My ex only wants two of our four children.

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  • #9708 Report

    wintersweet
    Participant

    About a week ago my ex had an arguement with our eldest (11) after the eldest asked him to stop shouting. They were in the car and he’d just picked up the kids for an overnight stay. He brought them back to our house and told my dc to get out, my dc refused without the younger ones (two have autism and my eldest sees to their care while their with their dad as he wont recognise their autism and he sleeps for hours during the day).  So he chucked them all out in the middle of the street without checking I was still home and drove off! He has declared that his relationship with the eldest is irrepairable and when I mentioned that the kids want more attention from him, they all love him but feel that he’s either shouting at them or ignoring them he decided he only wants access to the youngest two kids. I have refused that stating that would affect the oldest two emotionally and affect the relationship with their siblings (I didn’t mention that I doubted they would be well cared for without the eldest there). I have reminded him that he’s the adult and he shouldn’t abandon his kids over a bit of surliness and a couple of arguements. When I mentioned that my 9yo said “why doesn’t Dad play with us like other people’s Dads do” he got really angry with him and declared he could go and find another Dad then!

     

    He doesn’t keep to any routines, sends them to bed very late every night, doesn’t feed them properly just sends them to get their own meals. Buys things that my 9yo is allergic to and instructs everyone to eat in front of him while he gives my 9yo something completely inferior and different. Shouts at two of the kids for being fat but lets them choose what they eat for breakfast and dinner and gives them junk/take away for tea, I don’t think they’ve ever had a vegetable when they’re with him. He shouts at them for playing as he lives in a flat and is worried the neighbours will complain. He dresses them in shoes that are too small, when they say they’re too small he forces them on their feet and makes them wear them because they “look good”, something he does to himself as well. He dresses them in clothes they don’t like/are too small/are uncomfortable because he likes them to look a certain way, he keeps having their hair cut without consulting them on anything (my middle two have autism and their clothes and haircuts really cause problems for them) The last time he had my 7yo hair cut he came home and wouldn’t take his coat off for three days because the haircut really bothered him. I’ve asked him to find a hairdresser that understands autism and will take his time but he refused. He kept trying to not use boosters in the car until I threatened that he couldn’t see them anymore, kept reassuring me he wouldn’t get caught and didn’t care about the safety aspects. He’s from a different culture where children should be seen and not heard and obey every order and where everyone judges you on how you look than how you act or treat other people.  My two with autism have anxieties and sensory needs that they are afraid to express in front of their father.

     

    The more I find out from my kids since last week the more I’m glad he’s walking away in a way, I never wanted them to be without a father but it sounds like they aren’t cared for with him and are actually neglected at times and in fear of him. All the kids have been increasingly unhappy in the last few months.  I’ve spent the last six years bending over backwards to ensure that they have a relationship with their Dad. He’s now accusing me of turning the eldest against him! I’ve reassured my eldest that his Dad loves him and he’s just angry, I’ve encouraged all the kids to talk to him about what they want from their Dad, ask him to read to them, play with them, cook them proper food etc but they are too scared and when I’ve raised it with him he just shouts so I can understand why they don’t want to.

     

    My problem at present is establishing what my rights are to say no to my ex and also how to tell the children that their dad doesn’t want to see them anymore (without actually saying that or breaking their hearts). He’s adamant that he doesn’t want the eldest two and he wants to see the 7yo and 6yo ad that’s not going to happen.

    #9709 Report

    wintersweet
    Participant

    P.S. sorry for the epic post.

    #9711 Report

    Schubert
    Participant

    Hi Wintersweet,

    Don’t be sorry for your post . 2 of my children are on the spectrum and for years  I had a similar problem with my ex.

    Sorry to tell you that we ended up in court because he wanted unsupervised access.

    No legal aid and then he dropped the application during the hearing.

    My advice would be to diarise everything and keep copies of anything he sends you in writing. You are able to prove that your ex cannot meet the children’s needs.

    Keep strong, you’re doing an amazing job.

    Please message if I can help.

    Jamie

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