29 February 2020 at 10:24 pm #37268
Hi there, have posted previously regarding my emotionally abusive ex. Things have gotten really bad now. He has now, despite raising my eldest child from birth as his own for the last 5 years and having had regular visitation with him since the split, stopped paying child support for my eldest child basically saying he has no legal responsibility to do so. While he’s technically correct the fact my eldest has spent his whole life with my ex playing the role of dad (he knows he’s not his biological dad but sees him as his dad anyway) and then just tosses him to the side like that? Where do I even begin in dealing with this? The moneys not even the issue. Its the fact he is basically treating the eldest differently than the youngest who is biologically his – something that has never happened before and something he and his whole fanily promised they would never do. He also had visitation with the kids today. He claimed when he picked them up that my son said in the car “oh mummy says you stole her money”. I have NEVER said anything like that to my son. When I asked my son “dad said you had a wee chat in the car today, what did you guys talk about?” My son told me he had found money in the car, his dad told him he could keep it, my son (who is 4 1/2) said it was nice to share and then said “you and mummy used to share money when you lived together but now you dont”. I did have a chat with my son a few days ago because he was asking why I couldn’t afford to buy him the toys he wanted anymore and I had explained how when daddy and mummy had lived together we had shared daddys money but now that we had split daddy had his own money because that was his money and mummy had to get her own money so mummy doesnt have as much money right now. At no point did I suggest in any way he had stolen money and my son has never hinted at thinking otherwise during any conversation we’ve ever had or any convo his teachers have had with him. Any questions Ive answered for my son Ive always followed advice of teachers etc who know about the split and are helping my son to process what is going on. I really believe my ex is lying or twisting what my son has said to try and imply that I am coercing the kids. At the end of the day he has no legal rights to the kids full stop because he’s not on any birth certificates through his own choice,never went to court to get parental responsibility (again through his own choice) and we were never married. Any visitation hes had Ive arranged off my own back for the sake of the kids because I dont want to use my kids as pawns in some stupid little power struggle. I just dont know what to do anymore. He didnt even bother phoning the mediators to arrange his intake meeting for nearly a month after he received the invitation to attend. Hes cutting money wherever he likes, using the kids as a way to hurt me – I just dont know what to do.1 March 2020 at 3:27 am #37273
All you can do is put in a CMS claim for ds2, accept that he has no legal responsibility for dc1 and try to establish a routine that will become the new normal for all of you.
It’s probably best not to discuss finances with your little one, he can’t understand and it will only puzzle him.
I hope it settles down soon.1 March 2020 at 7:58 am #37274
Thanks for replying Kathy
I intend to put in the CMS claim. Question is more what do I do about the eldest? Like I said I dont care about the money, its the fact he is singling him out and treating him differently. I dont want my son growing up feelimg inferior in anyway but I also dont want him to be heartbroken by keeping him away from a man he loves like a father. Its a terrible situation and I want to do whats best for the kids.
As for the money discussion – my eldest is very mature for his age and therefore the advice I was given when answering questions for him was to be as honest as possible but obviously always be respectful when talking about ex and his family which is what Ive done. I get theres a lot about the whole situation that is confusing for a child in this situation so I always just try and explain as best I can when answering questions of which the eldest has a lot of.1 March 2020 at 2:36 pm #37279
Maybe once things have calmed down a bit, and your ex has had enough of lashing out, he’ll realise he misses dc1.
If you don’t react to his actions now, perhaps he’ll stop behaving like an arse.
It’s a horrible situation. ☹️1 March 2020 at 8:41 pm #37281
You’re right there Kathy it is indeed a horrible situation.
Im worried my ex will never grow tired of lashing out. He has spent the last 10 years following this cycle of abuse and I feel like I’ll never be truly free of it because he’s using the kids as his last attempt to maintain control over me.
He knows it would break my heart to seperate the kids. Thats exactly why he’s now singling out the eldest – it happened the day I blocked him on whatsapp. And thats also the same day he started making claims that the kids told him I had told them he had stolen money.
If I pursue an emotional abuse case (which my solicitor advised me to do) in court then there will be investigations, social will get involved and my ex will just run a smear campaign against me and drag my name through the mud to save himself. I dont want my kids to go through all that and my biggest fear is that because its emotional abuse its so much harder to prove and a judge wont believe me. My ex is very intelligent, very wealthy and well respected because he goes around like butter wouldn’t melt and is high up in an oil company. Very few have ever seen the real nasty side he has – I think he saved it all just for me to torture me for 10 years.
Im at the point Im sick of being pushed down by him. Im sick of feeling intimidated and bullied. Im sick of just being steam rolled by him and his family. But Im scared that to make a stand would result in my kids being emotionally hurt and if I take a stand it’ll set my ex off on the war path even more.1 March 2020 at 8:48 pm #37282
I just feel like he is this poisonous tumour in my life that there is no cure for. Like he will forever be in the background trying to make my life hell any way he can and I’ll never be able to get away from him. He’ll use the kids as a weapon and there’s nothing I can do about it. Im damned if I go in with an abuse case to get him out of my life completely and I’m damned if I don’t.