Name Change Pressure
5 November 2019 at 2:31 pm #32568
Hi guys, I’m new here – a single mum in Northampton – and just wanting to see if anyone else has experienced anything like this?
I’ve been separated since Feb 2017, have one little boy who is now 4. He stays with his dad three weekends out of four, while I have him the rest of the time – his dad pays no maintenance, which is another story, but other than that is a good, involved dad.
His dad has a new baby due next month with his fiancé – our divorce went through at the end of this September, so he plans to get married next year I think. I’ve ummed and erred about changing back to my maiden name, but ultimately have erred on the side of keeping my married name so it’s the same as my son’s.
Today, out of the blue, I’ve had text messages from my ex husband pressuring me to change my name back as it “makes him feel uncomfortable seeing me associated with the marital name”. He didn’t understand that I’d want to keep it the same as our son’s – ultimately I feel outraged that he’d even think he had any right to ask me to change my name back. I personally believe it’s only that he’s getting married next year and presumably finds me, as a previous wife, a blemish on his history, or that his fiancé doesn’t appreciate being the second Mrs.
I’ve stated that I’ve no intention of changing my name and stuck to my guns, but I’m left reeling that he’d even think he had any right to influence what I call myself? Am I missing something?
Sorry for the first post rant!5 November 2019 at 6:41 pm #32577
I understand why people find it off when post divorce a female keeps the marital name. But it’s your choice alone.
The obvious response is ok I will change it only if our child has my maiden name as surname too.5 November 2019 at 6:49 pm #32578
Hi, I have to considered this as I don’t feel I want to be associated with him anymore & my maiden name is quite pretty! However, I think I am going to wait until my youngest DD is 18, its only 2.5 years away and I just think things will be easier for both of us if our names are the same & tbh after having moved house twice in the last 6 months and had to inform everyone, the thought of having to do this all over again with a name change is just exhausting!
Don’t be bullied, if you want it for you to lose the association go for it, if you would rather wait then do – You will know when the time is right.6 November 2019 at 11:38 am #32608
Thank you to both of you for your replies.
@girlfriday that’s something I hadn’t considered – I like the idea of waiting until the little one is older. And I’ve had to move house 4 times in 2 years, so you have my utmost sympathy with the house moves!!!
@solomummy That’s another angle to go for – I’m sure he wouldn’t agree to our son having my maiden name but that’s a great counter!6 November 2019 at 12:54 pm #32609
Hi hun. I have 2 boys and kept my married surname. For the same reasons. I wanted my name to match theirs. Don’t be bullied into changing. When dealing with schools etc it’s so much easier. Plus as he is a boy his surname will not change. Therefore (thinking too far ahead I’m sure) your grandchildren will have that name too.
He is selfish to think that name belongs to just HIM.
My situation is especially funny as my ex has gone on to have another boy with another lady (but they are not married) and so my surname matches her son’s surname but not hers. Eek.
Hope that made you smile anyway. Hope you sort it out.6 November 2019 at 2:43 pm #32615
I agree with all of the posters, just refuse.
When I split with my boys mum she asked me if she could keep my name which I was really pleased about, it’s much better for our son.7 November 2019 at 12:53 pm #32673
@mamabear1 – bless you, thank you for that! The even funnier thing is – the same thing is about to happen to me! My ex husband is having another boy with his fiance and (not that I get told) but I don’t think they’re planning to get married til next year. So their baby will have the same surname as me too! Hilarious!
@ramblinjon – That’s lovely. I did sort of think it was a good thing to keep the same surname, but my ex doesn’t think the same!7 November 2019 at 4:30 pm #32693
Your name changes, your sons name changes done ☺ xx7 November 2019 at 9:37 pm #32702
I went through a similar experience and came to the opposite conclusion as some of the others.
My ex moved straight in with the woman he had an affair with and very quickly asked me when I would be changing my name because it was bothering his new partner! I had actually already decided that I needed to change it back to my maiden name as his behaviour (and that of his mother) had been so vile that I no longer wanted to be associated with him or his family. I needed to do it for my own sanity.
Also we both work for the same (large) company that I was constantly being asked ‘oh so you’re…… wife’ and having to explain.
Unfortunately my daughter doesn’t have the luxury of changing hers and I just said that she could choose when she was older if she wanted to change hers (or double barrel it). She comments occasionally on us having different names but seems to have accepted it. In the last year, i have had no issues at all with school, doctors etc etc7 November 2019 at 10:13 pm #32705
Well done AJ. Everyone’s circumstances are different. It’s about choice. Do what feels right for you.
A happy mom can create a happy home.8 November 2019 at 7:43 am #32709
Definitely, I agree Mamabear1 – there’s no right or wrong here! 🙂