Mediation-can I request a contact centre &drug tests

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  • #34466 Report


    I need some advice about mediation, can I request a contact centre and drug testing?


    The background is I have tried to almost force my ex to be a dad trying everything possible for him to see our daughter. 10 months ago he said he didn’t want to see her (not the first time) and then did want to, I couldn’t take anymore abuse from him, so I told him to contact mediation.

    He’s always liked a drink but During my pregnancy he turned heavily to drugs and alcohol cracking open a can as soon as he got out of bed and sparking up a spliff, he left half way through the pregnancy coming back briefly when she was born. And a couple of times when she was roughly 12-15 months old. First time ended in a police report being filed as he left me in the middle of know where camping, threatening to kill my dog and come back for me if he couldn’t get a lift home. Looking back on it I’m surprised how stupid I was and how beaten down I was to even let him back in.

    So now Christmas is here he wanted to see her and take her out on a motorbike he’d “bought” her….. he hasn’t seen her for 10months, has quit his job and become a full time drug dealer (far cry from the man I met)  and then expects me to let him back in and take a 2 year old out on a motorbike, deluded came to mind, especially with him alcoholism and drug taking. I completely ignored all messages from him.

    His mum then spoke to me Christmas Eve and I raised the point that he doesn’t even see her to take her out! Then this led on top a conversation about access. I held my ground and said he wants access he goes to mediation, And that if mediation was to come about I’d push for a contact centre and regular drug testing, as I wouldn’t use my child as a carrot to make him grow up, as this could damage her in the process. Sad thing is, his mum agreed to my suggestion!!! Saying he’s like a teenager.


    He’s now messaging that I’m a heartless woman and he’ll see me in mediation…. which I’m hoping he wants to be a dad and wasn’t a cheap tactic to spoil my Christmas (which it didn’t). But I don’t trust this man to put my daughter first and if he hasn’t bothered for 10months, he needs to prove he’s going to be there for her, structure, stability and now drinking or drugs.


    #34470 Report


    Thanks for your post.

    that does throw a spanner in the works for me! I have no idea how to go about any of this. I just know he, in his current state isn’t fit to look after a houseplant, let alone a child.
    every-time his mum has said anything,  (she still sees her grandchild on a regular basis) I have said he needs to contact mediation. Do I now wait for the letter calling me (which, I doubt will come) or seek legal advice beforehand?
    I have spoken to woman’s aid and other charities when he decided not to have contact and then did want contact 10months ago, just to make sure what I was saying regarding mediation was right. They all said he needs to want to be a dad, you can’t force him and that was a starting point. I think I’ll call again and see what there recommendation is now, 10months on.
    I’ve just got used to the fact he doesn’t want to be in her life and realised that this isn’t a bad thing! stepping away from an abusive relationship for a good period of time, makes you realise what a “spell”, how downtrodden you actually became.   Now I can’t help thinking, I’m going to become that person again if he pursues access.
    I would honestly like him to be a part of her life, but after stepping back, all I can see is this amazing little human being wrecked by an addict. And any access needs to be controlled in a safe environment.

    #34489 Report



    After reading your post, my personal view is that if I were you I really wouldn’t do anything at this stage. If he is an alcoholic/drug addict, what are the actual chances of him going down the legal route and fighting to see his child? He hasn’t made much of an effort so far! If and when he takes any action I would worry about it then. Obviously I don’t know the man, but my gut instinct is it’s all a load of hot air.

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