narcissistic ex – just won’t stop !
29 May 2020 at 9:55 pm #40486
I’m very new to this but really need advise.
Was in an 11 year relationship, I have 2 children from a previous relationship and a 9 year old SEN son with my now ex.
My ex has never had any understanding of our child’s need, never attended any appointments or school meetings and never spent any time with him, I have felt like a single mother and relied on the help of my 17 year old daughter.
The relationship has been very rocky for years due to his controlling, possessive ways, he is a compulsive liar and there has been no intimate relationship for about 7 YEARS.
We have nothing in common and any form of communication ends in a heated argument, I accepted this as ‘normal’ for far too long and am ashamed to say that I let things go to save ANOTHER argument.
Lockdown gave me the opportunity to step back and really see how unhappy my household was – I’m normally so busy being in full time work as well as looking after the house and children etc that one day just rolled into the next well 3 weeks ago there was another massive argument and I ended up calling the police as my son was hysterical and my ex wouldn’t let me near him. He then said that he would ‘rather get him took away from you’ than him leave the relationship !
I have since given him all his property from my house as well as gifts that he had brought and the car etc after demanding them back (for the 100th time ! )
Since then he has demanded that our son rings him at least twice a day and goes out with him every other day – he has spent more time with him in 3 weeks than in a normal 3 month period living in the same house ! I am 100 percent sure this is only an excuse to come to collect him and shout abuse outside of my house in front of our son!
This last week our son hasn’t wanted to speak to him on the phone and the last time he went out was quite upset and didn’t really speak to his dad the whole time they were out – there is always a promise of new toys when he goes out with him which of course can be persuasive. I did say to his dad I think it’s too much for him and he’s not used to spending so much time with you which he took as me being horrible – the short and long of it is he is not thinking of our sons needs in all of this only his own as usual !
My ex constantly rings my sister just telling absolute lies (seeming not realising that she knows there lies !) she can’t pull him up on what he is saying as he is a very nasty over powering bully !
He normally grinds me down emotionally so that everything goes back to ‘normal’ but I am adamant that this is the end ! I can’t put my children through anymore of this !
sorry for the long post but just want to hear any advise !
thankyou1 June 2020 at 10:45 am #40537
Hi there Endofmytether
I’m sorry you are experiencing this at this time. I’m sure that there are other parents that have been in a similar situation and they may be able to give you their expereinces. In the meantime I can recommend that you contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline. They will have advisers which should be able to help you to explore your options.
Hope this helps, Justine
• National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to historic abuse Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/1 June 2020 at 11:37 am #40538
This is the same as my ex husband, I have two children from a previous relationship and two with him. I decided to leave on advice from the police as his actions towards me were escalating. That was 6 years ago and i’m finally starting to feel free of him it took me five years to get my divorce and financial settlements through the court and although he is still refusing to leave our house (he remained there i left) the sale is ready to complete as soon as lockdown in wales eases and if i have to i will go back to court to get him out. Also to prevent him from harassing me over childcare/maintenance anymore i took him to court earlier this year and a child arrangement order was put in place drop off and pick ups are now in a local supermarket carpark and he is not allowed to my house or to phone me unless it’s an emergency regarding the children, all communication is by email. Our daughter has a mobile if he wants to speak to the children and child maintenance sort out the maintenance.
On the advice of the police i started keeping a diary of his behaviour and logging it all with them once a week, he used to drive his car at me with the kids in his car, follow my elder children, follow my car driving inches from me, drive passed my house repeatedly, call 20-30 times a day plus texts and even started trying to contact me on a dating site.
Don’t let him grind you down you have reached the point where enough is enough try not to let him back in. I wish i hadn’t waited so long to get everything sorted as for the first time in 6 years i finally feel safe, i also decided to start counselling this week to help me recover mentally, something i should have done a long time ago.
Good luck and if you need anything feel free to message me.2 June 2020 at 10:31 pm #40583
Gosh ladies you’ve really been through it, I feel for you! With these kind of men it seems to come down to how much control they can still have over you and they use the kids to get to you. No contact (except email) and clear boundaries will silence them and you’ll have written evidence of all of their harassment in case you need to report him. I found womens aid very helpful and counselling.3 June 2020 at 9:48 am #40603
I am sorry to hear about your story. As MeandBeau wrote, your strongest “power” against further abuse and control is BOUNDARIES. Easier said than done but you can do it. My kids father is one of them so l educated myself to know what l dealing with & how to keep myself safe and sane!
Narcissists are Adults in a 4 to 7 year old body, pushing the boundaries, demanding unconditional love and admiration, throw tantrums to get what they want or punish the other person (you) (Narcissistic injury).
The weakness narcissists feed into is their partner’s vulnerability (through their children, financial dépendance, lack of external support, etc).
The narcissist literally “feeds” his (or her) ego and soulless self by “emotional sucking” their victim (Narcissistic Supply). The more anxiety, stress, financial difficulties they witness their victim is experiencing as a consequence of the narcissist doing or saying, the better they feel.
So, NO Emotional or verbal REACTION will literally hurt them To their core.
1) Try to avoid showing him (or people he knows) ANY emotions. 2) Research and seek help about how you can keep yourself & children safe. 3) Seek legal advice online to help you do “things by the book” rather than emotionally. Boundaries can be set in writing (court order) including contact, finance or communication exchange (like kids drop off etc). 4) Any essential communication from you should be emotionless, business like and only regarding kids contact or finance. 5) JOURNAL your emotions, anger, frustrations in a diary (this will help you process your emotions and avoid showing them to him) & keep a record of his inappropriate behaviour With dates, screen shots, emails …you will need this later, trust me. YOUR BEST REVENGE IS TO BE HAPPY (with time and healing).
Most people will think you might be overreacting etc… most people have not encountered a narcissist! YouTube has many useful videos (Rosenberg, Sam Vaknin, Lisa Romano, Dr Ramani).
You are stronger than you may think! Best wishes.3 June 2020 at 6:35 pm #40619
Thankyou all so much for taking the time to reply !
Since posting this he has upped his nastiness as I have now got myself a car – therefore he has lost another bit of control !
I have contacted Woman’s Aid and have been signposted to local DV group who I am waiting to call back from a personal advisor.
My son is refusing to speak to him on the phone and he has now resorted to blaming me for ‘turning him against him’ which of course is ridiculous as unlike him I think of my sons needs / feelings and emotions !
Im having good days where I don’t let him get to me and other days (like today) where I’m a blubbering wreck !
Hopefully the good will start to out weigh the bad !
Thankyou all again x9 June 2020 at 12:36 am #40774
You are doing so well! I’ve had a similar time with my ex but not as testing as yours. Keep at it. If you can get this far in such a short time imagine how you’ll be this time next year.
Fiona9 June 2020 at 6:00 pm #40793
So sorry to hear what you’re going through OP. I am going through a difficult divorce with a narcissistic man too so I can relate on many levels! I’m not sure I can offer any advice as I feel as helpless as you sometimes, Blue Panda’s words are some comfort to me and I definitely find when I stop, take a few breaths and see the bigger picture, I stop myself from sending an emotional outburst of a message in response to my ex’s barrage of messages/emails when he’s in this type of mood (normally alcohol related), which would only fuel more messages, anger and narcissistic behaviour from him.
Its so difficult dealing with men like this, particularly when they are the father of your children and you want to do the best by them and try not to let it affect them, but however much we try, children are clever and pick up on these things. Your son is probably overwhelmed by this new interest your husband has taken in him. I really don’t understand how these men cannot put their children first! My ex will never think of our children when he’s throwing abuse at me.
Sorry I’ve gone on a little rant now. I’m struggling today, especially as the divorce process is taking so long (not just due to Covid) and looks like we may now end up at court as he is being deliberately difficult in mediation. I just want to be free of him once and for all.9 June 2020 at 9:06 pm #40794
It’s heartbreaking that these men use their kids to get to us. But like the great advice these ladies have said, giving him no reaction will hurt him bad. I made it my mission to learn about narcissists and how we subconsciously attract them into our lives. The trick is to never let another one in, recognize what vulnerabilities they saw in you and regain your self worth. Right now, I’d say work through your feelings and look after yourself