Moving on from an ex

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #57762 Report

    Gazza26
    Participant

    Hi

    I am struggling to accept the end of a relationship and moving on as i still love my ex. How do people get over this?

    Thanks

    #57842 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    I think it depends on the situation. I suffered narcissistic psycho abuse at the end, so was easier for me to drop the person like a bad habit.

    #57854 Report

    Justin B
    Participant

    Hi Gareth,

    I’m in the same boat mate, think the best way is to take every day as it comes and take time out for yourself try not to think on things to much, occupy your time with other things, I know it’s the advice everyone gives and I find it very hard at times but it can’t be this hard forever surely.

    #57856 Report

    Gazza26
    Participant

    Thanks, im trying but it is so difficult. The kids keep asking about whether things will work out and whether we will get back together. It’s just so difficult to know what to say

    #57857 Report

    Justin B
    Participant

    Don’t tell them what you hope will happen tell them you just don’t know! because you don’t know, My kids are older so this has never been an issue and boys don’t tend to ask or maybe it’s just my kids?? I feel your pain I really do, all you can do is to be the best Dad you can be in my eyes that’s the only thing you have control over.

    #57858 Report

    Gazza26
    Participant

    At what point do you give up hope that things may work out with an ex and just move on?

    im finding it so difficult to let my ex go

    #57859 Report

    Justin B
    Participant

    Unfortunately I think it’s different for everyone and only you will know when enough is enough! I’m no expert and feeling the same even though I know my wife left me for someone else and is planning to bringing me to my knees with the house, pension maintenance and savings I still have feelings for her, I do wish I was the kind of person that could hate but I’m just not wired that way.

    #57860 Report

    Gazza26
    Participant

    Sorry to hear that buddy. I feel the same in that I want to hate but can’t. And then I feel weak for not being able to stand up for myself.

    we will get through this

    #57861 Report

    Justin B
    Participant

    Cheers mate

    We will come through this stronger, don’t feel weak I’m sure out there somewhere some one would give anything for a partner with such devotion.

    #57868 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hi Gareth,

    no reason to feel bad about yourself because you still love the person that just walked out on you. Love doesn’t have a switch to turn off. This is just a sign of being a healthy human being. You can allow yourself to be vulnerable and even love a person that doesn’t seem to love you back. As long as you acknowledge the facts and keep your expectations in line with reality, it hurts, but will do no further harm. If she doesn’t want to continue the relationship, you have to take it for face value at the moment. You have been hit emotionally and it hurts. Go about it like you would with every other injury. If it is severe, seek help from family and friends. Be kind to yourself and investigate into your own behaviour, what brought you there, why did you put yourself in this position and how can you prevent it from happening again. It is not about who is at fault. It is about risk assessment. Treat it like an accident on a building site. You would look into what happened and how to prevent it from happening again as well. Regardless of liability. You are grieving as well, so give room and time for this. There is common ground with your children. They are grieving as well. Show them, you understand and give them space to talk about their feelings and listen. You, as a family, have lost the ground you were standing on. It needs time to build a new fundament. You have to acknowledge that with them and your ex to give them a perspective on how the future might look like for them. Family doesn’t stop because someone walks out if you have children. So you have to work on this.

    As for how long it takes. Nobody knows. For me, the worst was over after about three years. The kids are still suffering, but on a much lesser scale. We didn’t manage to build something as good as what they had, so they still miss out. It might have been horrible for us parents, but wasn’t obviously as bad for them. But things move on. Try to be as reliable as you can be. Be a rock in their shifting life. They will appreciate.

    Do things mend? Nobody knows. Latest gossip about brad pit shows nothing seems to be impossible. Would I bank on it? Probably not. But that is just me. Take your life into your own hands. You will most likely grow on this, change a lot and for the better if you so desire. And one day, maybe, just like me, think: Thank you, fate, for giving me a way out of this hell.

    It will pass. Good luck and don’t stop working on yourself. You have a great responsibility.

    #57872 Report

    Gazza26
    Participant

    thank you for replying.

    im up and down all the time. One moment I seem to have things under control, and the next moment I’m an emotional wreck.

    im about to move out into my own place which I’m dreading in some respects as I’m worried I will be alone forever.
    I’m not coping well with change or accepting that we will never get back together.

    I brought up divorce earlier today and she said it was inevitable so I guess this is just the next thing I have to deal with.

    do things get better after a divorce?

    #57876 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    No need to be in control. Just go with the flow. Get things done when you are up and pity yourself when you are down. I took it by the hour the first few months. Lost about 20 KG ( There is something good in everything ), didn’t sleep much, so had more time to work. You don’t need to be a Hero. It is OK to be a wreck. I moved in with my best friend for a few weeks. That helped a lot. Maybe you have a sibling who can help. The moment I stood in my new home, all empty, builders still in. I knew things will improve. So be patient with yourself. Without a glass bowl at hand, you will never know what the future brings. Chances are good, you will be OK. I took a twelve-hour free therapy at minds matter. The waiting list is long, so see your GP asp. That helped after the worst was over to keep the ship on course. Also, there is this booklet for parents separating from gov.uk. You have a lot of lists in there, what to do and what better to avoid. Get the kids and money sorted out asp. There is always a market for a good guy. Don’t worry too much about the next, when you are still suffering at the hands of the current one. Be careful what you ask for. I almost fell into the same trap again. That is, why it is so important to look into why it came to where you are. Learn from your mistakes. You might think I am an idiot, but this is a great chance for you. You lost all your restraints, you have a clean slate. Improve the man you are. Do it for yourself and the children. Take the boulder and roll it up the hill. The divorce acknowledges the facts. For some this is very helpfull.

    #57877 Report

    Justin B
    Participant

    Hi Sirtobi

    Some good heartfelt advice, thanks mate.

    #57878 Report

    Gazza26
    Participant

    Did you ever feel suicidal? I know it sounds dramatic but there are times when I become overwhelmed with things that I just don’t want to exist anymore.

    I would never do anything as it would impact the children, but it feels like it’s the only way to end the pain

    #57879 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hi Gareth,

    I am sorry to disappoint. This is not the place to talk about the topic of suicide. Neither can I properly assess your situation, nor am I in a position to take responsibility or appropriate action if I deemed it necessary to do so. My advice is either to talk to the Samaritans or just walk straight into your nearest A&E. And do it now. That is all I can say about that.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)

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