My ex wants to take our kids (5 and 7) to his gran’s funeral…….

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum My ex wants to take our kids (5 and 7) to his gran’s funeral…….

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  • #48757 Report

    Rosy Cheeks
    Participant

    Hello

    My ex wants to take our kids to his Gran’s funeral.

    I do not think it is appropriate for them AT ALL.  It is on a school day too. (I am a key worker)

    They are 5 and 7, it was their Great Gran.  I just feel like the only plausable reason for them to attend would be so they were them there for him (Dad)? I know my kids would really suffer in such an environment with his family who are not particularly emotionally supportive…. I won’t be there.

    They were not close to her, and they don’t like going to his family’s anyway.  My daughter keeps saying that she just doesn’t like her Dad which

    I obviously don’t encourage. She is really struggling with going there at the moment as it is, getting hysterical before she goes, so much so that I had to keep her with me instead of her gong to his last weekend. It is worrying.

    I can’t tell him what she is saying to me.

    There is not even 1% of me that thinks they should attend.

    I am worried he will just accuse me of being controlling and denying him this right blah blah blah

    Am I being unreasonable?

    I genuinley think they will suffer if they do go.

    Help!!

    #48762 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    Hi,

    I think its respectful to let the kids go as it’s a family bereavement. I don’t know what type of arrangement you have with kids, but if a family member on your side passed away and the kids were staying with your ex, I don’t think you would be happy if he refused to let them attend the funeral.

    #48765 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Hi,just wondering.

    Why can’t you tell him what your daughter says to you? Is he aware that your daughter does not like going to his anyway….? If that was the case it would be to both of your benefit for you to explain that,then maybe you could explain that with that being the case a funeral would not be an appropriate place for her to see him.I personally don’t think funerals are appropriate for such young kids but if they were close to their G.G then maybe rules are different.He could surely find some other excuse to be with them.Anyway is it really his ‘right’s take little ones to a funeral?! What about what’s good for Them? Duh.Good luck.

    #48769 Report

    Sonzie2
    Participant

    I agree with you Rosy I think they are too young.  Whether it was a funeral for your  family or exes family  i think 5 and 7 is too young.  My close friend had her dads funeral yesterday – she has a 7 tear old son.  He didnt attend his grandads funeral as they considered him too young.  In normal circumstances there wld be a wake and id think acceptable for young children to attend that but obviously during covid thsts not possible.  Perhaps the family might have a memorial later down the line and then the kids can be part of that.

    #48808 Report

    Rosy Cheeks
    Participant

    Steve, I do get your point but I would not even consider taking them to a funeral so young regardless of who the children were staying with.  I would be more upset if he refused to have them so I could attend the funeral! They are too young, and things are not exactly easy atm.

     

    Gummibear, he is aware she has anxieties about gong there yes.  No idea what to do about it tbh, really hard.  I can’t tell him that she says she doesn’t like him… I just want them to have a good relationship. He has said he thinks the funeral could be a good time to bond with them… they were not close to GG really.  I know 100% that it would be wrong to send them.  I think he wants them there for him, not for them.

     

    Sonzie, I like that idea that maybe there will be a memorial. But to attend the actual funeral is just insane.  They are not emotionally happy at his, esp daughter, and to add a funeral in the mix, and thee days away from school and an extra 3 days away from me. I think it would just be awful for them.

    #48815 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    I believe currently there are limits on the amount of people able to attend a funeral so hopefully this will blow over when he realises other adult family members or friends want to attend and expect priority over kids.
    It’s possible he’s persisting with this discussion as he gets something out of the reaction he’s seeing from you?
    For the record, I agree completely with you being no place for kids but if you follow it through to the end, what is there that you can do to stop dad taking the children? Do you have a CAO in place and would it constitute a breach? What’s the worst that can happen if they are taken along? They cry a lot for whatever reason and he will need to manage that, possibly leave the service with upset kids and miss the service himself? He’s not going to appreciate you telling him this, sometimes people just need to learn for themselves.
    I wouldn’t speak to the kids about it too much until nearer as if they know you’re against it, it will raise their anxiety if they’re made to attend. Maybe once it becomes a firm plan about them attending, it might be helpful to talk to them about what happens there so they’re not afraid. There will be stuff on the internet that’s age appropriate if you need guidance

    #48816 Report

    Rosy Cheeks
    Participant

    Greenfinger, thanks for this.  I do still think wholeheartedly that it would be damaging for them to go in our current situation.  We have a temporary CAO inplace which stipulates that they live with me and go to his ever other weekend. It lays out school hols and when he is to call them, and that he can’t come to my home.   But it doesn’t cover things like funerals. But would he be in breach of the CAO if he took them seeing as the funeral falls on a day they are with scheduled to be with me? I will be at work, but he could easily just take them out of school, legally, I think? I know school would call me and stall him taking them. But they can’t stop him.   I have explained my reasons to him but he has sent me a reply which is full of his usual unjustified abusive allegations and somewhat unstable emotional statements. The reason I am so bothered about this is that I know that it is totally wrong for them to attend.  If there was even 1% of me which thought otherwise I would explore that.   So frustrating!!

     

    #48817 Report

    Rosy Cheeks
    Participant

    Oh and I have not mentioned it to the kids, I don’t think they even know what a funeral is!

     

    #48823 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Rosy

    Your ex partner would be in breach of the CAO if he removed them from‘your care or someone else you allocated to provide care’, just have a look at the wording on your CAO. You don’t need it to specifically say ‘funeral’. What you need to do is speak with school (safeguarding lead) and provide them with a copy of your CAO (Pref by email). Once they have a copy of the written instruction, they are able to prevent your ex partner from taking the children during the time which the court have defined as allocated to you. Without a copy of the CAO, they can not prevent him collecting as he has parental responsibility. It’s important that as your CAO is updated in hearings, you remember to send the CAO to school so they remain informed as to the progress of the case.
    I’m confident the position is that your ex partner would need to request your consent for him to provide care not allocated to him. If he made the request to you verbally, you can still respond in writing (without attitude) just stating that you don’t feel at their age it would be in their interest to attend. Keep it really basic. State your position denying consent and don’t engage in further pointless discussion. If he removes the children from school to take them to a funeral (at their age), it would constitute a breach and would not go in his favour at the next hearing. In reality, what this means is he’ll get a telling off, they’re not going to reduce his contact further than he already has.

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