My son has a half Brother

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  • #51715 Report

    FJIE15
    Participant

    Hi all

    Im am looking for some help and advice and though there may be some of you with valuable experience who could help me .

     

    I am a single mum of a 15 year old boy ,I have brought him up on my own since he was nine years old when me and his father  divorced, unfortunately my son and his farther do not have a good relationship , he has only ever seen him on and off a handful of times the last time being over a year ago .

    my son has been unusually quiet this week and clearly out of sorts but tells me he is o.k , but today I found out his farther had another baby 2 weeks ago ,(I saw a post on social media ) I am quiet sure my son knows but he hasn’t told me ,I am sure he has seen the social media post to . Neither my son or myself new his farther and partner were expecting a child .

    so I was after some advice on how to help guide my son through this , I have loads of questions like how will my son feel about this ,will he feel hurt that his father didn’t tell him ,Will he be excited he has a sibling, will he want to meet his new sibling(it absolutely fine by me if he does ) , how do I support him though it , I just can’t relate or believe it , I can’t have any contact with my ex husband due to being a victim of domestic abuse (this is one of the reasons they don’t have a good relationship, there are measures in place that my son can see his farther if he wants to but due to visits never going well he says he doesn’t want to see him , the do have each other’s phone numbers and tex a couple of time a year )so I don’t feel it appropriate for me to make contact nor do I want to ,should I encourage my son to though ? If my son hasn’t mentioned it to me should I tell my son and discuss it with him ?

    any advice or suggestion appreciated x

     

    #51717 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    I could only guess how my own 16 yr old son might feel given this situation and I guess he prob feels little upset about discovering this information online. Your son shouldn’t have to hear the news via social media. I guess that dads failure to include him, even if he didn’t have a good relationship makes your son feel excluded further, and it demonstrates no desire on dads part for your son to be integrated into that family unit. I’m sure that’s how your son will feel even if he’s not able to articulate this himself. It’s sad really. Personally, I would speak with my son about this so it’s out in the open, rather than ignoring it and let him know you’re there for him if he needs to chat. Sometimes I see anger and bitterness growing in my son towards his dad, and I don’t like that. If you chat your sons response might surprise you. He might tell you dads already been in contact, though possibly not, you just never know

    #51721 Report

    FJIE15
    Participant

    Thank you for your response

    iv have had a chat with him and he did know and said it hurts and he doesn’t know what he has done wrong to be left out ,I have told him he has done nothing wrong .And he has not heard from is Dad , he said he doesn’t know weather or not to message him . Your response was spot on thank you ,gave me the confidence to talk to him , wish I could take all the hurt away from  him though , my plan is to keep him talking and let him decide in his own time on weather he wants to make contact or not .

    Thank You

     

     

    #51724 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    I think now that you’ve opened it up to conversation, I’d leave the ball in your sons court re whether he wants to talk any further. For you to continue bringing it up is like rubbing salt in the wound each time. He needs time to process it and your son will make his own mind up whether he wants to make contact with dad, he knows your there if he needs you.
    What I’ve learnt as a parent is that i don’t need to resolve the problems my children face. Each of these problems provide an opportunity to teach them there are options, and each option comes with an outcome. They’re to consider the options and potential outcomes and be confident in their decision making. I’ll teach them to respond and not react. There’s not many decisions that come without an opportunity to sleep on it. If I can teach them how to process a problem, then I don’t need to provide a solution.

    #51725 Report

    kathmaria143
    Participant

    Hi <span style=”background-color: #f9fbfd; color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif;”>FJIE15</span>
    <div></div>
    <div>Your son is 15 years old. I strongly recommend him to get some counselling to process the feelings which he may not be feeling. He may not be able to talk through these feelings with you, as he may not want to hurt you.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>I had a non-molestation order and an occupational order in place with my husband due to domestic violence. I can still text him. I would advise if you made contact with the father, and explain his son has found out, and upset.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>He as the father should want to share the good news of a new child, and he should explain that he and you as the mother have divorced/separated. Both he and yourself are allowed and entitled to new relationships.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Your son needs to know that he will always be his Dad. He still loves him. Your son may want to embrace that he has a new brother or sister from his Dad’s side of his new extended family.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>I know the breakup of a relationship is hard, and so is the fact that each person may move on and have new loves and a new family. This is what happens in life.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>So to conclude, enquiry for your son to have some counselling.</div>
    <div>Try to get the father to reconnect contact with his son, and explain, about his new relationship, and a new member of ur sons family. The father should include your son as well.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>One counselling technique I learnt is that you need to say to your son, three times in the conversation. “It is not your fault!”</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Children see things from a child perspective. One day he may see things differently, but now he is still an older child.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Good luck, thanks Katherine</div>
    <div></div>
    <div></div>

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