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    Hello everybody,

    I’m new here and have been reading lots of your posts today. I am nervous to post but have seen so many of your helpful replies I thought I would ask for some advice and help.

    Some back ground … I had twins with my first husband and left him due to him being physically abusive . I met my sons dad quite soon after and stupidly moved him in really quickly. I now have my son with him and have since also split up due to him being financially and emotionally abusive , (which actually I have found harder to deal with than the physical abuse )

    I feel like such a failure and have found the last twelve months really hard!  I am a lot better recently and have just bought a house and taking my kids on holiday on my own (I must be mad…) so that’s something I feel positive about and I’m trying to focus on.

    However my reasons for posting really are around child maintenance . My sons dad has him4 days one week and 3  the next so is considered shared care. I understand that he doesn’t need to legally pay me any money due to having shared care but you would expect that he would pay half of what he needs , so half of his nursery fees which are £80 a month , half of his swimming and so on, but he point blank refuses to pay me anything or go halves. I have asked school to put half on his parent pay account but he has actually rang the head teacher and refused to pay so the full amount has now been added to my parent pay account. How is that fair ? Thats just because I am his mum I have to pay everything ? He is clever and knows that child maintenance cant make him pay . I have rang them today and they say that because he has shared care their calculation is nil? but how unfair is that when I am paying out everything , clothes, shoes , nursery , his swimming lessons and so on…

    He also owes me 2k for a loan and I have had to get a court order for that and instruct bailiffs . They have been and he has literally hit the roof , given me lots of abuse via email about how evil I am so going to child maintenance is going to make him even more angry but what else can I do ?.

    I am literally drained with everything right now….

    thank you for taking the time to read my post and I would really appreciate any advice / support .

    thanks Donna

    #31123 Report


    Donna, you can’t be a failure when you show yourself to be continuing to try.  Stop beating yourself up, and give yourself credit for all you’ve endured and all you have achieved since.  You are doing great.

    Welcome to the forum.

    Hope you receive support here. Others on here are in a better position to advice about finance but don’t ever feel you’ve failed.

    #31125 Report


    Hi Welshdad ,


    Thank you for much for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it ..

    I just feel like from a young age I had this perfect family image in my head and instead I’m now single with 3 kids. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love them to bits and they are my world but I do feel like ive massively messed up with the people I chose to have children with , but you are right I have to see the positives and give myself credit so thank you …


    #31126 Report


    Nobody goes into a relationship or intentionally has kids thinking that the family unit is going to fail.  Even my ex who knew she had no feelings prior to marriage did so thinking that things would improve.  You can’t know a person is right, you just go with it in hope and sometimes life has a way of not working out as expected.  Don’t blame yourself, it takes two and even if one is trying their hardest if the other is not on board then nothing will make it work.  The emphasis then has to be on making things as good as they can be for your kids and that’s exactly what you’ve done and are doing.  So no you have not failed, far from it.

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