Need advice on what to do…
10 January 2021 at 10:05 pm #48002
Cut a very very long story as short as possible I promise!!!
My daughters dad had supervised contact for 7 months- we had our last court hearing in December and after CAFCAS carried out a section 7 report he is now aloud unsupervised contact one day a week, today was only his 3rd unsupervised day and it did not go well at all:
she left absolutely crying her little heart out which is heartbreaking but I thought once she there she will settle and be back to her happy self, I expected a text to say she had settle and was ok but nothing so I text and asked just that, it got read and ignored I text again just saying please just let me no she’s ok again ignored, he then later on in the day turned really nasty saying it took her ages to settle she was so upset blah blah it was all my fault as usual, he then said he would give her dinner at 5pm before bringing her back at 5:30 per court set time – which I usually give her dinner when she’s back but as today everything was abit earlier she woulda been ready about 4:30/5 so I thought yes that good – he brings her back 15 min late so 5:45- she was absolutely screaming so upset sobbing and he said that her nappy had leaked as they was leaving so that’s why he’s late as had to change her ( he was using nappies that was 2 sizes too small for her hence the leaking) his mum bought that pack of nappies back in September/October and they still expect her to be in them now!!! Anyway he seemed very angry and like something was up with her he just passed me her wet dirty clothes and I was trying to calm her down still and I said she’s had her dinner yeah and he goes “no she hasn’t” so I was like what it’s ten to 6 and she hasn’t had her dinner no wonder she’s crying – he then just flipped and turned nasty started calling me a “f**in ****” and I said just go and tried to shut my door but he barged his foot in my door and got quite aggressive and continued calling me a **** he then left and we ended up having a little shouting match on my door step and he sped off – 2 mins later txting me his usual crap so Iv blocked him straight away- Iv been through hell with him and thought we had improved but today just showed the old/ real him and I think our daughter as been upset all day crying and he hasn’t liked it when we was together he would get angry when she cried slam doors throw things punch walls – I have had the police involved as when we first split up he came to my house at early hours threatening me and damaged my car- there has been drug/ alcohol issues with him – (still is) I just can’t continue like this he has zero respect for me I’m his baby’s mother and he is so nasty! I can never win with him and he won’t ever change he lasted 2 weeks been “amicable” now impossible
he emotionally abuses me all the time, gaslights me, guilt trips me, anything he does it’s my fault why, list is endless.10 January 2021 at 11:44 pm #48008
wow you have been very tolerant. him sticking his foot in the door is out of order. it sounds like you should get someone else to do handovers. is anyone else available to do that? or perhaps in a more public place like a supermarket/high st. that way he will probably behave in a more sensible manner.
how old is your child? I think it will take more time for your child and your ex to adjust to the new routine. In future I would cut down on the messaging while he has the child. will likely annoy and frustrate him. if he’s going to carry on being silly about the nappies, maybe you could just give 2 or 3 when he picks up the child?14 January 2021 at 6:15 am #48125
I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this abuse. He is a narcissist, I didn’t even know what the word meant until my partner, a covert, he used to be so attentive and caring, turned into a real life monster and over time completely destroyed my life. This is what they do, the love-bombing phase and then the discard, devaluing phase, I went thru hell and back. The psychological abuse, and like you said, the gaslighting and everything being your fault, just makes you wonder if they’re even human at all. I’m glad you reported to the police anyway, surely he shouldn’t be allowed to be spending time with your daughter if he can’t control his anger and especially with the drug and alcohol use?! This is very serious and not something that should be tolerated. I’m sure it has a negative effect on your child, from what you’ve described, he is not able to take care of her and doesn’t seem to value time spent with her either, the being late part is deliberate too, trying to get you to react and then make it look like you are the one causing issues. Does the police know about his alcohol and drug misuse? He is using his contact rights as an excuse to continue using you as his emotional punchbag. losing control over you is losing his narcissistic supply; he is acting out because you challenged him, he cannot stand the fact that he has less control over you now. For a long time he got away with his bad behaviour and he managed to desensitise you; until finally started waking up to it, is something he probably never expected. You should feel proud of yourself for finally standing up to him. With the help of the authorities, you don’t have much to worry about. You were right to report the incident, just make sure you keep a diary. Please as best as you can help it, don’t put yourself & your daughter in a vulnerable position with him again. They are likely to show their narcissistic rage when not getting things their way! I’d be happy to exchange numbers if you wanna chat.(PM me) Stay safe x14 January 2021 at 3:51 pm #48150
My name’s Michelle and I’m one of the moderators here in the forum. I can hear that this is a tough situation and it’s great that you’re here posting. I’ll leave you a private message shortly with some links that might be helpful.