Mediation help

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  • #55738 Report


    Hi there

    My wife and I have been separated for just over a year now. I have our 2 children 6 nights out of 14 and do the relevant school drop offs. I moved out of our jointly owned house at around the same time into a one bedroom house, so when I have our children we all sleep in the same room. This is ok but not ideal (my daughter is 11 and son is 5).

    When I moved out, we came up with a temporary agreement that I would pay half of the mortgage payments and £100 a month towards our childcare costs.

    My lease is about to come to an end on my current house and, ideally, I would like to rent somewhere bigger (2 bed) but can’t afford to whilst I am still paying half the mortgage. I approached my wife with a few different options but she wasn’t interested in any of them. We both earn about the same amount of money and the rent on my house and the mortgage on our jointly owned house are only about £50 different but she claims she couldn’t afford to live if I wasn’t paying 50%of the mortgage, so are now about to start mediation.

    My ideal outcome would be to not be paying the monthly mortgage cost, but pay more maintenance. This would allow me to move to somewhere larger but still be providing fir the kids. I have been doing some research but can’t find any concrete info on what the outcomes of mediation may be. I wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and could give me some pointers?

    Sorry for the long rambling post!

    #55739 Report



    We had mediation just after we split up to help sort out the time the children spent with each of us and the collection/drop off expectations. I found the mediation really helpful with both of us discussing things separately to the neutral person. We didn’t discuss finances but mediators have to be impartial and are skilled in negotiating and remaining calm. Even if you do not come out with a concrete agreement at first it may help your ex to view things from your perspective when presented in a slightly different way by someone else.

    What you are suggesting seems reasonable to me as you certainly can’t go on that much longer all being in one room and your ex should realise that that is extremely difficult and more problematic as they get older. It is important that children have their own space, particularly teenagers.

    Have you looked into selling the house? I’m sure this is one thing the mediator may ask.

    Good luck. Like I said my experience of mediation is positive.

    #55743 Report


    it seems when there dispute about wanting to sell a house and there’s big disagreements, you may have to look at taking it to court to force sale of house. thats probably the next steps if your mediation sessions fail.

    #55762 Report


    One thing you said was ‘temporary arrangement’ which your ex should acknowledge and recognise. So was there a time frame put on it? If not I should imagine you have been renting for at least a year dealing with very difficult accommodation with children. With teenagers having more homework and exams, wanting their own space and friends round it is important they have their own space. Many kids these days start that teenage phase even when they are at primary school and as their body changes they certainly don’t want younger siblings or parents around all the time. They want their personal space. It’s only fair that your children have the same space in each home and their own room, as well as for your sanity. It must have been very difficult in lockdown with no where to escape to! Some mediation firms record things in case it goes to court and it is meant to be a nicer way to sort issues out. So just choose the mediation firm carefully.

    #55863 Report


    Thanks for your replies and apologies for the weird formatting in the original post!

    I’m glad to hear that you found mediation helpful. Like you say from what I understand it should be a nicer way to attempt to come to an agreement. I’m hoping that once someone else is involved in the process my wife may start to compromise a bit.

    There was no timescale put on the temporary arrangement at the time, but I think I’ve been very reasonable keeping it going for a year. I’ve been in the 1 bedroom for just under a year and it has been challenging throughout lockdown. Finding things to amuse the kids without us getting on top of each other was interesting but we got through it.

    Hopefully it will be a constructive process, but my main concern is that I may come out of the process in a worse situation which will screw me financially.

    #56631 Report


    Hi all

    We are now about to go into mediation so am trying to get all the info I need together before we start. There’s a few points I’m not too clear on and can’t find any clear answers about and wondered if anyone here had any experience of these.

    <span class=”s1″>I have used the government maintenance calculator. Payments for 2 children I have 3 nights per week come out at around £260 per month. Does that sound correct? It seems high as we have similar daily costs and I believe that our income is fairly similar.</span>


    <span class=”s1″>What does child maintenance cover? Obviously day to day costs, but does it cover things like school uniform/trips etc?</span>


    <span class=”s1″>If I ask CMS to make an assessment can we just use that figure or would CMS take further action? Would they take into account that I am paying 50% of the mortgage?</span>

    I am happy to pay what is due, but just want to ensure that it’s fair and that I’m able to treat the  kids to fun stuff sometimes instead of having to say no all the time!


    #56634 Report


    No CMS don’t take into account that you are paying 50% of the mortgage. If you have the children 50/50 you won’t pay any maintenance either.
    I would say play hardball and just highlight to her that you are being very reasonable but you need a fair deal so that you can care for the children properly when you have them.
    Up to you but in mediation I got the mediator to suggest a deal, if I suggested it she would have said no but because it came from the mediator she agreed!
    good luck, you deserve a reasonable standard of living too!

    #56644 Report


    Hi there

    Thanks for your reply. That’s as I thought-We could probably change the schedule to be 50/50  but it works well at the moment and the kids have settled well so am reluctant to change it at the moment, though I would be happy to have them more.

    I am planning on doing that, but I think my wife knows that my intentions are good and just want to provide for the kids. All through this I have done my very best to be there for the kids and have kept things as consistent as I could for them, but she also doesn’t want to have to uproot them. Unfortunately we can’t both get our own way so there will be some level of compromise.

    thanks for your words of support. Hopefully it will work out in the end!

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