Need advice please

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  • #36003 Report


    Hi everyone, I’m new on here but desperately need some advice, please bare with me, it’s a long story. When I first met my husband we would go out a lot and we would do drugs. I then fell pregnant and obviously stopped, my husband didnt but did it less. Had my baby March 2015 and by by Feb 2016 I fell pregnant again and started to notice things about my ex, secretive about money and just something wasnt right. Had my second in Oct and then moved cities in jan 2017 and was living with his dad. Then it came out that he was not only cheating while I was pregnant but he was doing more drugs and that’s why our finances was beginning to go left. He convinced me to stay and as the months went on, I was also doing drugs again. Things were going from bad to worse quickly and we decided it was best to move again dec 2017. I told him I no longer wanted to do drugs or even drink and went t total. He said he wanted the same but things didnt change. Finances went up in smoke, he was drinking every day and I would find drugs in his work van, including what looked like heroin wraps. He was taking out loans that I knew nothing about. His drinking began to become a major issue. We were skint but he would use our last £30 to go out and me and the kids just had to deal with it. Sometimes he would go to do our food shop in the afternoon and not come back till 4/5 in the morning, shopping still in the car. He would drink and drive and I later realized that he had been drinking and then picking up our kid from school. We never saw him really. He then told me he was depressed and wanted to end his life, I found him help but he would refuse to go to his appointments. This went on until march 2019 when I finally had enough. I asked him to leave so that he could get some real help and it just wasn’t fair on the kids to watch their dad like this. By this point he had lost two jobs. I really thought I was doing the right thing for everyone. Instead of getting help he got worse and was hanging around people that did drugs, he would even send me videos of them all off their faces. I still loved him and desperately wanted him to get right, we still spent time together, slept together etc just he had another home. We spoke about us moving closer to my sister to get more support etc, things seemed fine. Then he went on holiday and was doing pills there, he came back and felt suicidal, I suggestsughe move back in again. He agreed but took a trip to visit his mother, only to be tagged on holiday with a girl. I was obviously devastated, volatile things were said that I dont regret saying cos I was truly hurt. Me and the kids packed up and left with his knowledge. We became homeless for a little while and I managed to get somewhere eventually eith the help of family. Things were still volatile between us but when he asked to see the kids, I didnt stop him, he then tried to reconcile and even suggested marriage counselling and rehab. But something didnt feel right, turns out he was actually living with this girl and there was a confrontation between us, nothing physical. She mentioned his drug use and her friend also acknowledged his drug problem. He ended up staying with her and our contact was limited to having family members as go between. He doesn’t call the kids at all and ignored any messages regarding child custody and parental agreement. We barely get child maintenance from him. And he shows zero interest in the kids wellbeing. The week before Christmas 2019 he requested to see the kids out of the blue, we had plans for the date he wanted and is now continually saying that I am stopping him seeing them, he hasn’t once tried to reschedule and still does even call them, ever. I am in serious financial difficulty stemming from the last few years and asked that he sell our assets and we split the money, fair I assumed. We owned two cars and a static caravan. I have now found out that he has already sold one vehicle and I suspect the rest has been sold but I dont have any proof. He said the only way I would get anything was to get divorced. I started my application for divorce today and asked him for his address, I also politely asked him not to contest the divorce proceedings. He has now emailed me saying that he will be contesting the child custody and wants shared custody.  I live in Hampshire and he is in Cornwall, he not only lives with this girl but has house mates too, so literally anyone can be around my kids if they were to stay there, not to mention the drug situation which he has previously refused drug testing.  I dont know what to do. He may just be trying to get in my head. I suffer from stress and anxiety and I even self referred myself last year for therapy because as you can imagine I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. What steps do I take now? I feel like I cant even continued with the divorce now. Any help/ advice would be appreciated. Sorry for such a long message.

    #36005 Report


    Hi Lana,

    Hope your well. If your opting for a divorce then maybe you ought to just go ahead with it?  I think him saying he wants child custody is just a ruse. As you said hes hardly even that interested in seeing them much so i wouldnt worry. He would have to drive from cornwall to Hampshire ? Thats got to be a 8 hour round trip?  Can you see him doing that?  By your post id suggest he wouldnt.  You would be under no obligation to drive to him. Sorry i cant help further but hopefully you get sorted and start to lead a less stressful life which you deserve. Take care

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