Mothers disinterest

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    Hi, I have 3 boys 4,6&8. Their mother and I split nearly 4 years ago and divorced earlier this year.

    The separation was a big surprise to me. I came home from work one day to find my wife and 3 children had gone.

    After some phone call to family, my ex’s mother told me that my family had been removed by Social Services.

    I rang SS and they confirmed this and ‘reassured’ me that they were safe.

    It later came to light that my ex had fabricated an elaborate story of just about every kind of abuse you could imagine and claimed that I was violent towards the children.

    Following their lengthy investigations SS were unable to find any evidence of abuse of any sort and I was allowed access to my children again.

    The relationship between their mother and I has been fraught ever since and we now communicate solely via a communication book. This, while difficult, is the safest way for me to remain infallible and safe from further accusation.

    Nearly 4 years on and the children are all growing up well but their mother seems to be indifferent at best when it comes to being a mother.

    She never does homework with them, they never do anything as a family with her fiancé, during school holidays the boys go to her mothers in Cornwall when they are not with me.

    Recently 2 of the boys needed dental work following complaining about pain. I made the first appointment I could with a our dentist which fell on a day that they were with their mum. She changed the appointment to a day when they were with me which happened to be nearly 2 weeks after the boys complained of the pain. Is this neglect?  It turned out that one of them needed a tooth removed as it was so rotten and the other needed gum cutting away where it had grown into a cavity then a filling to fill the cavity. The mother is less than consistent when it comes to oral hygiene for the children.

    I am basically looking for some advice as to whether I might have a case for taking the boys on full time and their mother having access every other weekend. I am prepared to be flexible if she wants them extra for holidays etc. All suggestions of this to her have been dismissed. Seemingly without consideration.

    Thanks for reading.

    #17422 Report


    Thank you Anonymous,

    I already do the vast majority of the boys homework with them. It’s normally set during the week to be in a week later but I quite often find myself helping them to catch up with last weeks as well as doing the current weeks tasks. The school are a bit non-committal, frustratingly! I do attend parents consultations and they are generally positive but that is not down to the efforts of their mother.

    I’m well aware that not going out lots is not a reason to change residency. Spending minimal time with the children and marrying a man who is not part of their lives despite living in the same house may well be. I genuinely believe that a care issue is what we are talking about. The mother’s duty of care to her children is not being fulfilled!

    Holidaying with family is one thing. being picked up from school at the start of the summer holidays by grandmother, taken to her house in Cornwall for a week then delivered to dad for a week and then being collected by grandmother to go back to Cornwall, not seeing mother and repeating for the entire holiday period is another thing entirely. It smacks of a lack of willingness to prioritise what is best for the children. No meaningful time is spent with mother or son-to-be stepfather.

    I didn’t go to an emergency dentist at the recommendation of the dentist. They recommended pain killers for a couple of days until the next available appointment. In the end I had to make it an emergency because I did not want them to be in pain for 2 weeks until the appointment their mother had made.

    I have suggested the change in arrangements on several occasions via a communication book so it is in black and white. Each time it has been dismissed without any form of response to my suggestions or reason for dismissal.

    I have tried mediation before. It was necessary in order to go to court to get the child arrangement we have now. If we hadn’t, I honestly believe that I would have the children full time now as I had them considerably more than their mum before the court arrangement. Social services recommended that the children spend more time with their mum than me but I had to argue that and in the end we came to a 50;50 arrangement.

    I’m fairly sure that I will be able to show that the children’s lives will be vastly improved by changing the residency to me in the majority.

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