Manipulative ex husband
15 August 2021 at 9:24 pm #57548
Ive been divorced for 8 years now, my ex husband was arrested for domestic abuse and i had a restraining order against him for 5 years which ended in 2017. I have twins who are now 15, the contact with their dad is not consistent, infact he once went 18 months without seeing them (his choice). He now sees them once or twice a month and arranges this via our daughter (15 yo) and he comes back into their lives showering them with expensive items like laptops, tvs and £150 trainers. Recently my son (15 yo) has been truanting from school. He was lying to me, i thought he was going to school but he was going back to bed after i had left for work. The school came out to speak to him, his friends spoke to him and he ignored us all. This went on for 3 weeks and i was upset and stressed so i took him to his dads in the hope his dad would speak to him. My son went to school the next day. That was 3 wks ago and my son refuses to come home or even speak to me and ignores my calls and texts. Im heartbroken. I then caught my son vaping in my house when i got home from work so i took his key off him and he has now told his friends he lives at his dads. I just want him to come home. Im devastated. My ex is a narcissist, controlling and manipulative bully and im certain he has bad mouthed me to my son so that he wont speak to me. Can anyone offer any advice?16 August 2021 at 10:53 pm #57567
That sounds really tough.
Is there anyone at the school you can speak to about the situation? As you have had such serious issues with ex in past it may help if school know what’s going on for your son.
Are there any family members/family friends who are on side who he would be willing to speak to?
Hang in there17 August 2021 at 4:30 pm #57594
The school are fully aware of everything, it is the school who put in the referral for the youth worker. My son ignores any advice whether it be from family, friends, myself or his sister. The only person he listens to is his dad and he fully manipulates him. My son has told his sister that he isnt coming on our holiday next week that ive had booked since february. Me and the kids have been away each year since i split with their dad 8 yrs ago. Im devastated and now beating myself up wishing i had never taken him to his dads 4 weeks ago. Im crying as i write this.17 August 2021 at 10:05 pm #57610
This sounds like such a difficult situation, and very upsetting. Am glad you have others around you who are supportive.
Sometimes children do the worst thing they can think of when they are feeling upset or angry about something but don’t know what to do about it…
Is there any way you can reassure your son that you are there for him, and were upset with his behaviour/choices rather than with him as a person? maybe a card or a note? Maybe suggest meeting up somewhere neutral to talk things over?
He’s made a big statement by storming off to his Dad’s. Is there a way of showing him a way to come back home that allows him to keep his dignity (without excusing the bad choices he may have been making just lately).
From the outside looking in, I just wonder if he misunderstood losing his key & taking him to his Dad’s as him not being welcome anymore? Letting him know he is still loved and that it’s still his home for as long as he needs it might help him calm down and think more clearly.
Be kind to yourself too, teenagers are sometimes infuriating and irrational at best- I know I was😊
Wishing you the best of luck17 August 2021 at 10:14 pm #57611
Thank you for your reply. I send him a little text every day to tell him i love him, i miss him and this will always be his home. He never replies so ive no idea if he sees or reads it. Ive told the youth worker that i took his key off my son as he was meeting his friends in my house when im out and vaping, and as im still clinically vulnerable after breast cancer 2 years ago, that this is not allowed. I 100% regret taking him to his dads but he is the only person my son will listen to. The youth worker is going to arrange mediation, not sure when this will take place, and he is due back at school in 2 weeks.18 August 2021 at 4:39 pm #57668
Sounds like you’re doing everything you can in the circumstances. Hopefully the mediation will help,- no doubt in the future he will look back at this time and wish he’d behaved otherwise.
Keep on keeping on.
Wishing you all the best x18 August 2021 at 6:33 pm #57671
Thank you for your support xxx30 September 2021 at 3:58 pm #60580
Bit of an update on my post. My son is talking to me now and he has spent some time overnight at my house, but still technically “lives” at his dads. He has been there 10 weeks now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If I knew then that he would still be there 10 weeks later, I would never have taken him, even though all my friends say that they would have done the same thing. My ex drops my son at my house at 5.30am every day (he starts work at 6am) and then my son goes back to bed, but at 7am I cannot wake him for school as he is too tired. I think I would be too, getting up at that time every day! My ex still refuses to unblock me so that I can text him (he is doing this as he wants to stay the control freak he always has been), so I have to ask my daughter to text her dad to tell him my son won’t go to school. My ex told my daughter that “he has done his bit in getting him to your mums (my house), it is your mums responsibility now to get him to school”. He is such a manipulative *****!! I’ve asked my son would it be a good idea to sleep at my house so he is not getting up in the middle of the night, but he says he wants to sleep at his dads. I am exhausted by the stress of it all. More than anything I want my son to move back home, but I know I can’t force it as he wants to be at his dads. I am worried that he has missed so much of his education, that he will just “give up” on school (he is in year 11). My daughter is caught in the cross-fire and I am now worried about her mental health (she had anorexia earlier this year), and this is now affecting my work as I am so distracted by the situation. Any advice greatly appreciated.