Never thought I'd be a single Dad

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  • #7264 Report

    romsey_dad
    Participant

    Hi, I suddenly find myself becoming a single Dad of 2, something I never thought I’d say. My wife left me last week and is dating someone else. I’m absolutely devastated… I’m really struggling to accept that she’s gone. Today is her birthday and instead of celebrating as a family she’s probably out with someone else. I loved her with everything I had for 8 years or marriage but this means nothing to her. She’s only in the initial stages with this other guy, is it too much to ask her to hold off for a few weeks so I can have a chance to come to terms with it without having to think about them being together all the time? Apparently so.

    We’ve had a few chats since she left, we’ve identified what went wrong in our relationship and how we could make it better. Despite this she says she doesn’t want to try and make it work and the fact there is someone else is not the reason. I just don’t understand what she is thinking, what she thinks she is achieving. We’ve both been struggling a little with parenting, maybe she’d had enough of that and fancied a responsibility-free relationship, but we’re going to share the kids so that doesn’t make too much sense.

    I don’t know whether to hold on to some hope or to let go. We have a great life set up together and I’m sure we can be tremendously happy if she came back, but she’s not showing many signs that she will. I’m stuck in the grieving process because I keep getting my hopes up and then have to grieve again when I realise it was foolish. How do I get out of this loop?

    Sorry this post is not very cohesive, early days and I’m all over the place.

    #7265 Report

    jasmin3
    Participant

    Can I just say you aren’t alone? I’m in the grieving process too and feel utterly deflated 24/7.

    #7268 Report

    romsey_dad
    Participant

    Thanks, yes we are not alone. It’s absolute torture isn’t it. I still love her, but I hate her at the same time, its replaying in my head day and night and its hard to imagine how it will ever end. However, there’s plenty of evidence on here to say it will so we’ve got to stay positive 🙂

    #7269 Report

    jasmin3
    Participant

    I can resonate so much with some things you say. The love/hate thing is exactly the same for myself. I cry myself to sleep grieving the life we were meant to have and the life we were meant to give my daughter but equally I detest him for his coldness and selfishness. I also have my hopes up and dashed.He has destroyed me really. 🙁

    How are you coping in the day? Is this new partner a rebound? She seems so selfish to me, it’s lie rubbing your face in it.

     

    #7271 Report

    romsey_dad
    Participant

    I could have written that myself jasmin3. The coldness and selfishness of it all after all the years of love. It makes no sense.

    No the new partner isn’t a rebound as such. She’d been having feelings for him while we were together, its when I discovered they’d been kissing (despite telling me that she’d had no contact) that she decided she should leave. I don’t know if its likely to be a short term or long term relationship. She always stops short of completely ruling out coming back, I’m not sure if I should be pleased about that because it makes it too easy to get my hopes up and is therefore preventing me from moving on. I know logically I can’t sit and wait for her, plus I shouldn’t want her back after what she’s done…but you know, I still love her…

    Work is hard, I’m trying to do half-days but I can’t often concentrate and it just seems so unimportant. I hate being at home alone though. Do you work, are you able to find distractions?

    #7272 Report

    Nathan80
    Participant

    I think you guys are great and amazing in the choice you made to stay with your children and not give up like your ex did because remember when we are out of love we forget about what the children feels and they are hurting more than us, we are adults and and will get over it but the children will frame this moment in their minds and will become one of the bad experiences in your their lives that can make or break them…I guess in the same way you are processing this very painful time. Remember you stayed and no man or woman should come before your children so be proud and start healing, you will start with anger then hurt and finally self realization before it’s time to start adapting and making changes.

    I am really proud to hear their are good men left in this world and am happy to be a friend if you like.

    I am a single dad of four and on xmas 2012 my ex threw me out on the streets to have a fling with a guy who she finally got pregnant with, I was on the streets for months before committing suicide because of the pain of my kids not being in my life and what has happened. I was found by police and put into hospital for 3months after that I came out and was studying biology until my ex called saying she is putting the kids in care I said no and gave up everything I worked hard for to be with my kids. 4months later my ex was getting abused and as she was pregnant and the  children mother I took her back out of the love I thought we had and could mend…but only I felt that love and hope and I realized I was a safety net (when things are going bad they will always take advantage because we are safe but most of the time they want adventure and you and the kids just don’t cut it sometimes). I have learnt now to love myself and forgive and love her to find peace within. It was hard but that’s life, I even was in hospital when the ‘guys’ first born was born and i brought her everything she needed for the baby I even named her and to this day I take care of her when I can..from beds, cupboards, milk and toys, I even take the child for a couple of nights so my kids can see their sister because my ex environment is very dangerous and not a place for my kids to be around. It’s hard work but am alive so if it’s not killing me then am stronger. I don’t even have family or friends and I don’t know what it’s like to talk to someone face to face but hey am here talking to you…thank you for being Superdads! Take care and time is your healer I found meditation very helpful for me myself is my only friend and can be yours too.

     

    #7273 Report

    jasmin3
    Participant

    Romsey dad I really feel for you. You can’t think of anything worse than not having them back but at the same time you have to have some self respect and dignity. At least that’s what people keep telling me. It’s not them coming home to an empty house every night though…

    I feel very lonely, I crave adult conversation and adult company despite loving my child to death.

    Does she see the kids? Are work understanding? Do you find the evenings lonely? I hate them.

    I’m just about to return to work after a 3 month maternity leave. Yes, my partner left me with a newly turned 3 month old daughter.

    #7274 Report

    jasmin3
    Participant

    Nathan 80 I’m a female haha!!!

    Thank you, it sounds stupid but it’s nice to hear praise for actually putting our children first and not giving up? I live for my daughter and I agree with you that children should come before our needs. I’d even stay in an unhappy relationship if it meant stability for my kids.

    But seriously, you sound like a good man. You put your children first and sacrificed everything for them. That’s what a real man does and I salute you for that. I wish my partner could have done the same…

    Your ex partner sounds like she used you (as mine did) and I hope you will find someone better.

     

    #7275 Report

    romsey_dad
    Participant

    That’s just horrible jasmin3, did he freak out about being a Dad? I can’t imagine how it must be going through this with a new baby.

    Work are understanding and are letting me do what I want, which is great. I think I will hate evenings too but I’m only a week and a half in and I’ve had my parents staying to help for most of that. My ex does school pick ups and takes them out occasionally but she’s not currently living somewhere she can have the kids day or night.

    I hope going back to work will help you with the loneliness. I’ve been open at work about what’s going on and people are supporting me, one guy who I hardly knew has been visiting me and bringing food, hopefully you’ll find something similar. Are you happy to be going back to work?

    #7276 Report

    jasmin3
    Participant

    He completely freaks out. He visits her one morning a week and that’s it. No contact in between.

    I’m heartbroken he could do this to me as well as her. I trusted him to look after me and be a man but he abandoned me and ruined everything. He put his own needs above ours.

    It’s incredibly difficult as you can imagine with a newborn baby. I have no time to myself at all.

    It’s good you have support. Are your kids okay with not living with her? I really hope I can stop being lonely too. Even chatting on here is helpful.

    I’m happy to be going back and hoping to meet people, just sad to leave my daughter so young.

    My ex doesn’t contribute financially either at all so it’s difficult.

    #7284 Report

    romsey_dad
    Participant

    🙁 that’s really tough. I really hope work goes well for you. Stay positive, you will get through this.

    The kids are young enough to adapt without too much thought, my eldest has been quite upset at times but he’s doing a lot better than me!

    #7322 Report

    NickU1980
    Participant

    Hang in there Pal! You are definately not alone! Just take solace from this forums replies that you are 100% not alone, and

    use it as an outlet to vent. None of us expect to be left / having to rebuild and start again – however the true test is now how you

    deal with this.. Stay strong for your kids!!

    #7328 Report

    Loppy5011
    Participant

    I do feel for you just try and stay strong for the kids that’s what I’m trying to do but it is so so hard.

    #7520 Report

    jasmin3
    Participant

    How are you feeling now? X

    #7522 Report

    Jay
    Participant

    I felt the same,my husband now ex left me 2 years ago,I felt all those emotions that you are all feeling,but I carried on for my kids,he made new think it was all my fault,but he was just gas lighting me,Google gas lighting in a relationship it helped me so much,it took me 8 months for the fog of hope and lonlines to go,suddenly I woke up and thought, I have to stop,he doesn’t love me,how can someone love you and cheat,they can’t, there’s no respect,loyalty everything that’s important in a relationship but mainly there would never be any trust,I deserved better,that’s the day I got back up and looked at everything differently, I’m still trying for the clean break but he has now said he wants half the equity in the house or at least 2o thousand, he wants half of any of my money in savings accounts,just when you think he couldn’t do any more damage,it’s my home he moved in never paid the mortgage but yet a court will award him half,which annoys me cos he’ll want it to set up with her,he’s not seen his son in a year,he doesn’t pay maintenance and he’s now willing to make me and my 3 homeless,he said he looked at my older 2 as his,I’m lost what to do,but I take one day at a time,he can take everything from me but he’ll never take my happiness that I now have with my new partner

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)

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