28 January 2018 at 8:02 am #7182
I have a Miam meeting very soon and don’t know really what to expect and what happens during this?
I have only seen my ex husband face to face a handful of times as he picks our boys up outside the house but there older enough to go out to him.
He has turned very verbally and emotionally abusive by email and I’ve had phone calls not just from him but his gf and some of his family that are gulible to believe his lies even when I’ve shown him how bad the abuse is they say it’s PASSION for his kids 🤔.
He has said he’s going to make them see what an awful mum I am and how I stop them from seeing him but I’m not and I don’t we get the same contact just he has 1 overnight stay on the week it’s the boys Saturday night with him but that was his choice to alternate Fridays and Saturdays each week I offered him overnight on the Friday too but he said he wasn’t changing his shift at work to go in abit later Saturday I even offered to have them back at 7am so he still wouldn’t be working late but he said he goes out now and has a life but other than that they can’t stay during the week as he only got a double sofa bed for them to share and it disturbs there sleep and hes moving soon so that house will be too far for them to get to school on time without them having to get up at ridiculous hour and means travelling on motorways so im not willing to risk this so I said it’s fair on the boys to stay at the weekend so we both have 2 nights in the week and alternate friday 1 week saturday the other and 1/2 day each sunday and when they come back from him in the week they get showered and bed so effectively I don’t spend extra time with them as there asleep but he doesn’t get that.
Do the mediators help when he won’t agree or is it just going to be a nightmare as other than him having every night after school till 8pm and I don’t see them I really don’t know what he wants.
The boys are already struggling with the current contact as it’s so here there and everywhere for them I don’t know what to do for the best.28 January 2018 at 8:18 am #7183
Hi H, Mediators are really good and identifying what is in the best interest of the children. When my ex made ridiculous requests i.e. he was shot down immediately and told it wasn’t meeting the children’s needs (unrealistic expectations). They constantly push that conversation forward if they see no point to it. They take the parts you do agree on and build on it so you end up with a picture that you both built. Then the agreed components are formslised in writing. They highlight the need for ‘quality time’ with each parent, and shower then bed isn’t quality time. Please go with an open mind which offers flexibility, choose your battles, but have the best interests of the kids and you’ll be absolutely fine. Depending on the ages of the kids, maybe have a chat to them and see what they’d like to see happen without pressuring them. I know it’s an anxious time but having been both the mediators and the courts, I prefer to resolve through mediation. Hope this helps28 January 2018 at 9:38 am #7185
Thank you yes I am very flexible and the current contact of half day Sunday Monday and Thursday with dad Tuesday and Wednesday with me alternate friday and Saturday is what the boys wanted in the beginning and now I look at them and there shattered and don’t seem happy I ask them if they want anymore time with there dad and they say no so don’t know what to do I always feel like my ex from the start got what he wants with the alternating of Friday and Saturdays and I swopped the time on the Sunday’s at his request so none of it’s what I put in place but still not enough. We don’t agree on anything because it’s all his way or no way even though he was the one that walked out and the boys live with me he still dictates and other than getting in a row nothing gets resolved just so fed up with it even on the nights they spend at home he calls them and wants to know everything what we have had for dinner where we have been who we have seen I feel like I have no life28 January 2018 at 3:32 pm #7191
I hear what you’re saying. I kind of relate to it. Without realising sometimes we facilitate this behaviour, you have to recognise that you’re allowing this to happen. Dad is just taking what he sees fit, and you give in. Now no-one is happy with the arrangement! What age are the kids?
Mediation will be a good opportunity to have this conversation in a controlled environment, try your best to keep it amicable and lines of communication open between the 2 of you, hopefully he’ll do the same (or maybe not…). You can’t be responsible for his behaviour, only your own28 January 2018 at 3:43 pm #7192
I have two boys 8 and 12. I know but I was kind of pushed into it as ex was amicable to start with and then it was all in place and he had his own way the abuse started but by that point the boys knew when they were with each of us and times and now feel like I can’t change nothing as we will create and brings the boys into it like he keeps trying to arrange things but before the time they are supposed to go to him but if I say no sorry that’s when they are spending time with me he tells the boys there missing out on things because of there mother (his words) if it things that are only happening one offs I wouldn’t mind but like last weekend he picked them up early to go to the park and get dinner but he had enough time to do that in the time planned he just deliberately takes the mick then other times he messages with dates when him and his gf doing and things and boys get let down and he don’t want to know them then I have to arrange other arrangements for the boys or take my holiday.28 January 2018 at 4:18 pm #7193
Yeah just chat with the kids, the 12 year old before long will want to do his own thing and neither you nor dad will be part of that plan! It’s just emotional manipulation.28 January 2018 at 7:17 pm #7202
I know he’s good at that. Thank u for your advice and will hopefully go ok.