Need advice on becoming a father in an unhealthy relation

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  • #41886 Report



    I am an Indian guy in my mid thirties. I grew up in India within a repressive and “traditionally-minded” culture in regards to its views on sexuality and relationships. A few years ago I began exploring my sexuality in a way which I think is healthier and better for me. I started a relationship with a woman who helped me in some ways, however I always knew that she was “not right for me”. In fact, in some ways she is extremely toxic to me. Anyways – due to my own inexperience, lack of education, and stupidity – she is now pregnant, and it seems she will want to keep the baby. I have told her many times that I do not want children, and while I am not abstaining from my own stupidity and responsibility in the situation, it nevertheless must be said that she has and continues to disregard my opinions and position.

    Before this happened I was already working up the courage to break up with her because I do not think she is a good partner. Now with this situation I have extremely serious doubts that she will be come a good partner, let alone a good mother. Nevertheless her decision to have the child is her own, and I will not interfere with it. At the same time I am confused and would like some help in figuring out how I should proceed for myself. On the one hand I am feeling very guilty and hear the voices in my head of my conscience and culture to “do the right thing” (which means get married? Support her financially? Be a father for the child?).

    On the other hand I am torn between the other extreme of knowing how destructive this person will be for me. Not only will it happen that with her I will become a person I do not want to be, but also I will not be able to achieve many of the things I would like for myself in life which I have only now woken up to and started working towards.

    I also consider “what is best for this baby”, and if it is born then I will consider its interests. Certainly I will not abandon it. However it is not self-evident that “getting married” is best for this child, let alone bad for me.

    Lastly it bears mentioning that I do not live in a western country and therefore may not have to deal with some of the unfair legal issues present there. And so I would like to ask for some help and guidance to organize my thoughts and calm me down.

    Are there any men out there who have been in a similar situation?

    What were your thoughts on guilt?

    What were your thoughts on responsibility?

    What assumptions did you have initially which turned out to be wrong?

    How did you work things out with the mother of your children?

    What am I missing?

    Thank you.

    #41889 Report


    I get what you are saying but things may change when the child is born or it may not!

    It could potentially bring you together but no one has a crystal ball. If you don’t want marriage or a relationship with the mother then I suggest that you come to an arrangement where you will need to support the child financially!

    There are lots of people who walk out on their kids for what ever reasons and it does not matter what country they are from. What does your partner think? If she is controlling or promiscuous then you can’t change people like this. I suggest that you don’t read into too much otherwise you won’t enjoy father Hood. I know you have said you don’t want children but its a bit late now

    #41926 Report

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