My ex accuses me of being abusive when he is the perpetrator. Help!

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  • #39995 Report

    Rosy Cheeks

    Me and my ex split up 2 years ago and have a 5 and a 7 year old. He was abusive (emotionally) throughout the relationship but I just put u with it. eventually I broke up with him but since then it has been even worse.

    Both the kids live with me. He does have regular contact. However to cut an extremely long story short I have completed a C100 form which details the abuse to me, and 5he risk it poses to the kids.

    He accuses me of being the abuser which I can promise is not the case.  In fact he accuses me of anything and everything. Always has done. He is aggressive towards me and unable to control his emotions if he’s angry. It is scary but my concern is when it happens  in front of the kids.
    How does it all work from here?

    I desperately want a contact order so he can see them without us having to liaise.

    I cant take any more of his behaviour.

    I am quite sure he will bring up these false allegations. He is manipulative and believes his own rubbish, and makes everyone else he is with believe him too.  I was struggling 2 years ago and am on anti depressants but since then I have got strong again and am no longer an anxious wreck!

    I am so stressed that I will have to defend myself for something I can’t prove I didn’t do. So worried.

    I have submitted the C100 and now I’m totally stressing out about it all. I’m not using a solicitor as I don’t qualify for legal aid. I feel so intimidated by him and just can’t bear anymore of it.

    I have a DV support worker who is great.

    How quickly will it all happen? I have asked for urgent hearing.

    Will I need a solicitor? I know everything I am saying it the absolute truth. But he is sly and a massive bulky. People warm to him.
    I just want a calm life for me and the kids. He is like a bull in a china shop. Emotionally crazy.

    So anxious now that I have opened up a can of worms. But I can’t carry on like this.

    Does anyone have any experience of this?

    thanks xx

    #40001 Report


    Please do get in touch with womens aid and tell them what you have told us. They can talk you through all of this and offer a lot of expertise on this matter. They have a live chat that runs for a few hours each day or you can phone their helpline or send them an email. They deal with cases like this all of the time. You may also be able to find a solicitor who will represent you pro bono if you havent tried that already. Again they will be of massive help. Speak to your doctor and ask them for a letter talking about your mental health and the medications you are on, if you’ve ever metioned his behaviour to them as a reason behind your mental health its important they put this in the letter. You may have to pay a small fee for the letter. Go through your phone and look for any conversations with him or messages that could back up what you are saying and print off screen shots of them and put them in a folder to have as evidence if you need it. If you have spoken to your childrens teachers about his behaviour or the teachers have noticed changes in your childrens behaviour that could be linked to the abuse you could ask them to prepare a letter or report stating this.

    Emotional abuse cases are a little more difficult than physical abuse because its harder to prove but not at all impossible and like I said there is support available to get you through. What I would say is look up these items as they may help you:

    Narcissistic abuse
    Cycle of abuse
    Traumatic bonding
    Concrete wall
    Projecting Insecurity
    Distorting Reality
    Narcissistic Rage
    Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome<!–/data/user/0/–>

    I hope this helps. But please get in touch with womens aid. They were my rock when I was going through abuse. Stay safe

    #40097 Report


    I have the same. Mine decided to say I’m controlling, whilst attempting to keep cutting off my relationship with my children and support network. The kids live with me too. Do you get made to feel anxious by his behaviour ? The allegations of me being controlling are to make me do the opposite with the kids, creating more problems and stopping me from sorting out the ones he creates.

    #48160 Report

    Rosy Cheeks


    So, we had a remote court hearing and it was OK.  Temporary CAO in place with pretty much what I suggested/wanted. But in the CAFCASS safeguarding letter it transpires he is making claims that I am the perpetrator and hi the victim.  I mean I knew this but to see it in writing like someone has actually believed him makes my skin crawl and makes me terrified what he is capable of.  He has said that I leave the kids unattended and am not responsible. This is not true.  In fact the children told me he leaves them alone! I asked him, he denied of course. But I never brought it up to CAFCAS… I should have done. He relentlessly accuses me of things.  All the time.  When the judge asked, I said I didn’t think we need a section 7 report, ex disagreed. I have no idea what he thinks he will gain?  I feel so let down by him, and so sad that he is the father of my children.  Have you had any experience of the section 7 bit?


    #48162 Report



    I was in court for 5 years but mine was a very complicated case to the extent the father was deemed as a danger to myself and my child and the final result was to not recommend any contact directly or indirectly with her father.  The judge can base it on grounds of probability in a fact finding case, also you may have messages which can provide an insight from his behaviour, aswell as what the children have seen independently,  which they would tell to the worker without any influence. Is he on the birth certificate? If not you can stop contact due to the abuse and let him file a court order to see his children in court and take on legal proceedings.  This would almost certainly go in to a fact finding hearing. Cafcass would also get involved but would work on behalf of the children meeting them and working with them as they could be the voice of the children.  They would also talk to you.  Its very important to be neutral and not be negative about him in front of the children or the caffcass worker etc. To prove in court that even an abuser cant see there kid is not the case they would probably put him on a course for dv.  As a judge once said to me in court ,when challenging my ex even murderes get access to see their kids.  You need to record and date all the incidents and in as much detail as possible.

    #48164 Report



    They leave us with the kids,the bills,the mortgage and the roof that needs fixing….then they say We are ‘controlling’! Daft bats,Someone has to be in control and man up so the kids have some kind of stability.Judging by the number of ppl who waltz off into the sunset conveniently abandoning their kids & partnerships, it’s entertaining when they accuse the one left behind of being ‘controlling’.A little bit more SELF control on their part would have prevented this whole mess to start with.

    I say if you  left me to be the boss,I make the rules.

    #48167 Report


    Rosy, if you do a section 7 only, then that is much easier than fact finding. if you have both then court process drags on for months longer. it’s normal to be accused of being abusive, controlling/coercive behaviour. buzz words. too many lies are told in family court. good thing is most of the nonsense is ignored by a good cafcass officer. for section 7, cafcass will interview, so you will have chance to explain your side and respond to ex’ allegations. have to remain calm and child-focused. mud slinging doesn’t help.

    #48168 Report


    Suppose every case is different . I had to do both

    #48169 Report


    Rosy Cheeks,

    Be proud of yourself for finally standing up to him, well done you!  Narcissists can’t stand losing control and what he is going through is narcissistic rage (reacting). I second Gummibear, so well put. You already have a DV worker which is great and I’m sure you will come out of this a winner.  Don’t give him what he wants – he wants you to feel anxious and out of control because for so long he was he one controlling you!

    Stay strong, Stay Safe



    #48270 Report

    Rosy Cheeks

    Bunnyhop, I looked up all those terms and was nearly sick it was too familiar…. wow.


    I am not too sure about my cafcass officer…. she was very understanding in the safeguarding interview but was almost too much on my side, pre-empting what I was going to say and basically agreeing that he is an idiot.  I felt like she was not massively listening but just lumping him into a category and not really listening individually?  She lulled me into a sense of security before she had even spoken to him. I just felt like she should have been more neutral rather than agreeing almost in a “yup, I know because I’ve been there” way.  I don’t know.  Maybe I am over thinking.  My anxiety levels are through the roof, I feel like I have to be this perfect Mum who can’t put a foot wrong.


    I wish I knew what was going to happen next, feeling overwhelmed by it all, and so scared that I can’t prove I didn’t do something I didn’t do.


    I have a file of nasty messages from him and I am speaking to my women’s aid support worker tomorrow.  I just feel like I can’t admit to anyone that I am really really struggling.


    Thanks, this is really helping. Stay safe all x x


    #48274 Report


    hi, yes it is really difficult. I would recommend you look up a life and relationship coach on youtube. stephanie lynn is great. covers lot of topics on dealing with toxic/narcissistic ex’. It is important to never react, but respond in calm manner. don’t feel that you have to respond to every message he sends.

    #48278 Report


    It sounds like this will end up being a contested final hearing. Family courts wont take any notice of your ex mud slinging .They will more than likely dismiss accusations from both sides and put it down to theres hostility from both of you towards each other. They would of given you a temporary CAO until next hearing with exactly what u wanted as generally a lot of dads end up with no contact if none is offered by other side. Its good that you will end up with a child arrangements order at end of it all . It maybe down to how much contact can be agreed and using school as a handover place and a public place ie shop when school is closed to reduce conflict. You could both do a separated parenting programme which is around 4 hours long although dont know if they are taking place due to covid. You could in mean time also not speak to your ex in person or on phone and keep all communication by email/whatsapp which will reduce conflict. Your children are of age now where they will start to notice a little bit that their parents arent getting on.

    Dont worry too much about a s7 report. You are already offering contact and all should run smoothly. The s7 report should recommend how much contact dad should have with children .

    Have you thought about how much contact you are going to offer your childrens dad?

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