Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum Need advice on ex's new girlfriend meeting our children

This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  SOLOMUMMY 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #20894 Report

    Nicolemotherof2
    Participant

    Hi, so my ex met someone about five months ago. They have recently said they would like to introduce the children into their relationship. I was completely fine with this on the understanding that she doesn’t stay over when they are (open plan living) just yet. Then I spoke to the kids. My daughter (6) wants to meet her, knows all about her and often speaks to her on the phone. My son (10) is 100% against having anything to do with her, doesn’t want to meet her, talk to her or know anything about her. I did the expected ‘Your Dad will always be your Dad blah blah, No one will replace you blah blah’. He is just not interested. I asked my ex to take it slow, that it would need to be handled with some consideration and he should research what the best way to help us help our son. I even offered to be there for the first meeting in case our son was worried about my feelings and thought if he could see I was fine with it, then he could be.

    Today, unbeknown and not discussed, my ex takes our children to the park where he girlfriend is waiting for them. My son doesn’t want to meet her so they left him in the car park and went off to play!!! They just left him. Fortunately he didn’t do anything silly, just waited for them. But what if he had become upset and decided to walk off. I cannot believe it. And I don’t know what to do. That is not on is it? Am I over reacting? I literally want to slap my ex in the face for his infinite selfishness and stupidity.

     

    #20896 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    You are not over reacting nor being over cautious.

    I made the mistake after separation of introducing my son to a girlfriend Id known for over 6 months… and the opposite happened.  They got on really well and got very close.  Due to situations beyond our control due to her ex not bothering with kids and her son struggling cause of it all..we couldnt see one another and had to end it so she could focus on her kids as sustaining a relationship where we hardly saw one another was something she felt was too much.  My son found it very confusing when trying to explain what happened and why he couldnt see her now etc but especially when quizzed by his mother about it all cause he felt interrogated which was really unfair.

    My advice with all of this would be that it is a really big deal for kids to meet prospective or existing partners and transparency on both sides but mostly with the kids is essential.

    Weather to introduce kids and if so when is something thst should never be forced and your ex was out of line.  I realize I should have been more cautious in my situation but certainly learnt from it, and will be very very careful in future even though he’s older now.

    #20899 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    You aren’t being unreasonable at all. Quite apart from the physical risk to your son, imagine how he must feel.

    It looks like his dad is saying “This lady is my new family and you join in and accept it or we’ll be a family without you.”

    Can you explain it to your ex in that way? He is being either very insensitive or spectacularly selfish.  I think I’d leave it up to your son whether he goes to see his dad in future.

    #20913 Report

    Nicolemotherof2
    Participant

    Thank you Welshdad and I am so sorry to hear about your situation too. Not easy is it!

    #20914 Report

    Nicolemotherof2
    Participant

    Thank you Kathy and I agree completely about what message it sent to our little lad. His Dad is and always will be selfish, he does what he wants, when he wants and everyone else can deal with the consequences.

    #20915 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Absolutely Kathy, and even like in my case where the child felt ready then need to be sure the relationship is stable enough to warrant that weather it’s the relationship itself, situation or both.   And they should never ever be a tag along… when a parent has shared custody the focus when they have the child should be quality time with the child not just happen to have them a particular day and hope they ok with new partner and just have them keep themselves busy…that gives completely the wrong message and that’s why one of the kids of the girl I was seeing is now having councelling …because he was always an inconvenience to his dad as he had a new gf who always came first.  It causes lasting damage and like Kathy said extremely selfish and thoughtless.

    #20927 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    I don’t think being left in the car was a safety issue as such, beyond if your son is the sort to bolt?

    However this was passive aggressive if his dad who’s set the tone as either accept the gf or else!

    I wouldn’t often say this. But I think that if your son decides now not to go for contact that you cannot reasonably refuse as his trust in his father has gone.

    I would perhaps try to discuss what his reasons are for feeling so strongly. Maybe even ask school if they could.

    My heart breaks for him.

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