices.
    • He’s emotionally blackmailing you re medication and suicide inference. That’s not something someone who loves you does.
    • Indeed if he goes off threatening suicide etc, don’t get into a debate, just call the police. Let them manage the situation be he still your property or driven away.
    • Speak to the housing provider for support and advice . Don’t under any circumstances leave and lose your children’s home.
    • speak directly to your GP asking for a mental health referral for the suicide threats etc
    • Speak to woman’s aid as this is emotional abuse.
    #23700 Report

    Carebear88
    Participant

    I’ve spoken to woman’s aid before, all they said was they could put me in a hostel which I’m not willing to do I’ve been there before and don’t want to do that again I need to be around my family for support. I don’t want to leave my home but he won’t leave and all I get from his family is that this is his home too and I cannot throw him out which I know this but for me to get out of this relationship before it gets worse is for me to leave as he won’t and his family won’t let him either, so what am I supposed to do here?

     

    he isn’t a bad father or a bad person but he has issues that’s what I think and I can’t deal with it anymore because I’m not happy in this situation or relationship.

    But his family think different and side with him and always want to argue with me when all I want to do is take me and my kids away from this situation and move on alone.

    #23714 Report

    Carebear88
    Participant

    Thankyou all for being here to talk to it’s good to know there is help out there and people to chat to when feeling a little down.

    being able to come on here and get things off my chest and having your help is really helping me to start and do things to help me and my children so Thankyou.

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