Mediation Advice today
3 July 2019 at 9:33 am #27190
I am after some advice please. I have my mediation appointment today with my ex fiance.
Last night he started texting me to ask me for help to complete his forms. I didnt want to help him. I know I am being mean, but I prefer avoiding him as much as i can because he is being very abusive with his language and he puts a lot of pressure. What i did was messaged him the details of the mortgage but I replied to him that the rest of the loans are on my list since he didnt recognise them anyway (as he is not giving me money for them). I wasnt trying to be mean with that but just factual.
After that i received a series of messages telling me that he doesnt earn a lot to pay for everything and if I hadnt lie about him he wouldn t have left the house and that i asked to go to mediation and I am making him pay for it. Its truth that I asked to go to mediation because we dont communicate. He is blaming me for everything and even when I try to discuss with him he starts with ‘I WANT’ . When I dont agree to his terms he gets agree and plays a blaming game to make me feel guilty and telling me that I did this. I thought and I still think that mediation is the right route when there is no communication.
I dont know what he meant by me lying to my mum but I said to him its best to leave our mums out of it just from respect. My mum moved countries to help us, she is really old and I dont want to drag her into this. I think its because my mum takes my side but at the same times its not like they talk or anything and also my mum will support me not him ? Regardless fault now.
I feel that I already gave my apologies for what I ve done wrong in the relationship, I respected his decision to leave our family and now I just want to close this and move on as painless as possible. I am now worried that I will go today to mediation and s*** will hit the fan. I am trying to keep calm and I was advised to put my feelings at the back of my head to be able to deal with him but I am scared now that he will make me anxious at the meeting and start his normal emotional abuse and mind games, shift the blame on me and make me hate my self.
I came a long way the last 2 weeks trying to keep it together and last night I couldnt sleep
thank you3 July 2019 at 2:03 pm #27193
i hope this isn’t too late. It’s important to remember that the mediators have seen & heard it all before. They will be present so shouldn’t allow any abusive behaviour.
Stay calm, don’t rise to your ex’s anger and be clear & polite when you make each point.
Don’t let yourself be bullied, and say what you need to. The mediators should do the rest. Good luck.4 July 2019 at 9:41 am #27227
Thank you K,
I kept my calm all in all. Of course he was patronizing me and lying about things but I couldnt say much I dont know it was like everything I was saying was wrong.
For example I said that I will be happy for our child to stay overnight if I know that he will not smoke or drink around him. I said that because he drinks way to much (one of the reasons we separated) and I dont want to imagine him being drunk around our child without me there. So his answer was, so you don drink when you have him? I said its different to have a glass of wine at night and different to have a bottle. Sure thing he didnt like that! I honestly wasnt trying to attack but merely to explain that if he wants to fulfil his responsibility then he doesnt need to drink and I added that in fact will not drink not even that one glass when with him because.
All in all I didnt agree the overnight yet but I know eventually I will have to because he is sending me some dramatic messages that he cries all the time. He wasnt that involved before anyway! Mostly he was drinking, smoking, doing weed and playing his games. I get he wants to be a dad now and I hope its truth but I want to take it slow. Is that unreasonable? My family thinks that he is using our child to get back at me. I dont know .. what if he really loves him ? How can I be sure that he will not take our son for the night and just pass him a tablet so he can do his thing ?
thank you4 July 2019 at 11:12 am #27230
My ex drank a lot too. Some nights he was so unconscious I couldn’t get him out of the car when we got home. Partly why I left too.
Well done for staying calm. It will be ok. Use your knowledge of his drinking to manage access. Eg promise to always have son on NYE so he can party.
I’m 7 years in and we’ve only had three real issues. I just know I can’t ever rely on him and always need a back up plan.