New here,down and dont know how to cope.

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  • #20091 Report

    Leggz
    Participant

    Hello everyone. I hope youre all well.

    I dont really know what to say but a bit about me is I have a 3 year old from a 9 year ( narcissistic) relationship.

    Its a very long story but short version is….We split in August after he went with another woman and moved in with her within 2 days. (Someone he worked with) lived with her for 2 months…then “wanted me back”. I had to be strong and tell him to get his own place so in october he did but since then its been an absolute rollercoaster…One minute he says he loves me and wants to be with me…next minute he ignores me..

    He will have our littlen on a friday and then seems other times hes full of excuses “shes ill…im tired…I have to sort my house out” etc…

     

    He is an online gaming addict and has been throughout the relationship. Caused many arguments.

     

    I guess im posting here because I feel at a loss and very controlled still even though hes not living here. He never comes over to see us or me but when I ask “whats going on” or anything he just says hes always busy or tired and I need to understand that (he works 6 days a week but gets a 3hr lunch and finshes at 7pm- works locally)

    He lives 2minutes down the road.

    I feel sad for my littlen as She only has me…We also had a dog and i look after them both AND work 3 days a week running around. My littlen isnt well either as she has had persistent diarrhoea since August and having all sorts of tests done and I don’t seem to have the support around me to keep my head above water and I’m finding it really really hard.

     

    As well as the emotional pull and push that he is doing.

     

    Im so sorry but thank you for taking the time to read this. xxx

    #20098 Report

    Leggz
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply.

     

    The reason I feel so messed up is because he keeps one minute saying he loves me wants to come “home” and be a family and then ignores me and games for days… Thats why I dont see him completely as my “ex” and its hard. x

    #20138 Report

    Mozza2019
    Participant

    Hi.

    It is very easy for people to tell you what to do, not so easy to do it and sometimes not even the right thing they tell you.  It sounds to me like you probably still love this man and you are unsure whether you want to get help as a couple or on your own… Am i right?

    The hardest thing is to let someone go that you still care about.  You will give them the benefit of the doubt and grab on to every little thread of hope.

    Are you wanting to talk about the practical side or the emotional one?

    #20139 Report

    Leggz
    Participant

    Thank you very much for your time and reply.

    My relationshiop with him was quite rocky. He was a gaming addict and it always affect our relationship as he never wanted to spend time with me…over time my confidence was knocked…badly.

     

    He never seemed purely genuine and now i step back and look at the relationship in part only stayed with me becauee it benefited him. As i worked full time for 3 years while he sat and gamed. And done nothing.

     

    I do have some sort of feelings towrds to still care about this..and because of our little one. But I realise with him being verbally abusive and manipulative is not healthy.

     

    I guess I feel very isolated and confused. I just dont know where to start.

     

    It just doesnt help… like i said previously he says he loves me and wants to be a family and litterslly the next day because hes tired or whatever shout at me and never wants to see me and tells me he doesnt want to bother anymore.

     

    Emotionally very hard for me. x

    #20140 Report

    Mozza2019
    Participant

    I have been through a very emotional time too, so I do understand how you feel.  I understand you are very confused and it does feel very lonely.

    Question though.  If you could wave that magic wand and his gaming addiction could be stopped and he gave you more attention and potentially the idilic family life… without thinking would you want that or not?

    #20141 Report

    Leggz
    Participant

    That and atopped talking to me like I was worthless…yes I would want that to happen as Its all ive ever wanted in life….But he seems to maybe be too selfish for that? 😢 Thank you for your time. x

    #20142 Report

    Mozza2019
    Participant

    So you love him then really.  I think thats all a lot of us ever wanted.

    Have you ever managed to sit him down discuss it and ask him to get help because it is hurting you and your child?  Does he know your thinking o fleaving for good?  Sometimes the shock factor is required.

    #20143 Report

    Leggz
    Participant

    Bless you yes…About 6 years of the relationship was me battling his gaming….I emailed people..looked for support groups for him etc…Asked him…wrote letters to him…cried…tried to join him…asked him to come to a comprimise. Nothing worked… When I say to him youll lose us for good though he just says “Well F off then”…(That is how he talks to me…)

    Hes basically told me this is how he is and hes not gonna change and he wont accept help. He likes what he does…..But hes been known to game about 14-18 hours a day when I worked all the time.

     

    He was a good dad for about a year after born. But again went back to gaming…and just increased. I was constantly battling it. He never had time for me and I was always second best. He felt like he ‘didnt want’ to spend time with me…as you can imagine caused great problems.

     

    And now its worse because we have a little one. x

    #20144 Report

    Mozza2019
    Participant

    Well you seem to have done it all.  You would think the little one would be enough to break the cycle.  Our children are everything.

    I guess all you have left is to actually go for a while and see if it brings him to his senses.  Do you have the means to do that? Family or friends you could stay with?

    It is a very sad situation for you to be in.  Eventually though, you have to make a decision and it sounds like it has been made for you,

    So sorry.  Im Paul btw.

    #20206 Report

    Leggz
    Participant

    Thank you so much Paul for your time.

     

    Yes I literally tried everything and its cost me my self worth and confidence and health.

    I do have friends but they all have toung children and partners. I only have my parents and they now are seperating. My “ex” has no family around to support or he hasnt got any friends due to his “online gaming” as his friends are “online”.

     

    Its so hard and that is why I feel isolated.

     

    Thank you so much x

    #20227 Report

    Mozza2019
    Participant

    Your welcome.

    Yes, it sounds like you have.  I went through 2 years of giving my ex the benefit of the doubt, losing family and friends, lost my confidence and it affected my health too.

    I take it you have a home together and both names are on the mortgage?

    What you must not do, is ask him to move out.  It leaves you open to him claiming rent off you for living in your own house.  Get down to CAB and get as much free advice as you can including any help with somewhere to stay, even just for a break.  (Sorry to hear about your parents).

    Somehow, you do need to get out of there for your own sanity.  What part of the country are you in?

    Believe me, I know it feels like you are on your own… but your not.  There are so many people going through things, you would be suprised.  My best female friend is now going through the start of the process as her husband is a gambler and we believe a cheat too.

    Saying something on here is a start to you moving forward.

    #20280 Report

    Reebay
    Participant

    Some really good advice, narcissistic relationships are extremely hard to disentangle from, they feed upon your weaknesses and there’s nothing like having a child in the mix to pull on all those edges. I am coming from a similar experience, only when I cut the patterns of behaviour, by cutting that person off for a while (9 months) and started to reclaim my dignity. It’s not easy, I was left with a 6 month old, a 2 & 3 yr old, I was living in a shared house with other family and family around, so I was lucky. But ultimately no one can do the work that needs doing, and your child needs you more than ever he they have been exposed to what has gone on. You need to get support to make a proper cut and get strong. I am realising I attracted that person because my mother was a similar character, the reasons are there when you are ready and strong enough to look at them. That time alone building your relationship with your child, sets a new routine that ultimately your situation was crying out for. A mediator was really good for us when I finally had to face the music and work with him again, another person in the room stops the controlling aspect. I cannot reiterate enough that you need to get strong a find a  whole new language to talk to him. That language starts with how you speak to yourself, how you take care of yourself because that self esteem is the route of your new language with him. And it’s a long time working with a person that hurt you and knows all your buttons, but you get there I promise. The making of you is calling out and you can do it, even though I’m some writing on a screen, we are together, alone. Thank you for taking the courage to share your story. Sending a big hug and strength for your journey, take care of yourself x

    #20284 Report

    Mozza2019
    Participant

    Reebay

    Wow.  Very well put yourself.  You sound like you have come through a lot and become a much stronger woman.  Well done to you too.

    I have not seen you on here before.  Hope your doing well.

     

    Paul

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