Narcissistic ex/current partner destroying me
12 June 2020 at 1:45 pm #40904
I don’t even know where to begin, it’s such a mess.
i have 4 children, 3 from my marriage (we are separated) and one from my current partner. I say ex a lot of the time as we are on and off more than I can count.
my children range from 5 months to 13 years old and I am 34.
after separating from my husband, with whom I was with 17 years, I began a relationship with a friend whom I had known for most of my adult life. Things were amazing! We connected so week, done so many amazing things and were head over heels in love. I left my job and worked for him and sold my car (as he wanted me to have a “nicer one “) so we went halves on a fancy car I was told it was a gift and it was mine.
things slowly began to unravel though when I learnt he had an ex who he couldn’t let go of. 6 months into the relationship he confessed to there being an “overlap” with her – and they had been sleeping together. I couldn’t believe it. But I was so happy and loved him so much I forgave him and carried on.
fast forward some time and a year after getting tivether he proposed to me. It felt like all my Christmas’ came at once. My children and I were so happy. And then… the ex. Contacting me, telling me they still spoke, met up, having sex etc he denied it all except talking, saying she held things over him and he only wanted to appease her. But then nights out became plagued with her. It turned out they went to the same pub and were basically having a relationship behind my back. He would also be doing favours for her without me knowing.
anyways, I didn’t know all this so me and my children moved into his home, April 2019. May 2019 I was pregnant and he was ecstatic! Couldn’t believe it so happy! And then somehow he changed. Every day he would come home and moan I hadn’t done anything. Would shout at me. Tell me to grow up if I was suffering with sickness. Moan I wasn’t strict enough with my kids. Moan they were untidy.
in this time my dad was diagnosed with dementia and I became his carer as well as working for my partner.
and then my partner decided to start going to the pub 6 nights a week – whilst I was pregnant- and sometimes not coming home til 5am. The stress and upset was horrendous. I had no idea what I had done.
then he told me not to bother coming work as I annoyed him, but would tell other people I couldn’t be bothered 🙁
then he started taking cocaine and would not stop . After many arguments which always resulted in me being thrown out and pregnant I decided I had to get out so I went to the council and was put in a hotel until a house for rent came up.
I got a house in November and with help from family set it up in a day – as he threatened to burn all my things if I wasn’t gone in a day.
Im going to fast forward a large part Cos honestly, it will take forever but over the last 6 months I have been in and out of this relationship – begged to be with him and dropped for the ex more times than I can count. I was even begged back for Christmas with the kids and dumped on Boxing Day.
4 days later my placenta ripped away and I had an emergency section. He was there. And adamant this was a new start. A few weeks later I find out he spent the whole time sleeping between two houses and telling people he was just helping me, not with me. He went to sleep in my house on my birthday and the next day went to hers.
i found all this out because she came to me to tell me everything.
during that time I also lost my dad. It’s destroyed me.
combined with all the affairs, having a c section and recovering alone ( he went back to work 2 days after she was born) and now raising all these kids alone it is killing me. Every week he wants to try again. He will only see his daughter if I go too, and he now works 7 days a week so can’t ever have her overnight alone. Lock down means I have no help with her, although luckily my ex husband has been amazing with our other kids. He has been my pillar of strength, coming to the funeral of my Dad and listening to me. I wish I could explain to people how warped my mind has become by being told I’m everything then dropped every couple of days. I don’t know how to break the cycle. I’m so emotionally done and so broken inside. I don’t enjoy life and feel trapped.
before all this I was a pro dancer and accountant and was full of life. And now I have nothing. My support network was crushed by him and everyone thinks I’m a fool and had lost patience. I’m losing patience myself to be fair. Why do I believe him? Why can’t I see he won’t change and when the lockdown ends I’m sure he will be back in that pub again
to make matters worse the ex of his text me last week saying they will always be friends and I should accept it else they will have to be secret about it.
how have I ended up here ? I haven’t even said half of the worse things he has done as I’m too ashamed.
how can I still love a man like it? Please someone give me some strength and tell me how I combat this trauma bond I seem to have with him.
Just to add, my family are also very narcissistic and so do not understand. I had a very complicated upbringing and was adopted too.
if I read this back it probably wouldn’t even all make sense, but this is me reaching out because today feels darker than ever 🙁
thanks12 June 2020 at 1:52 pm #40905
Also just to explain, everytime I say it’s over he threatens to stop my wages, take my car and had even threatened to attempt full custody of our daughter – the one he never looks after. So I end up relenting as things become so bad I lose strength and can’t fight anymore
also my daughter was only 8 weeks old when I lost my dad 🙁 x12 June 2020 at 2:22 pm #40906
I’m sorry you are feeling like this. I am hoping that other parents here may have been through similar experiences and that they’ll be able to offer some words of support to you. I will be sending you a private message with some signposting options so please do look out for that.
Kind regards, Justine13 June 2020 at 8:13 am #40932
Really sorry to read you’re feeling so down. I can’t begin to understand how you’re feeling right now. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be that you need to consider a change of location or maybe talking to a professional. I used to be a Samaritans listening volunteer and they offer an excellent service.
And you don’t have nothing; you have children and they are the greatest gift.
happy to help if I can.13 June 2020 at 8:50 am #40933
I’m so sorry to hear what a hard time you’re having. I can really recommend talking to someone if you can. It helps to get clarity on your feelings and a way forward. Talking changes are also available on the phone and you can self refer to them. Recognisi g that you need help is the first step. It will be a long road as you need to rebuild your confidence and your life as you come out of an abusive relationship. There is hope though so don’t give up. I am a single parent who has put myself through a three year degree with a long term condition so you can rebuild your life too. Sending you a virtual hug. Keep talking and take one day at a time xxxx14 June 2020 at 5:09 pm #40964
Thank you for replying
I know I’m the only one who can change things, but I have lost all strength. I feel like I live on survival mode and it’s so disheartening when I have always been so ambitious and happy in myself14 June 2020 at 5:21 pm #40965
he promised he would have our baby girl from 12pm so I can catch up on my coursework which I am so behind with.
then my daughter was up all night with tummy ache so I’ve had two hours sleep and so was going to nap and then work
Long story short he’s been home since 1.30, didn’t tell me (even though I text asking and saying to let me know he was home) he told me at 4.30 and now he’s proceeded to tell me that the work he done today was kore important than me napping and doing my course and if I can’t handle it don’t be with him.
so here I am exhausted with A migraine, aware that I’m now a day further behind on my course and being told I’m asking too much for him to have her for a few hours.
ive had approx 1-2 hours help a week from him since she was born. I am running out of steam and the heartache from being told how much I nag and am ungrateful for “all he does for us” is killing me inside 🙁 X15 June 2020 at 2:30 pm #41030
Same situation as you here!!! Currently single but things are always on off too!! I have 3 boys 7,4,2!!
You don’t need this in your life and neither do I!! It is so hard to move on!! Love is poison at times!!
peronally don’t get why people still speak to there ex’s arnt they an ex for a reason??!! Strange!!
it sounds to me he has done this to control you with the car!! My ex did it to me!! the car was in my name so thought he didn’t have grounds to stand on until he smashed up the window scream in the middle of the day infront of me and my kids with a hammer!! he did this as I said it was over!! Went to court but because he could prove he paid for it he didn’t get done for criminal damage (like kicking ur own tv in!) he’d always come and take it back off me ect for no reason just to wind me up!!!
i know it’s a nightmare but that’s all he had on me so I gave it him back and my aunt gave me £800 for a cheap run around!! He then sold his so nice!!
he used to do cocaine and still does that’s main reason why we split he was a monster on it!! He’d not care about me or his children and walk in when I was leaving to go to work!!
i also worked in the best hair salon ever had lots of friends!! now I can’t work and have no friends!!
Im the same as you, I always believe what he says that’s because we are living in hope I guess 9 years later I’m still in this boat!!
I used to tell my mum and all my friends it’s the same they just get annoyed with me and have no more patience either as they just think just get rid!!! Totally!!!
he used to go on my phone but I couldn’t go on his I used to pay all rent bills ect then go to him for money (control?!)
I didn’t go out but he did!! It’s just not fair is it!! I always think why do I love this man!! I’ll always love this man as he’s the father to my children and when things are good there amazing it’s just when things are bad it’s really bad and I’m just mentally and emotionally drained!!
I don’t think we will ever understand?
its hard to explain ur life story on here but we split up then I slept with him got pregnant again I am now alone with his 3 boys while he lives at his mums rent free still has his job decent wage why are we always left in the crap to pick up the pieces ??
i had a c section with my last son was awful not good are they don’t help when your going through so much alone! Always here to talk xx15 June 2020 at 4:03 pm #41038
Couldn’t he get into trouble for just stopping your wages ? I’d seek some advice or just get new job new car so he hasn’t got a hold on you sending a hug xx