My 8 Year Old Wants to Live With Her Dad

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  • #40624 Report

    Am
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    I’ve been broken up from my daughters dad for 5 years, he was emotionally and financially abusive. He would dump me and then make me beg for him back, until eventually I built up the courage not to take him back, I didn’t realise how badly he had been controlling me for 10 years until after. We agreed on 50% of our daughters time between two homes. It’s been hard and he still shouts at me, today being the worst day.
    Today my daughter and her dad told me that she doesn’t want to live with me.
    She’s says it more fun there and that she once she asked me to play with her and I was busy. I said to her, that I’ve asked her lots of times and she doesn’t want to play with me. She said she’s certain she doesn’t want to live with me.
    Her dad had texted a week ago to ask where her doctors was (she’s 8 how does he not know), he’s only been to one sports day, he has been to one Christmas play, he hadn’t been to a school open session, he refuses to go to a parents evening with me, he doesn’t cut her nails, he doesn’t teach her table manners, he doesn’t eat with her, he feeds her junk food, he doesn’t take her out every day, he acts like her slave and doesn’t encourage her to be independence, he makes her anxious at parties, he tells her adult information e.g he scared her about the corona virus, he feeds her negativity, he’s never taken her to the dentist. It’s hardly 50/50, he plays fun weekend dad when he has her half the time, he makes it so much harder for me, I feel like I am constantly trying to put out the fires he started and now I’m left feeling heart broken because my lovely child hates me and would prefer to be with that nasty lying, mind-game playing sociopath!

    Please can anyone offer any help or advise, do I agree and live my life in misery for her to be happy and hope he doesn’t do to her what he did to me? I miss her when she’s gone for 5 days  and after 5 years it hasn’t got any easier

    #40625 Report

    Lorraine123
    Participant

    Hi. This must be heartbreaking for you but please don’t take it personally. I’m sure most children have said they’d rather live somewhere else at some point, mine have said they’re leaving home before. The grass is always greener on the other side and at the age of 8 it’s hard to see the full picture, if she was hurt who would she come running to? My guess is that it would be you.

    It sounds like you’ve had a difficult relationship with your ex but would it be possible to arrange a chat with him without your daughter there to discuss this and tell him your concerns? Or could you get a family member or friend to talk to him?

    Chances are if she did live with him she’d soon see that it isnt quite how she thought it would be and want to come back to you. I’m sorry I don’t really have any answers for you but just wanted to say you sound like a great mum and I hope you can work things out.

    #40628 Report

    Am
    Participant

    Hi Lorraine

    Thank you for you kind words. I hope you are right, she’s never been a person to say something out of spite though. He has spoiled her so much and does everything, we have such different households. He has a partner and is well off, it’s no wonder she’s rather live there.
    We do need to talk and would probably have to try mediation.

    Thank you for listening.

    #40632 Report

    kay24uk
    Participant

    I feel your pain I’m in same position I don’t know what to do x

     

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