My ex husband seem to of alienated my youngest son.
27 February 2019 at 7:49 pm #21633
I am Kelly new to the gingerbread forum and website, I have massive issues that I need advice with as I’m walking blind at the minute not knowing which way to turn. My youngest son is 4 yrs old and has this beef with my older son who is 11, both typical lads, however my 4yr (E) old has decided to take his dads views and blames my other son 11yrs (T) for everything even if he is not around to possibly do anything, I have a feeling that my ex husband has alienated our son against my other son, we used to have terrible arguments about my ex constantly biting about my T always winding E up to the point of E crying with annoyance or frustration, now if I ever saw this I would tell them both to be nice if they can’t be nice to move away from each other ect but never seemed enough for my ex, he would moan at me bring me his issues about what I would consider normal sibling ruffles, however he feels non of it was normal and my parenting was lacking! For example e and t were both play fighting both parties being a bit rough and tumble like boys do and as my husband didn’t like that sort of play and didn’t agree with it I used to stop it by telling them both off, this one particular day my oldest was moaning for my youngest to get off him so I told e to get off and his squeals of delight stopped and he removed himself from t’s back, I couldn’t really see what was happening as they were behind me, so it seems I miss judged and should of told T off my ex informed me. because t pulled E down onto him if I had seen this I would of said something to both of them again as I always do, however my ex didn’t inform me strait away what happened (how he saw I don’t know as he also had his back to them messing about! He went very quite withdrawn and grumpy! Emotionally making me suffer before telling me his issue with the situation, by that time I had gone though every possible thing that he could of gotten upset about, but anyway turns out my parenting was the issue and me so called targeting his son E, (baring in mind my son too) and allowing T to get away with getting E into trouble. I found it petty and stated so when they are both boys as bad as each other in different ways winding each other up! E like so many times before heard his dad complaining about T even when i
would send him out of the room so I could talk to his daddy! Anyway that is an example now me and his dad are separated for good, E continues to come home from seeing dad saying things like T you have to be nice to me, it’s T fault I’m telling my dad ect, poor T doesn’t have to do anything and E throws out the punches and winding up and will play victim when T moves him away from him quietly! My oldest son now feels he can’t be part of the family when E is around because E is horrible to him I mean he is 4 and knows just how to push the victim buttons this boy hasn’t developed this on his own i just can’t believe it. I love both my sons in equal measure yet I feel torn by the need to stick up for T and chastise E for what has become learnt behaviour from his dad! I have brought up 6 kids in total in 26 years and I have never known anything like this! I’m lost and need help.28 February 2019 at 3:10 am #21639
Firstly, what your ex says shouldn’t matter in your home. You can see with your own eyes who is causing the issues.
Do your sons live with you most of the time? I think you should sit them down and make it clear that they need to respect each other’s space. If the younger one is tormenting the elder, you should physically stop him, send him to his room until he backs off.
Adopt a new rule and stick to it. Anyone throwing punches loses privileges for an evening.
just because one is younger than the other, should not mean he is allowed to be a bully, which could develop if not stopped early.
Hard work though. ☹️28 February 2019 at 8:28 am #21644
Thank you for your post kathymumofone, yeah my children both live with me most of the time, visits to their dads every other weekend, it’s gotten to a stage now where my (t) doesn’t bother E at all now because he just doesn’t come down when Eli is at home, there is a clear decide, E even threatened me with telling his dad because I stuck up for T, you see T was at school all day and E broke his tablet in temper because I wouldn’t give him a chocolate bar before dinner. When I asked who broke it he told me T did, I mean seriously, to some this seems like funny child banter mischief but when you see the pattern it’s quite worrying! I will try sitting them both down this evening and saying what you surgest as well as some other issues that need surgesting, it’s finding the strength mentality when your in a bit of a lonely and sad situation if you know what I mean l, as for my ex having no right to an opinion hah don’t worry I told him when he walked out on us he lost his right to tell me what he sees that I do right or wrong, and that I have been doing it on my own for the whole time we have been split and to thinknhe can come and critique my efforts when I have a disability and chronic anxiety with no support system! I think he has realised he no longer can control me or the family unit! End of! Easy for them when they can walk away and leave the problems behind. Sorry for rambling on don’t get to talk much with no friends lol. Again thanks for your post I will post about how the chat goes this eve.
Kelly28 February 2019 at 8:29 am #21645
Sorry about the spelling mistakes …. clear decide should say clear devide! 😀28 February 2019 at 9:14 am #21646
My experience is not exactly the same but here goes. My ex wife and I separated after her cheating and lying. She also drank and got violent. Anyway, this doesn’t seem to have affected the children too much as they don’t seem to remember it much thankfully.
Anyway. 2 months after she got together with this bloke and has been seeing him since. In that first year him/her went on holiday together twice and she did not take the children away once. She kept on at them to meet him but they didn’t want to, especially the eldest who is now 12 and was 10 then.
After my pointing out she was being very selfish, she decided to take them away for a few days in a hotel. What she did it for though was to make the kids meet him by tricking them into it.
He stayed at the hotel with them and has been there nearly 24/7 ever since. This did really not agree with my eldest and she would not calm it all down for him. Her bloke even came at me a couple of times, which the children saw. Anyway. The point is, my eldest now lives with me full time and my youngest I have half the week. I have tried to help their relationship for his sake but he doesn’t want to be around her and I am not going to push him.
She now tries to make it look like I am awkward and negative with my youngest so as to cause trouble between us all. However, he and I are very tight and that won’t work.
Ex’s can be malicious eh28 February 2019 at 9:32 am #21648
Thanks for your post mozza.
Yeah exes can be very cruel male or female! However it sounds like your doing a good job with your children and the situation so well done there hun, it blows my mind when exes think children over the age of 7-8 are stupid that’s when all my children started to have opinions on situations and I have brought them all up to speak freely about what they feel, my ex is very sly and good at gentle manipulation through hidden double meanings, or speaking about his beliefs then adding a bit on that makes him sound like he accepts others are not the same as him and will believe differently! I really do not want my kids hating each other to me there is no half brothers it’s brothers in this house. My son believes that as he is the youngest he should always be right! I’m not sure if I am making any sense right now! but my point is, no matter the manipulation from the exes children grow and formulate their own opinions eventually but as parents we can teach them the right road or the wrong road, my ex buys our youngest sons affection (he says he doesn’t but no kid needs the amount of toys and stuff he buys him ) I call them Disney land dads, or mums of course. They have no ground rules no boundaries they are the fun parent to be around. All I can offer is love and security and I hope that prevails in the end! In your case let your exe get on with it your children will not suffer because dad seems to put them first. 😉