Missing my ex even though I don't want him back

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  • #25939 Report


    I left my abusive husband 3 months ago and have settled into a new home with my 2 children.

    Although I do not want him back due to the all the bad things he has said and done, I have found myself reminisicing about the good times we had.

    I think I would find moving on easier if we had no contact, but I see him a couple of times a week when he picks up or drops off the children.

    Has anyone else been through anything similar?

    #25941 Report


    Hey Carrieb1

    Your probably find it’s not actually him your missing just being a part of a couple and all the things that brings with it.

    I found writing a list of all the things that were wrong with the relationship and then a list of all the things I missed, that should help pinpoint what you actually miss and then it’s about trying to get those needs met from friends and family, plus remind you about all the negatives.

    This forum is mega supportive so post on here when your having a wobble and we will get you through.

    #25950 Report


    Hi C

    Im a lone parent of 3.

    Their mother walked out on us🤬

    She has got herself a younger model😂 however I do miss her after all we were together for 23 years

    I believe it’s a lot to do with the change to the routine we were used too .She doesn’t live that far away and that makes things harder for me and the kids.

    But the feeling we have for our ex partners do diminish over time

    Remember memories do last a life time



    #25963 Report


    Hi Carrie,

    from a psychological point of view when we break up with someone there are a few hurdles to cross, firstly it’s not having that other presence around, it’s not actually the person it’s not having a person, secondly the change in routine can be drastic which just adds to the stress. Lastly people are built to forget the pain, not what caused the pain which stays with us but the debilitating hurt, after all what would life be like if we felt all the hurt and pain that we have ever felt all of the time? The trouble with this is that when we look back on a previous relationship we tend to focus on the good rather than the past and while we can remember what the other person did the acute pain that was felt at the time rapidly diminishes. The good thing about all of this is that we can and do recover, feelings get left behind so that at some point apart from the occasional hiccup we end up feeling very little.


    #25974 Report


    I went through this with my kids dad.

    What made it worse was that we was in the family courts for our daughters and i discovered i was pregnant with our son.

    I just needed him.

    Its wierd, isn’t it. You know in your heart and mind that theres no way the relationship wil work. Whatever is causing the ‘problems’ is never gonna change. But then theres your soul. That longing ache for all the times you smiled and laughed together.

    I last saw my childrens father in 2011 and i can say that us going seperate ways has done me the world of good. Clearing up finances, having space from the ‘issues’, and rediscovering self worth have been invaluable events.

    #25998 Report


    Thanks all. I think you are right – I miss having someone there.

    Lianne – you hit the nail on the head “You know in your heart and mind that theres no way the relationship wil work. Whatever is causing the ‘problems’ is never gonna change. But then theres your soul. That longing ache for all the times you smiled and laughed together.”

    I have been coping so well since I had to leave. I’ve felt relieved and been a lot calmer, but recently I can’t stop thinking about the good times and I’m sad we won’t have any more. I guess I’m just grieving – the end of the marriage, the future I thought we’d have, the person he was for the first 5 years of our relationship (we were together 11 years) etc.

    I’ve discovered today that he is already seeing someone else (he doesn’t know I know) and I am heartbroken that he has moved on so quickly.  So I now really need to focus on the reasons I left so I came move on (although I am not in any hurry to find a new man)

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by CarrieB1. Reason: Formatting
    #26003 Report


    I miss my ex, I had known her for 15 years, been a couple for 9, lived together for 5, we have two boys aged 2 and 4, now im in shared accommodation, shes met someone new, only known him 5\6 weeks kids already met him, now he spends more time with my kids then I spend over the week, moved down to kent to be with her as was long distance to start, so have no friends or family down here for support, I still love and miss my EX and I miss my kids sooooo much, life couldn’t get much harder for me right now no social life, no one to vent to, feeling very isolated and alone

    #26135 Report


    Sorry to hear that lonelydad. That must be tough. How did you find out she was with someone else?

    My ex hasn’t told me yet, but I have found a few clues and think he is seeing another mum from my daughters school. And today she saw this woman and said that she knows her “daddy was talking to her the other day when they went out!” I’m really struggling to know he has moved on so quickly, especially with someone who I see most days – that is happy to say hi to me whilst she is sleeping with my husband. Even though I don’t want to be with him anymore. It’s all so confusing and painful.


    #45122 Report


    I totally understand all of the above. I am currently mid divorce and living the exact same nightmare at the moment too myself. Its awful. My feelings are all over the place, even though I know it would never ever work and he was abusive to me, I still think of the good times. Please feel free to message me and chat xxx

    #45128 Report


    Hey, Just remember that in an abusive relationship the good times you are reminiscing about are not real, they are times that he will have been trying to sway you back to believe that maybe you got it wrong, maybe you did something to cause him to do or say the things he did during his last outburst etc. If you really think about it almost every good thing you think you remember will be preceeded or followed by an abusive outburst. They do this to mess with your head until you think that this is normal.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by StaceyJ84.
    #45130 Report


    I know the feeling my now ex again is so bad he says what he likes and does what he likes but minute i do something he blasts me

    Im rly too mature for him he is older but he lies everyday and i see through it. I wasted over a year and put up with his horrible ways. He likes to control but doesnt like anyone standing upto him and he gives me hell

    He hates me saying stuff but he does and is ok. Goodness I’ve got more important things to do

    #45140 Report


    I think for me personally the first year was hard. Yes i was glad my ex husband wasn’t there with abusive side of things and the ground hog life living we with his alcohol addiction. But I missed the man I meet and fell in love with and had 4 great children with . It is like a bereavement which you have to go through I not only lost my husband but also the dreams I had in the future.

    Now my wounds are scars but the best healing I’ve had is through my friends at church and relationship with God. God has not just put the pieces back together but like a kintsukuroi bowl He has made something much more beautiful.

    I know you will get through this.


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