new hear and need advice please

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum new hear and need advice please

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #56082 Report

    latverian
    Participant

    first id like to say my heart goes out to any parent here who truly has their childs best interest at heart and have now found themselves in a bad situarion.

     

    i am 47 years old. My first and only son will be 8 months old in a week, i waited all this time because i wanted to not have a child out of wedlock and to have a true family for him or her to grow up in. a happy and normal home. the woman i had my son with  i was very much in love with when we decided to have a child together with plans on getting married and putting the kids first,. she has another son from a previous marriage he is 6. her ex husband use to beat the hell out of her and punch holes in walls and kick tvs out and stomp his feet on the ground like any child in an adults body does, this has clearly affected their sons mental state. they have his seeing a shrink now but even while they are having him see a shrink they let him listen to crazy violent cartoon songs on youtube, the boy is 6 and talks about stabbing people, talks about blood and murder  makes comments about how what makes him happy is seeing other people be sad or have a bad day.  things you just would not expect a child of 12 to talk about much less one of 6.

    i bring this to her attention and it does in one ear and out the other, we drove home today in  car for 45 mins and she allowed him toi just rabble on about this kind of stuff the whole way. the few times she asked him to stop after i mentioned it to her his response was one of total disrespect towards his mother,. He has punched and bite and kicked his 83 yr old grandfather.  None of them seem to care that the road they have him on is one of self destruction.

    she is 20 years younger than i am. i almost get the feeling she thinks it is funny.  but i dont want my son brought up or to even be around someone who is violent or talks about violent , crazy things. I was brought up extremely old fashioned . If we were taken to someones else and did not sit there and behave our selves or did not say yes Sir or Yes Ma’am our father made certain that it did not happen again

    this woman has very slowly taken all the love i had for her and destroyed it, to where once i seen a happy family to where now i feel i have to do something to protect my own son  by involving the courts,. She gets angry and punches, slaps, digs her nails into me where their is blood drawn  and even burned me with a cigerette.  cut up my clothes, destroyed not only my property but when she is a guest at one of my famiies homes she has gotten mad and destroyed their property  and when i bring it up to her she says “i dont care” as if she has total lack of empthy.  not something i want my son to be around.

    I dont want to make this look like im a saint and have been perfect. cause there are things i could have done better but the things ive done are on a total different spectrum.  I like to gamble a bit too much. I have not worked as much as i should have,

    I decided right then and there the minute my son was born my needs and my wants come second to his and always will. any man or woman who puts their boyfriend or girlfriend in front of their child is pure trash in my book,

    ive preached to this girl till i am blue in the face and its all still some big joke or game to here. all the while her children are suffering and are going to pay a huge burden for it when they get older,

     

    I dont want to hurt this girl.  I dont want to go to court or do or say anything that might have her kids taken from her cause in many ways she is a wonderful mother but i cant allow my son to be around such insanity and lunacy especially at his age.

     

    any advice would be greatly appreciated.

     

    thank you

    #56083 Report

    Gumibear123
    Blocked

    First,I sympathise very much and also admire your honesty and desire to address this so early on while your son is still a baby.

    Her 6 year old has no idea what he’s really talking about.I doubt at that age that the shrink is helping much.He is too young to diagnose any mental illness and is simply parroting what he hear s around him and lacking good parenting.Sounds like no one makes any boundaries for him or disciplines him b4 things get out of hand.

    The only way that I think you could make things work is if change happens.The safest bet might be for You to get advice from perhaps an educational psychologist how best to get that child to behave civilised.(On the other hand you say you have not been working enough and these things are mightily expensive.Is there any insurance or some kind of system where you can get financial aid to cover that?)

    But there would be no point in you making a lot of effort/sacrifice in getting help if his mother continues modeling her destructive behaviour.It’s possible she became this way bc of her difficult marriage and is left with a lot of trauma and anger.Unless she’s mentally ill.If you could get professional or reliable advice that you need on what to do when situations come up and She could see a therapist about the difficulties she’s been put through I wonder if everything would change completely.Most parents want to do their best & kids definitely will, if they feel they can.

    Just be very careful what you say when you discuss getting help etc with her as you don’t want to offend her and risk make it worse.Wishing you a lot of strength,patience and luck & the right people to help you.

    #56104 Report

    latverian
    Participant

    thank you for the advice.

     

    .

    #56110 Report

    latverian
    Participant

    i just want what is best for him. not what is bad for her.

    my dream of  providing him with a normal home and family is all but shattered but I have to do the best i can with what i have or what i am given.

    i cant help but feel him growing up in a broken home being shuffled back and fourth between mother and father depending on what day of the week it is he is already starting life out from behind the 8 ball.

    im not here to slam her or belittle her in any way cause i like to think her good out weighs her bad and maybe its the age difference that is presenting a lot of these problems.  I dont know.  but she is 27 in a week. how old do you have to be to know whats good and what is bad for your own son?  these are things I would think anyone who was taught right growing up and even with just a tab bit of common sense the answers to such questions should come easy,naturally .

    i want to lay the path for him to walk and follow as he grows up so that when he is an adult he will have all the tools that are needed to not just get by in this hard world but to flourish and be the best he can possibly be.

    i can teach him  everything he will need for this  but what good will it do if he hears and sees these things from my mouth and through my actions  the 3 days a week i have him and then he leaves and goes some where for the other 4 days and hears and sees the exact opposite of what i try to instill in him?

    my heart breaks for him and he has not even reached his first birthday.

    #56129 Report

    latverian
    Participant

    “<span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif;”>First,I sympathise very much and also admire your honesty and desire to address this so early on while your son is still a baby.</span>

    Her 6 year old has no idea what he’s really talking about.I doubt at that age that the shrink is helping much.He is too young to diagnose any mental illness and is simply parroting what he hear s around him and lacking good parenting.Sounds like no one makes any boundaries for him or disciplines him b4 things get out of hand.

    The only way that I think you could make things work is if change happens.The safest bet might be for You to get advice from perhaps an educational psychologist how best to get that child to behave civilised.(On the other hand you say you have not been working enough and these things are mightily expensive.Is there any insurance or some kind of system where you can get financial aid to cover that?)

    But there would be no point in you making a lot of effort/sacrifice in getting help if his mother continues modeling her destructive behaviour.It’s possible she became this way bc of her difficult marriage and is left with a lot of trauma and anger.Unless she’s mentally ill.If you could get professional or reliable advice that you need on what to do when situations come up and She could see a therapist about the difficulties she’s been put through I wonder if everything would change completely.Most parents want to do their best & kids definitely will, if they feel they can.

    Just be very careful what you say when you discuss getting help etc with her as you don’t want to offend her and risk make it worse.Wishing you a lot of strength,patience and luck & the right people to help you.”

     

    Thanks for the good advice.

     

    The thing is I am a firm believer that if a child is not yours biologically  that  person should have no say so when it comes to disciplining   that child.  I told her from day one that  is her and his dads job. I told her I will be a friend and a good role model  but other than that the rest is up to them. Same as if we break up I would not want another man coming in and trying to discipline  my son .

    the problem is not the boy. hes actually  very smart and intelligent child.  the problem as you said is clearly a poor lack of parenting  and if he has allowed this with her first son it is a fair bet that if I m not around the same thing is going to happen with my son.

     

    the whole situation is just so uncalled for, nonsensical and ridicule’s   to me. I was engaged to a woman for four years when I was in my late 20s and she had 3 children all by the same man. her ex was a bit of an azz hole when we first met but other than her not teaching her boys proper manners and respect or authority I.E she would let them talk back to their teachers at school or boast of kicking the neighbors azz if she heard her tell her kids to stay out of her yard we for the most part had a very normal relationship.

    I also am a firm believer that  a child belongs with her/her mother.  Unless that mother is unfit/abusive in some way  then a child i think has a bond with the mother that is not there for the father. maybe that comes from being in thier womb since conception I dont know.  i always felt a very close bond with my mother where with my father  I dont even know how to describe those emotions.

     

    If I break up with this woman my goal is not to take my son from her it is to some how get her to see the right and the wrong way to bring up a kid in this world.  as far as im concerned that does not take experience . just love, common sense,  and respect.. instilling confidence  and a strong  belief system comes later  but at this age till around 5.  its not rocket science

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

Log in or register to reply to this thread

Log In Register