Need to leave and don't know where to start
20 June 2019 at 7:03 pm #26705
hi, I’m new to this but found the forum after some googling. I’ll try to keep it short
Ive been in a domestically abusive relationship for a long time, we have three children, however it’s getting to the point I feel unable to cope. He calls me names and degrades me constantly in front of our children, throws things around, threatens to kick me out every day, every day he shouts at me and comstantly blames me for his problems, I look after our children by myself, though they are all very fond of him. I tolerate it and try not to engage in arguments with him so as not to upset them. But my life has become unbearable. I don’t live near any family and after contating women’s aid etc today there is nowhere that is able to help me right now. My family no nothing of my situation. I cannot take being called names and humiliated every single day and don’t know what to do or what to start.
Does anyone have any advice? Thank you.20 June 2019 at 7:28 pm #26706
Ruh, that sounds horrible & exhausting.
I’d do three things immediately. I’d start noting down every abuse, every criticism, every threat so you have a record. Maybe keep us passworded online. Tell your family what is going on. You have nothing to be ashamed of and they may be able to help you.
And I’d start planning. Building up a secret fund even if it’s only a few pounds a week. Take important paperwork like passports and bank account details somewhere safe – off site.You don’t say if you are married or who owns the house but every detail will help. when you do eventually go to a solicitor
And keep talking. There are loads of people on here with experience, who will advise and support you.
Plus the Gingerbread helpline too. Good luck x20 June 2019 at 7:51 pm #26709
<b>Thank you for your reply.</b>
It is horrible and exhausting. I’m constantly living on my nerves and wake up every day dreading what today’s row will be. We aren’t married but have been together a long time, it’s his house. Today’s row was something from 10 years ago. Just anything to pick at me, he starts as soon as he gets up, so then he proceeded to call me vulgar names and say kids “your mum’s this and that” saying things like he’d sell me to his friends. I don’t feel I can cope another day here. An all this was before the school run. I feel alone and exhausted but I just have to keep going for the kids. We haven’t spoke a word all day, till the next time he needs someone to pick on then it will be me in the firing line. I’m normally one of these women that say “just leave he’s no good” etc but being isolated, he controls the money, no family/friends every day is a nightmare just getting through the day20 June 2019 at 11:15 pm #26716
You have received some great advice on here. Have you also tried contacting the domestic abuse helpline. They are amazing, very caring amd helpful. Open 24 hrs. 08082000247. Hope this helps. Its important to tell them the whole story so they know how to help you. If you are worried for your children’s safety you can also call NSPCC on 0800800500. You can remain anonymous talking with them until you are comfortoable to reveal your identity and ready to take action. Just remember that you were not born to be abused by anyone and what he is doing is a crime. Tolerating it will hurt your children emotionally and psychologically. I used to watch my parents fight verbally and physically, it damaged my self esteem and i ended up choosing someone who also was an abuser because my parents did not set a good example or protect me.20 June 2019 at 11:47 pm #26718
I know its hard but this life requires all of us to do some hard things. I just left my emotionally abusive ex that used me, lied and cheated constantly for 9 years marriage and we have 2 kids (2yr and 3yr). I had to do everything the lady above asked you to do… i told the family member that i trusted, i called a free helpline called Samaritans constantly on 116 123 for help, i collected evidence of his adultery, saved money, stood up to him and his whole family and now i’m free of him. My divorce will be final next month. Its the hardest thing i ever had to do, lots of ups and downs but i know its the best thing i did for myself and my kids. They still see their dad but now i get to be happy and no more abuse. Everytime my dad used to insult my mum or tried to hit her, it broke me inside, damaged my self esteem and made me feel worthless, because i thought if my dad did that to my own mum then that was the kind of treatment i also deserved because i was her daughter. It confused my understanding of what was ok and not ok in relationships, by the time i met my husband i ignored all the red flags thinking it was normal. Now i know it is NOT normal to tolerate any abuse especially when you have kids. Let me ask you, if you pick up a piece of fruit that looks sweet and perfect on the outside but when you bite it, its rotten, would you still eat it?…….. then why do you think its ok to stay in a toxic, abusive relationship? His abuse has made you feel you dont have options but you DO! You will find a way once you decide that enough is enough. All the help will come when you get help ❤❤❤21 June 2019 at 6:17 am #26726
I know this, I know it’s not a good example for my children and it breaks my heart that they see it
After being with someone 13 years, giving up my life for him, moving away, supporting him in every way possible(there’s not enough space to even begin all the problems that have occurred) after he has lied and cheated and made me feel worthless, put me down and crushed any sort of self esteem I have, I am currently pregnant (do not plan on keeping there is no way I could possibly raise another one of his children) so I feel all over the place. This was supposed to be a fresh start, my ‘happy ending’ and I feel embarrassed to go to my family now, though I will, I just feel ashamed like I failed. I feel like I’m rambling sorry I’m writing quick before he wakes up and the next row ensues21 June 2019 at 12:02 pm #26741
Thanks for sharing your situation here. There has been some good advice offered by members here. I will be sending you a personal message with some further signposting options.
Justine21 June 2019 at 9:58 pm #26756
I am so sorry to hear all that you have been through and you are still enduring. Its definitely not easy. I know its hard i have been through hell myself so i know. I had 3 miscarriage in the beginning of my marriage, after having 2 kids he insisted that i abort when i got pregnant the 3rd time. It was the right decision because our marriage fell apart immediately after. Its not fair and its not right. Alot of women are suffering at the hands of men, every situation requires a unique strategy. Only you know your circumstances and the SAFEST way to get away. It will require planning, saving, seeking the right help and it will require patience. One day you will be free if you decide you have had enough. I had to become a silent warrior, powerful and courageous inside but soft and gentle on the outside. I had to act, lie, save money and get constant counsel. Where there is a will there is a way. I pray you get the help you need and find a way out ❤🙏🏽22 June 2019 at 12:41 pm #26764
I am terribly sorry that you have to experience this. The advice on here is great advice. You say you have no self esteem. Self esteem never escapes anyone. It’s like a flower sometimes it closes and opens. You have taken a big step and reached out for help. You will get that in spades.
Firstly you need assistance with the unplanned pregnancy. The best site I can think of to look into is the NHS site which can tell you local services including family planning.
You can hide any documents in a safe deposit box or anywhere in the house your partner is unlikely to look.
Lots of couples have seperate bank accounts so it would be possible to get a savings account without your husband knowing. Or you can try saving with a credit union. I know its nearly impossible to continue living with him while saving up for a deposit on a new home etc but it is easier to do that then struggle.
Can you talk to your family? I’m sure they would help if they knew what was going on.
Keep coming on here when you can we will help you through this 🙂27 June 2019 at 9:37 pm #27011
Bluebirdsue thank you for your message
Yes we have seperate accounts, however I never have spare money! My problem ATM is the pregnancy. I am 100% sure I do not want it at all. I know if I go ahead with the abortion our living situation will become unbearable, he will definitely resent me and use any opportunity to bring it up. An my kids will be the ones to suffer. He thinks we should keep it and “we’ll manage” obviously oblivious to what I want to do (I’m trying to go along like usual for kids sake till I am at least in a better position though looking for houses every day) I cannot bare the thought of having another baby but bringing up the abortion discussion causes an almighty row. I even considered doing it secretly and saying I miscarried. Although I know this would be deceitful and wrong (though no more deceitful than he has been) I don’t want to run out of time and need to get this problem sorted now bit each time it’s brought up it leads to a row or him ignoring me and loving in awkward silence, neither good for kids27 June 2019 at 10:24 pm #27012
Go to your local credit union. They may be able to offer a short term loan to you, maybe enough to start over again? 🙂