my husband of 15 years has been having an affair – I’m struggling to cope

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  • #38358 Report

    HB_ 69
    Participant

    Hi

    i found out a month ago that my husband has been having an affair with someone he works with for 4 months, he admitted it to me.

    we have a 13 year old son together.

    i told him to move out, he has now moved into rented accommodation for 6 months.

    he still sees our son regularly for an hour here and there but now with this whole lockdown situation I am finding it hard to cope and I just don’t know what to do.

    my son wants me to forget about what his dad has done to us and to have him back, I can’t imagine having him back but I don’t want to sell our lovely family home – I can’t afford to live here on my own.

    i just don’t know what to do, I feel very vulnerable and alone.

    any help would be appreciated, thank you

    #38367 Report

    A_Father_91
    Participant

    Be strong, the tough times will pass and the hurt will eventually become less.

    If your heart isn’t in taking him back then maybe don’t do it. Focus on how to make your life easier going forward and what realistic changes you can make for that to happen.

    #38377 Report

    SOM86
    Participant

    Hiya,

    I’m in a really similar situation I have just found out my husband of 10 years has been seeing someone else at his work and he’s just moved out before the lockdown started. I’m now home with our 2 children struggling trying to deal with my marriage ending, what I need to do moving forward, dealing with all the hurt and entertaining two children. Not being able to see my family has been so hard too. I feel so lonely and lost. There will be good days and bad days, I know that. Try not to feel alone, I know it’s so hard but hopefully the future will be better for both of us. Sorry I’m not much help but I just wanted you to know I’m going through it too.

    #38378 Report

    HB_ 69
    Participant

    Hi SOM86

    Thank you for your reply.  It sounds like we both are going through a very similar situation. Perhaps we can help each other through it?

    #38406 Report

    SOM86
    Participant

    Hi HB_69,

    ive sent you a private message.

    #38415 Report

    MariaJP
    Participant

    Hi. I’m in a similar, but different situation! 3 weeks ago i inadvertently found out that my partner of 17 years had been having an affair for at least 6 months, maybe up to a year. I had no idea as i trusted him completely. He has since told me that he has been unhappy with our relationship for at least 2 years. We have a 13 year old disabled daughter who will never live independently and are utterly intertwined due to our daughter, wills and trusts, POAs, our house, our business and our friends. Within 3 weeks he has already bought a flat subject to contract with his girlfriend. They met on Twitter! She doesn’t live in our city but is going to move here in 12-18 months when her daughter goes to college. I’m still in a state of disbelief that the man i love could be this other person and deceive me for so long. It’s utterly shocking. Due to my daughter’s difficulties we will have to see each other regularly forever. She is currently going through an extremely difficult time of high anxiety which leads her to be violent towards me (an ongoing issue which has built over the years) so i had to ask my partner to stay so that she wasn’t further destabilised. He keeps telling me that she is his priority but she will be feeling confused, scared and rejected when she finds out. Negative or confused emotions are a trigger for her violence. I simply can’t compute that he would do this to her. Choosing to run away from us rather than making any attempt to save our family. I can’t believe he would leave her. I have cried and cried. Feel numb and hollow. I can’t shift the shock and disbelief. I persuaded him to go to couples counselling to try and find a way forward but we only had 2 before the corona virus hit and it doesn’t feel safe to do it via skype in the house. Now we can no longer get help from counsellors, mediation or solicitors. We are stuck together. He escalated his visits to his girlfriend to once a week or more as soon as i found out. The pain each time he left was too much to bear. I decided to make a deal with him last night. As we can no longer get any outside help and temporarily he can no longer visit his girlfriend or complete on the flat we put our personal issues aside for the time being and concentrate on the business and our daughter. The stress of the corona virus situation along with the extremes of emotion were just too much to handle. He’s agreed. I figure i can keep it up during the day, we’ve lived together so long and have been best friends for 20 years so easily fall back into just being us, but will no doubt stay up all night agonising and writing things like this! It’s impossible to shift my mind whilst we are still together. i love him and i’m clinging on to that unhealthily in a desperate attempt to stop my daughter getting hurt.

    #38418 Report

    HB_ 69
    Participant

    Sorry to hear of your situation too MariaJP

    it sounds like there is a few of us around.

    Here if you need to talk .

    #38421 Report

    MariaJP
    Participant

    Thanks. x

     

    #38504 Report

    backontheshelf
    Participant

    The pain/numbness you guys are feeling is heart breaking. I used to hate the first 30 seconds when you wake and think that everything is ok and then reality hits you like a brick. Please know that you can do this and it is hard, but day by day you will start to cope and then manage and then thrive again although i appreciate it is too soon to think that. If you can take advantage of being able to go out and exercise then I would really recommend it for your sanity, stay strong xxx

    #38507 Report

    Cypher
    Participant

    HB – you’re not alone.  Having the courage to reach out makes you *not* alone.
    Your son’s wellbeing comes first of course.
    The rest comes later.
    There’s no professional, friend nor probably family member who can help you steer through these coming trials.
    But someone will be around here.  That much you should know.

    Bless,|

    -Cypher-

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Cypher.
    #38511 Report

    Cypher
    Participant

    I should add no *individual* who can.  It takes friends or family or whomever you decide to trust.  And either you will find them, or they will find you 🙂

     

    #38544 Report

    Dorota
    Participant

    Hi HB_69,

    Similar but not exactly same situation. At the end of the day we have been betrayed by our loved ones. Im too struggling, its more of a lost identity and mourning over my lost family life.  And future that will never come.

    Here if you need to talk.

    #38612 Report

    Eva39
    Participant

    Hi all I’ve just read through this thread and it’s heartbreaking how many of us have been treated like this. My story is this.. my husband left me and our 3 children 2 months ago. I have since found out he had an affair and my whole world turned upside down! My confidence is shattered and I’m down in the dumps. How do you get over something like this? I feel such a fool as I genuinely thought we had a wonderful marriage. Anyway I’m here if anyone wants to chat or you have any advice for me. Stay strong x

    #39048 Report

    LawD
    Participant

    HB sorry to hear this & of course the other ladies too.

    I also have found out that my husband of 15 years (best friend or so I thought) was having an affair of 4/5 months. Utter gut wrenching shock.  Have clung onto the fact that he was/is suffering with depression/mental health & it just ‘isn’t him’ & everyone told me that this can’t be his true feelings as everyone knew he adored me & our family. He was very confused too, however 4 months down the line he can’t let go of ‘her’ & apparently doesn’t love me anymore. He was just about to find somewhere to rent & then lockdown happened & life is on pause. It’s given me a little more time to get my head around all this but I’m just so sad. Why don’t I hate him? Just grieving my marriage & my future I thought I had with him. I can’t believe he did this to me & our two girls (10 & 7) – he was such a family man & was very judgemental on people having affairs & now he’s done this! It’s like his whole personality has changed & I just miss my old husband so much. How do I accept this & let go?  Theres a part of me that likes lockdown as I feel safe as once it’s over I know he will go. I’m usually so strong but I’m  just heartbroken.

    Seems as though there are a few of us in this situation & happy to chat/help anyone whose also going through this hell x

    #39211 Report

    Family Time
    Participant

    Hello ,

    How sad these men think of no one but themselves , my husband walked out 14 weeks ago hasn’t paid anything towards our two little girls and is happy all over social media with many females and their children , All we can do is focus on our children and our own mental health, lockdown doesn’t help any of us at the moment , I have concentrated on bettering myself for my family I have completed on line courses free to anyone over 19 years old and recommend this too anyone suffering heartache although it doesn’t take the pain it does give you something else to think about .

    Stay safe and remember life is a journey with many ups and down but each day is a blessing , here if anyone wants to talk .

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)

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