lost, trapped, scared for childs mental and emotional wellbeing

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    anonymous
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    probably like many here – it is a long story.  We were together for a long time, married for over 22.  I felt something is not right on a few occasions (and now read some notes on my computer from many years ago), but it was less of an issue when both working long hours and never really together.  The ‘lightbulb moment’ was a few months back when I started to notice the impact on a just turned 2yo child, noticing some of the things that were close to my hurt… and suddenly I realised that it was a mental and emotional abuse (probably in combination with other things as I never was allowed to talk to anyone about it).  When I realised, I put an ultimatum to him – either treat me and child in humane way or think about leaving due to the impact on the child.  Next thing I know – message that he needs more time to get his stuff out.  Thankfully he has left and I made sure that I have packed everything of his.  He is coming every weekend to spend time with child, and its the best thing ever.  When we ‘were together’ he would stay away working for days, weeks but when he is back he would continue working locking himself in the office or just saying that he is busy (on computer or phone ).  And now he is here with no computer and spending time with the child.

    But, the abuse towards me never stopped, the child is still experiencing all of this.  I am trying to lock myself away, but it is not always possible.  He has shouted at the child, and lately. the use of phone and other devices have increased allot (in the past we have agreed to limit the use of the devices).  Also, it seems that some of the plans that we have discussed in the last 2 years – for example, travel while the child is not at school, are now being ‘reverted’.  what I mean – my child’s father has taken no interest or no part in my pregnancy, or pretty much the child’s first 2 years, and suddenly he is the father of the century. I put aside any personal mental or emotional issues as the child needs a father.  And he has no issue for me to leave (all he cares I can just go and get lost) but suddenly I cannot take a child with me to go and visit my friends and family for a couple of months, just as I used to do in the past.

    What is worse – his own parent (and parents’ partner) are the social mental counselors, I think; and suddenly he is coming up with some phrases that I never heard him say before (but did hear his parent say that; which also was made very clear to me in the telephone conversation a few months ago when I was accused of everything that went not to satisfaction for years).  Anyway – he has now been coached.  And I am, in addition to everything, – I am absolutely terrified that I might be losing my child?

    My ex has never been a nice person, in fact, the opposite.  He is extremely very well-spoken (unless he is talking to me), he has an amazing way to pull the wool over everyone else’s eyes, he is the best, most attentive, gentlemen, etc. person you will ever meet in every way as long as he is outside of the home.  We even used to have a joke that he is a ‘model husband to take out anywhere… wish I would know this person at home’.   And he is in denial about how he was and is treating me now or how he used to treat a child;  although he did mention the other week that I deserve the way he was and is treating me.  But the child definitely does not deserve to be in the middle of it, and definitely does not deserve to have an emotional or mental impact/abuse.  My ex just does not see how he is, his words, actions, gestures impacting the child, child’s mind, behavior, or other things like food, sleep, play, etc.  And anything I say – well it is me that is talking.

    Overall, I do not know where to turn for help.  For years I was told I imagine, it’s me, there we go again, but  I am genuinely worried about the child and the impact it has.  On one hand, I wish the child will grow up and understand what is going, to make own decision and draw own conclusions (maybe I do just imagine things, and my ex is the best person ever), but on the other, I wish that will never be the case.  No one deserves this; no one should experience this, ever.

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