Name Change Pressure

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  • #32568 Report


    Hi guys, I’m new here – a single mum in Northampton – and just wanting to see if anyone else has experienced anything like this?

    I’ve  been separated since Feb 2017, have one little boy who is now 4. He stays with his dad three weekends out of four, while I have him the rest of the time – his dad pays no maintenance, which is another story, but other than that is a good, involved dad.

    His dad has a new baby due next month with his fiancé – our divorce went through at the end of this September, so he plans to get married next year I think. I’ve ummed and erred about changing back to my maiden name, but ultimately have erred on the side of keeping my married name so it’s the same as my son’s.

    Today, out of the blue, I’ve had text messages from my ex husband pressuring me to change my name back as it “makes him feel uncomfortable seeing me associated with the marital name”. He didn’t understand that I’d want to keep it the same as our son’s – ultimately I feel outraged that he’d even think he had any right to ask me to change my name back. I personally believe it’s only that he’s getting married next year and presumably finds me, as a previous wife, a blemish on his history, or that his fiancé doesn’t appreciate being the second Mrs.

    I’ve stated that I’ve no intention of changing my name and stuck to my guns, but I’m left reeling that he’d even think he had any right to influence what I call myself? Am I missing something?

    Sorry for the first post rant!


    #32578 Report


    Hi, I have to considered this as I don’t feel I want to be associated with him anymore & my maiden name is quite pretty!   However, I think I am going to wait until my youngest DD is 18, its only 2.5 years away and I just think things will be easier for both of us if our names are the same & tbh after having moved house twice in the last 6 months and had to inform everyone, the thought of having to do this all over again with a name change is just exhausting!

    Don’t be bullied, if you want it for you to lose the association go for it, if you would rather wait then do – You will know when the time is right.

    #32608 Report


    Thank you to both of you for your replies.

    that’s something I hadn’t considered – I like the idea of waiting until the little one is older. And I’ve had to move house 4 times in 2 years, so you have my utmost sympathy with the house moves!!!


    That’s another angle to go for – I’m sure he wouldn’t agree to our son having my maiden name but that’s a great counter!

    #32609 Report


    Hi hun. I have 2 boys and kept my married surname. For the same reasons. I wanted my name to match theirs. Don’t be bullied into changing. When dealing with schools etc it’s so much easier. Plus as he is a boy his surname will not change. Therefore (thinking too far ahead I’m sure) your grandchildren will have that name too.

    He is selfish to think that name belongs to just HIM.

    My situation is especially funny as my ex has gone on to have another boy with another lady (but they are not married) and so my surname matches her son’s surname but not hers. Eek.

    Hope that made you smile anyway. Hope you sort it out.

    #32615 Report


    I agree with all of the posters, just refuse.

    When I split with my boys mum she asked me if she could keep my name which I was really pleased about, it’s much better for our son.

    #32673 Report


    @Mamabear1 – bless you, thank you for that! The even funnier thing is – the same thing is about to happen to me! My ex husband is having another boy with his fiance and (not that I get told) but I don’t think they’re planning to get married til next year. So their baby will have the same surname as me too! Hilarious!

    – That’s lovely. I did sort of think it was a good thing to keep the same surname, but my ex doesn’t think the same!

    #32693 Report


    Your name changes, your sons name changes done ☺ xx

    #32702 Report



    I went through a similar experience and came to the opposite conclusion as some of the others.

    My ex moved straight in with the woman he had an affair with and very quickly asked me when I would be changing my name because it was bothering his new partner! I had actually already decided that I needed to change it back to my maiden name as his behaviour (and that of his mother) had been so vile that I no longer wanted to be associated with him or his family. I needed to do it for my own sanity.

    Also we both work for the same (large) company that I was constantly being asked ‘oh so you’re…… wife’ and having to explain.

    Unfortunately my daughter doesn’t have the luxury of changing hers and I just said that she could choose when she was older if she wanted to change hers (or double barrel it). She comments occasionally on us having different names but seems to have accepted it. In the last year, i have had no issues at all with school, doctors etc etc

    #32705 Report


    Well done AJ. Everyone’s circumstances are different. It’s about choice. Do what feels right for you.

    A happy mom can create a happy home.

    #32709 Report


    Definitely, I agree Mamabear1 – there’s no right or wrong here! 🙂

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