My partner left and does not take interest in our 4 little children anymore
28 July 2019 at 3:30 pm #28434
this is my first time on any forum, so I am not sure if this is the right place for my story.
I always felt that writing was a way for me to understand my grief and pain better. I am not writing this to blame my ex-partner, there are always 2 persons involved in a relationshop, and this is how I experienced the situation.
Since 7 months, I am a single dad with 4 kids (2 boys&2girls), aged 3,5,7 and 10 years.
I met my wife in 2006 when I lived in Bangkok. There is a 14 year age difference.
My 2 oldest were born in Bangkok. We moved back to Europe, when the oldest one was diagnosed being in the ASS spectrum. So more appropriate school and better guidance was provided in Europe than Thailand.
It was not her first time in Europe, she lived in the UK for 7 years before. She did not have any other kids.
We were very happy, at that time for sure, my business was doing very well, and we had a fantastic life. The 2 youngest were born here, and everyone seemed happy. She is adored by my parents, they see her as a daughter they never had, and she is a very easygoing, optimistic and a fantastic person.
After the youngest one was born, there was a bit of a problem during the C section, and she had a emergency operation. But she recovered very fast, and the little one was ok.
But, in the last 2 years, I noticed little things changing. My business was struggling, and we needed to keep a tight ship to survive properly.
Her mom (from Thailand) was not very pleased with here having 4 children, because that meant that there was no money left for them to live off. They always taught my ex that she should support them financially.
I was not planning to support them financially, we have a family with 4 kids, so for me it was pretty obvious that the children come first.
Last year July, she went back to Thailand with the 4 kids, to they could spend the summer holidays with their grandparents.
Upon her return last August, (the kids had a fantastic time), she had changed a lot in her behaviour. She started dressing more outspoken, she told she was not happy anymore, and she needed money to buy a house for her parents in Thailand. I told her that was not possible, since we had our own family to take care off. She was not happy about this, but with time passing, she seemed to be ok with it, at least that was what I thought.
End October, I leave for China for 3 weeks, on business. As soon as I left, I noticed that there was quite a bit of money missing from our account. I asked her about it, and she told me that her father was ill, and needed an operation. I told her that she should at least have talked about it before she did that, and I was not happy about it at all. A week later, in my 2nd week on business, there is more monay disappearing from the account. I try to confront her, but I can not get hold of her.
So, as a last resort, I contact on of my brothers to go check my house if she is there or not. He has a key, and when he comes in, he finds several bags filled with clothes, and new set of passports for the kids. The kids were still in school, only the youngest one is with her. I cut my trip short, and fly back home immediately.
I arrive the following morning, and try to reason with her, why she wanted to run away with the kids. She tells me she wanted to go on holiday. Days of arguments follow, then the dust seems to settle down. Alas, this was just the beginning.
One day, last December, I come back home, and find her crying. I asked her whats wrong, and then she tells me a story about her parents borrowed money from a loanshark, and they can not pay it back anymore. her dad had been kicked around a bit, and they were going to have to sign over their house to that loanshark. So she needed money urgently, and if I could help her out this one time to help her parents. I agree, and I transfer a substantial amount.
The week after, I find documents from Western Union, that this money was sent out, only not to Thailand, but to Nigeria. She was scammed by a Nigerian, whom she believed was a GI in Afghanistan, and he was in love with her. And she was in love too, that what she thought.
Upon searching the house, I also find the empty boxes on the golden bracelets from our 4 children, and her designer bags Vuitton missing. I find documents that she sold everything, for little money, and also sent that to Nigeria.
Then things go from bad to worse. Daily verbal fights going on for hours on end. The kids are scared to death. She repititively threatens to kill herself, and hangs a noose around her neck.
I tell her we need to seek professional help, that I can not help her alone anymore. She states if I do that, then she will run off, and I will never find her back.
Alot of things happen in the Xmas period, I discover that she lied about alot of things in the past months.
This is not the person I met 12 years ago. She used to be the best mom, that any kid could imagine, and I thought so too. I would have given her prize for best mom in the world.
First weeks in January, she changed mood a bit, for the better. She is friendly, makes conversation. I thought it was going to be the start of a long recovery.
Then on January 12, I ask her what I need to make for dinner. She says she is n going out with a guy from work. I get furious, and tell her if she wants to go out with this guy, she can take her bags with her. She got up, packed her bags, and left.
In the first days she was gone, she called every day to say hello to the kids. She told them she had to work long days, and would come home in a while. Then after the first 2 months, she does not call anymore, just a text every few days. By May, it is down to once a week, and since end June, we have not heard from her since.
She did not bother to call or send a Bday card for the youngest daughter, Bday in June. The only thing that she did, was texting me, asking if she could drop by to say hello to the kids. I told her I was not comfortable with that, cuz she would be there for an hour, and then leave again. And I can pick up the broken hearts from the kids again.
Now a new Bday coming up Aug 1st, Aug 29th, and Sept 16th.
I have been struggling my with own feelings, that I should have let her go out with that guy, maybe she still would be there for the kids. Maybe I should have supported her parents financially. Maybe I should have let her come to visit on our daughters Bday. A million things go thru my mind what I could have done differently.
I know after 10 years, I started to taking her for granted, so I am also to blame. And unfortunately, I did not see it that I was wrong. After all, she never complained, so I thought I was doing just fine. How wrong I was.
Now I am struggling with the feeling that I put my kids without a mother because o my taking her for granted.
The kids had a very hard time, I did the best I could, we still all sleep together in one bedroom, I want to be close to them, so they wont feel abandonded. It breaks my heart, but I can not tell them where their mom is, who she is with, what she is doing. She changed her phone nr and I can not contact her in any way. I tried to contact her thru some of her friends on FB, but not reply.
Last I hear, she lived 7km from our home.
This last 10 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions, fights, pain. And in the mean time, I dont want to seem weak in front of the kids, cuz I never want to give them the feeling I am breaking down. It breaks my heart that their mom left us. I was part of the problem, I understand that, but how can someone just leave their kids, and not being interested in them anymore. I understand that she most probably hates me, but I think her love for the kids should be bigger than her hate for me.
There are lot of things that happened in the last 10 months, that I did not write down here.
I am trying to cope with my own feelings, but I can not say its been easy. I am ashamed to say, but the kids are alot stronger than me, and, unknowingly, help me accept the situation we are in. It should be the other way around, that a parent should comfort their children.
Anyway, thanks for allowing me to write down my story here. It might not help anyone, but it helps me a little to give the pain and loss a place.28 July 2019 at 4:29 pm #28437
Firstly good afternoon Philippe,
My name is Sandra,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through at this time. I am single mother of 4, and I can say going through pain and having to be the face of strength for 4 children can be testing. I absolutely relate to you when you mentioned about how heartbreaking it is seeing them and then separating your own pain too. I am also a great believer in writing out all those emotions you’re going through, so thank you for sharing your story.
I was just sitting here listening to my children play, they are aged 16, 13,8 and 5. Looking out into the garden trying to work out what id like to do next in life and your story caught my eye as I was checking some advice on gingerbread.
You should be very proud of yourself for just being present and here with your children. Take each day as it comes and remind yourself you’re human. Unfortunately we can’t rewind the clock and it seems at our lowest is when the coulda woulda shoulda’s spring right into minds, heavying the load. As time goes by forgive yourself and allow yourself to have “human” days when you allow yourself to feel and release those emotions.
I have had my fair share of heartaches and tumultuous times with my children’s father. Nothing close to your own situation respectfully. But I hope my words have helped ease some of the load. Take one day at a time and I wish you and your children peace and balance in your days to come. It will all work out.
X28 July 2019 at 4:54 pm #28439
thanks for your support, I appreciate it, a kind word can do wonders sometimes.