My 6 year old may be meeting his father for the first time soon. Advice please

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum My 6 year old may be meeting his father for the first time soon. Advice please

This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Kathymumofone 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #29460 Report

    Onestepatatime
    Participant

    Hi all,

     

    This is my first post here and I’m not sure how it all works so, my apologies for anything being wrong etc.

    As the title says I’m lookingfor advice on my 6 year old meeting his father for the first time.

     

    Short back story:

     

    His father was emotionally and sexually  abusive towards me at the time when I was pregnant and our son was born, he cheated on me several times and this all led to our relationship ending before I had our son. He was there at the birth and we were on ok terms, he saw our son regularly for 2 months. Then stopped all contact.

    Over the years I have contacted him multiple times to try and arrange a meeting and see if he wants contact, he’s never been interested up until a year or so ago when we did arrange a meet but it didnt work out and we never met.

    My son has been asking a lot of questions about his dad over the last 6 month’s and I have done my best to answer these as honestly and age appropriately as I can. He is asking to see him and doesn’t understand why we don’t see him despite me telling him. I know he doesn’t fully understand what a father is or what it will mean to have him in our lives (however this may or may not happen) but I feel that I owe it to him to have one last try to get in contact with his dad.

    I have sent him a message asking him if he would like to have contact and explaining that our son has asked about him and has been wanting to see pictures.

    He has replied saying he is happy to move forward with a plan to meet but is asking me to make all of the moves.

     

    I’m wondering how to proceed now, my hope is for his dad and i to meet alone as we are basically strangers and discuss together the type of contact and relationship that could happen.

    Does that seem like a good plan? Has anyone been in this situation before? How have things gone further down the line?

     

    Any help would be much appreciated and Thank you for reading x

    #29463 Report

    red23
    Participant

    It’s a brave decision to invite an abusive person back into you and your child’s life.

    Do you have documentary/ professional evidence of the abuse? If not, it might be worth collating now and speaking to a professional about now, prior to inviting him back into you and your child’s lives. Maybe you could talk it through with Women’s Aid?

    I think it is odd that you want to meet alone with someone you described as an abuser. Would you not be better off with chaperones?

    Read this website and take it in before pursuing the parental relationship further:

    https://www.mothersuniteuk.co.uk/

    #29470 Report

    Onestepatatime
    Participant

    Thankyou for your reply.

     

    Alone as in without my son, I have planned that I will have a friend come to the meet with me of it were to take place.

    I have made this decision over time taking on all the information and thinking it through. It’s not something I have taken lightly

     

    My question was about how to proceed not whether I should.

    #29477 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    I guess you need to get some basics in place. Where, when, for how long.

    Maybe suggest your ex and your son meet somewhere there is an activity they can do together to break the ice, while you and a friend have a coffee nearby.

    Skating or trampolining? Something your son is familiar with? But I wouldn’t tell your son in advance, because if your ex doesn’t show up, then he won’t be disappointed.

    Have a second meeting already planned so if it all goes well, and your son immediately says he wants to see his dad again, you already have something you are comfortable with, in mind.

    Given the past, I think you’re being very brave.

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