My ex is a bully
13 January 2020 at 9:02 pm #35473
I need advice please.
My ex and I have separated for 3 years and he is still trying to emotionally abuse me, bully me and manipulate me. No matter how hard I ignore him, he is always showing immature behaviour and send me persistent emails. I can’t stand it anymore and it is affecting my mental health. He is even using our 3 yr old son as a tool to get to me. I try not to respond to him or if I do then I never express my feelings and just reply to his questions in a neutral way. He abuse the use of the email communication. I repeatedly ask him politely to only email me regarding our son’s health, contact arrangements and handover details but he doesn’t listen. I am tired of his silly games. Luckily I have stopped the use of mobile phone coz I was getting too many texts so I have said to communicate via email instead so that I can then keep as evidence but it is still pointless.
What shall I do?13 January 2020 at 11:02 pm #35484
You could try emailing “I will check this email x times a week and will only respond if it is about time, date, location of handover except in exceptional circumstances”
Is there anyone who could take over the reading of emails for you? Are you reporting threats and malicious communications to anyone? Have you got a non molestation order?14 January 2020 at 8:11 am #35492
I have said to him<b> </b>that I check my emails just before contact and I also check after the contact but he doesn’t listen. I have asked him numerous times to only email me concerning Gethin but he continues to be hostile and giving me the guilt trip. I have also said that my solicitor advice me to apply for non molestation but he thinks that I am threatening him. This is not my attention. I am only trying to stop the abuse I am getting from him and get my life back. He keeps being disrespectful and uncooperative. I don’t know what else to do. I have asked my family to help with the emails but they don’t want to get involved I hate that he keeps treating me like this. It’s still emotional abuse and controlling behaviour and it’s destroying my mental health. I just wish he would leave me alone and only communicate with me about contact. Is that too much to ask! I get bad anxieties and insomnia because of this. I can’t live like this anymore.14 January 2020 at 4:19 pm #35528
Can you set up a separate email address for everyone else, or move all your normal friendly communication to FB etc. Block him on those.
When he is the only one left using that original email address, check it only immediately before contact. That way, he’ll just be talking to a blank inbox.15 January 2020 at 8:50 pm #35594
Poor you, sounds as though you are struggling and sorry your family don’t feel they can help. I have just left my 11 year marriage to someone who sounds quite similar, and I also suffer from anxiety and insomnia. Go to your GP and tell them everything. My gp referred me to womencentre for counseling at very low cost, maybe it would be helpful to you too. Keep swimming x15 January 2020 at 9:53 pm #35597
Thanks Karanspangle for your reply. I went to the doctors a few years ago about my insomnia and she gave me some tablets but it didn’t work. I even told the Dr about my ex problem but I got the impression she didn’t take me seriously and she didn’t really help. I went again last year about my anxieties, sleep and ex trouble and the Dr signed me up on a waiting list for counselling but that was it. I have been thinking about making another appointment to go to my gp but worried I will get dismissed again. I just feel like nobody takes me seriously.
I am suffering with depression but I am in denial and trying to forget it. I just think the doctors won’t help me. So I think I need to make another appointment and really express how my mental health is really in a bad way.
Im always on edge because my ex always threatens me to go to court and he continues to insult me with negative comments and emotional blackmail. It really gets me down.16 January 2020 at 3:10 am #35606
Non molestation orders only exist because behaviour like this is unacceptable and you deserve a life without being harassed, but right now there are no consequences if he harrases you so why should he stop?
Take the solicitors advice, Do not tell him you intend to get a NMO hoping it will stop him because he already knows his behaviour is distressing you, he’s carried on, You’ve warned him that if he doesn’t stop harassing you there will be a consequence, he carries on. You’ve given him every chance to behave reasonably and he has chosen not to.
He’s left you no choice, it’s not something you want to do but you can’t live like this. No one can.
Look at womens aid and rights of women websites for more support.16 January 2020 at 7:54 am #35608
I agree with with boysmam above, you must get the non-molestation order. I got this ordered on my ex for the constant harassment to me and my son, and the phone calls and texts had to stop. When he breached it, i reported it to the police and they are taking it further. Your ex won’t stop until you do this and he then knows you are serious.16 January 2020 at 8:03 am #35609
How do you communicate about contact and holidays when there is a non molestation? Sometimes with the contact arrangements days and times needs changing, also when lateness occurs. How does this work? I have thought of getting a non molestation but we still need to communicate to arrange half-term, holidays etc. Even though we have a court order these are not mentioned and we have to arrange it ourselves.16 January 2020 at 12:48 pm #35642
S.Lee80 I think sometimes you just have to get the right doctor! Make another appointment, ask for a sympathetic doctor. But also see what you can do for yourself: make time to get out in daylight, exercise, gardening, yoga, write your thoughts down in a journal, meditation/mindfulness- all good things for anxiety/depression/insomnia. And it does help to talk, give me a shout any time you want to chat x16 January 2020 at 6:22 pm #35677
Thank you Karenspangle. That is really nice of you. Well after 3 years of being out of work I went to volunteer today at a primary school. I was previously a teaching assistant and I tried to apply for jobs last summer but kept getting rejected. So volunteering will help me get back into the right direction for me hopefully. I always try to keep myself occupied and I talk to some friends and my sister sometimes. I am even going out tomorrow night for a few drinks, which is a big change coz I am always at home every night on my own. I know life continues to go round but my ex just won’t let go, which is why he keeps pestering me coz it makes him angry knowing that I have moved on. I just wish he would meet someone and then maybe he wouldn’t be so negative and leave me alone. I know he has no friends coz we used to have the same group of friends and I have seen them a few times and they say they don’t see my ex at all and that he has excluded himself from them. Also he works at unsociable hours everyday. So the fact that he sees no one and doesn’t go out just makes it worse coz he is always thinking about the court order, wondering about me etc. I know him very well and I know he will never leave me alone. I have even sent him an email to stop all this fighting and that we have to think about our son but he is being very stubborn and basically told me to do one. So having this anxious feeling of what he will do or say and his hostility will always make me feel on edge. I will have to learn to cope with it, like people learn to cope when the quit smoking or drinking alcohol. I will make another appointment with the gp and let’s hope this time they will be more supportive.17 January 2020 at 12:13 pm #35844
S.Lee80 that is great to hear, think volunteering in something you enjoy will really help on all levels. I hope to do something similar, just need to get through next few months then I can get on with my life (I am left trying to sell family home, will then move over to my family with children when we can). Don’t let him get you down. Remember, at least you don’t live with him anymore. Maybe you can make the arrangements with your children more routine so there’s very little need for him to contact you during the week? Good luck x17 January 2020 at 12:40 pm #35847
S.Lee80 that sounds a horrible situation to be in. I agree with the above, go back to the doctor and keep trying, also get out as much as possible. I’m a hermit when feeling low and while I do sometimes need to just be at home, getting out helps me lift my head out of the fog.
I also agree with going forward with the nonmolestation order, but have no experience of this, so can’t help with any advice on how it would work re arranging contact, hopefully someone else can.
If that doesn’t work and regarding the emails, it’s a shame your family won’t/can’t help. But I can, if you’d like me to. If so, I’d suggest you set up a brand new email address and automatically forward all his emails to that address and delete them from the old one automatically also. Then have me check the new email address, I can filter out the nasty content and ask you how to respond. I send the response and can blind copy you in, so he doesn’t know what’s going on, but you see what I’ve sent. Probably not a forever option, but maybe it’ll help you out in the short term.17 January 2020 at 5:41 pm #35858
Regarding the non-mol and arranging child contact, my ex and I have an arrangement on which days he sees the kids and my eldest son speaks to his dad on the phone every day and so times and details will be arranged via him. Generally, i have been told to go via a third party, ie. a friend or family member, if I need to contact him.18 January 2020 at 10:33 am #35892
It would really help if someone could deal with my emails coz I really don’t like how rude he can be to me and it gets me so down.
I have a separate email account set up already so only he sends me the emails. I also have a separate number that he calls me and I only turn that on before contact and during contact.
Yesterday he was an hour late collecting our son. I sent him a text to ask where he was and after a while he replied he had fallen asleep on the sofa. The arrangement is to collect our son at 4pm at my parents house. He doesnt know where I live and I won’t give him my address, which the court had agreed to this. He lives 20 miles away and it was 4.30pm when he called and started shouting aggressively on the phone so I hung up on him. Then he started texting hostile messages. So I turned my phone off. It is situations like this I can’t deal with. He has a bad temper and gets really angry. I had told him that when he is like this then I won’t speak to him. But he ignores me and becomes even more nasty. He has a very foul mouth and uses abusive languages. I always get anxious about these messages and emails. Also when it comes to arranging half terms and other holidays he demands the days that falls on my time with our son on the weekend, which I have made plans and he won’t be flexible or compromise. He said that I should ask him first before going ahead making plans but why should I if the weekend with our son falls on my time as per the order. Many times I have just said ok to the days he requested and give up my plans but I am sick of him not compromising. My solicitor also noticed this as I have always referred everything back to her. But she said that I should stay firm and that I am not breaching the order, whereas my ex is not being reasonable and is only thinking of himself. This is all so difficult and I don’t want to continue like this anymore.
I still haven’t switch my other mobile on and I am dreading what he have sent me.