Mid week visitation
25 September 2018 at 1:19 pm #16096
Hi! Need some advise please! My husband and I separated back in March, we have been together 15 years, married for nearly 6 years. I was hoping for some marriage counselling, some time to talk over our problems and a chance to reconcile (even after finding out he was texting and messaging a woman at work) he did not want to give it a go and has now asked for a divorce. We had our up’s and downs in the marriage and it was pretty much a 50/50 split between us getting on and not. Ultimately our relationship may not have been savable – but I would like to have tried to give it one last shot but its now over by his choice.
We have two children aged 13 and 9 who live in the family home in Kent with myself. We are yet to sort out finances etc and have just started Mediation. He is renting a place in a very affluent area on the other side of London and has decided this is where he wants to buy a home. At the moment we have no set agreement in visitation as while we both still own the house and he pays the mortgage I don’t want to rock the boat until everything is sorted financially. However, I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with his visits, the days change most weeks, one week he comes two night, the next three nights, we have alternate weekends with the children, he initially wanted 3 weekends a month which I opposed. The problem is, he is only seeing them for and hour and half, not getting here until 7pm/7.30pm and then going anytime between 8pm/9pm. I either go out or sit in my room as I am struggling to deal with the divorce and do not really want to be in his company. He face-times them or calls them pretty much most days and I don’t think the children can get into a proper routine or get used to the fact we are no longer together and he no longer lives with us. I wouldn’t ever stop him seeing the kids but how am I ever going to get into a routine and organise my life like this.
I did suggest he leaves work earlier one or two nights a week, collects the children and take them out or too a relatives. If he lived closer he could even have them overnight in the week too but he rejected this idea saying he cant leave work earlier and is adamant he wants to live in London and carry on a he has been. So this is where the problem begins. If we sell the house and I buy somewhere does he expect to see the kids in my home? Looking ahead if I start a new relationship, how is that ever going to work out? If I manage to keep the house, he will still expect to come in to see the children. I feel like he is checking up on me and I can’t plan ahead and I feel out of control of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to suggest that he cant have his cake and eat it? I’m trying to be as flexible as possible for the kids sake, we haven’t even discussed Christmas and New Year yet…… which I am dreading!!! What would you do??26 September 2018 at 3:06 pm #16149
Hi thanks for your reply, we have a sort of calendar that we have made on an excel sheet which shows the days he wishes to see the children however this week he has not stick to any of those days, he has had to go abroad tues/weds this week for business which is not unusual but didn’t inform me of this until Sunday evening. He said he didn’t know until Friday afternoon for definite and then tried to dictate to me what days he wants to come over. I said no to Monday as he had them all weekend from Fri evening, the children had homework to do and we don’t get home until nearly 5.30pm anyway. He wants to come tomorrow, which I said he needs to collect and take them out, it’s our wedding anniversary and either he forgot or didn’t realise the date otherwise he would have thought twice about coming. Tomorrow is going to be tough without having to see him. 🙁26 September 2018 at 9:46 pm #16158
It’s so hard isn’t it? You are dealing with your feelings whilst trying to think of what’s best for the kids too. I have no real advice here except you are not on your own and it does get easier as you will come to terms with your own feelings more and special dates etc. Hurt a little less.
Everyone tells me get a routine sorted but I too have/do struggle t26 September 2018 at 9:57 pm #16159
Sorry must have posted too quick…
Yes I have difficulty with ex and establishing a routine. Best advice I have had so far is keep calm, don’t respond to texts/requests too quick so you have time to think and think would kids want to see him. Also, I suggest trying to stick to your guns regarding if you want kids to get settled by 7ish on school nights then that’s what has to happen but maybe try to be flexible on weekends/non school nights.
Or when he comes to house can you go out and get him to do bedtime routine but restrict which nights?
Another thing is say the available nights (If you feel you want to) and then if he asks for other nights say you already have plans (ideally do something, visit friend, walk out somewhere, whatever).
I have every sympathy for you but it can get better as you get more use to the situation and hopefully it won’t effect you as much.27 September 2018 at 1:19 pm #16212
Thank you JJ8989
He has just come back to me with an ‘adjusted’ calendar again! I get things have to change because of work commitments etc and I have been flexible but I’m still not happy about him coming into the home. We are both still on the deeds and the mortgage comes out of the joint account which his wages go into so covers that and the bills, my wages go into my account and I cover some bills and outgoings and the shopping etc. so I’m worried he will use that against me with regards to visitation.
My mum suggested that he maybe wants to come to the house so he can see whats going on in there, who’s there, and what i’m up to. I think maybe she is right, but also it makes his life easier so he doesn’t have to take them out anywhere. He is getting the best of all worlds, he thinks he can come and go as he pleases, go home to his own place not having and responsibilities or to worry about getting up with us in the mornings or having to deal with me and the house etc. But on the flip side I do understand that he is probably feeling quite guilty about leaving them. This is why I cant understand why he has chosen to live so far away?? I just don’t get it?!
I have gone back to him anyway via email with my suggestions and that we can discuss it at Mediation next week.15 October 2019 at 10:08 pm #31688
- I’m in a similar situation, 6 months ago he walked out on me and his 2 kids aged 3 and 6, now 4 and 7. At first he said he wanted to see them every night! Why leave then?!! Then we agreed one eve during the week and once at wkend, tried to specify set days but he keeps changing and cancelling on the day. I’m not happy about him taking kids out on his own as he has addiction problems which is one huge elephant in the room. If I even hint about it he verbally abused me. Wish he would disappear out of my life but want the kids to see him so I guess I just have to suck it up?