Lost for words

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  • #13196 Report

    Ablfc
    Participant

    I’ll keep this short and to the point.

    mum due to see kids Monday morning so normally stays at my house the night before, decided to stay with her boyfriend in Bristol for the night instead but said would drive to Cardiff early enough to help with the morning  routine.

    get a text at 8:35am to say that she’s 10min away I reply that I’ve taken them to the park and to meet us at the school (Next turning on the main road). She arrived at 8:50 school starts at 8:55, 5min was her only contact with the eldest. She got to see the younger 2 more as the finish school at 11:30 and she starts work at 2. Aparantly it was traffics fault as she left Bristol at 7:30!

    this morning my eldest kicks off big style that she doesn’t want to go to school attempts to run off twice doesn’t want to speak to mum (not that mum bothered to phone).

    i  allowed her to stay if school today pointed out it was a one off (she was to emotionally unstable) and we were late dropping of her siblings.

    one things had settled I phoned mum told her what had happened and convinced my daughter to talk to her (lots of long silent pauses)

    mum then informs me that I should have phoned her and she could have helped and that she wants to be there for them and me.

    treeted all 3 of the kids once the other came home with a trip to the park and McDonald’s. Mood lifted.

    anounce that it’s close to bed time and her mood drops, I take them up at bed time but there’s been no good night phone call from mum, I explain mum must be stuck on a call in work but message her to say I’m dragging out bed time to give her a chance to phone. She calls at 7:22 and asks if it’s to late and I said no as I was dealing with another tantrum. Mum tells both girls they can sleep in her bed and says good night.

    I then speak to mum and she says sorry she used her lunch break to drive to boots to get a sandwich and got back to work and logged back in and ate at her desk. She said she forgot to phone them on lunch and used personal time to call as soon as she saw my message.

     

    how do you forget to phone your 7,4 and 2 year old children! And after saying she felt I was pushing her out by not involving her this morning as events were happening (I had 3 kids fresh out of the shower to get ready for school and see to my eldests emotional needs) that she wants to be there for them and me she “forgot to phone”

    I’m just lost for words.

    oh she also works with her boyfriend.

    #13202 Report

    Sassafrass03
    Participant

    Sounds like you’re doing a blinking amazing job.

    Unfortunately, you are not responsible for someone else’s actions, that fact you made an excuse that she must have been stuck on a call, shows that protecting their needs and is very admirable.

    Have you tried setting clear arrangements with regards to who’s responsible for what when it comes to co parenting? As it seems she’s taking a few liberties here.

    I hope you get things sorted

    #13206 Report

    Ablfc
    Participant

    We were living together for 6-7 months after we split as I thought it would be in the best interest of the kids, it reached the point for lots of reasons that I felt it was no longer working for me. So told her to move out. I researched and found somthing that said younger kids benifit from changing who there with often.

    so I proposed 2 days one week and that weekend and 3 days the following week for her to see them. (7days spread over 2weeks). At the moment she works mon-fri 2-11. But there are lots of options where she can change her shift patterns and I’ve told her she can have them overnight if her shifts change. I’ve told her during the holidays if she wants to take them visiting family who live the otherside of the country for an extended brake she can.

     

    i hate the fact that we split, I hate the fact that there will be days that I no longer get to see my kids as they will be with her, but they are more important than me, my hurt is nothing compared to there wellbeing and I don’t want to use them as pawns.

    Im trying to be as fair as I can in giving her access and making it as easy as possible for her to spend time with them, I just wish she would make a proper effort. I was always more hands on with the kids and better at that side of things but not phoneing is just wrong.

    When we were still living together I’d gone out the one night to watch the football with a friend and still called at bed time (been with them most of the day and was going back home that night) to read them the last bed time story over the phone (know it off by heart).

    i feel like I’m leading a  Horse to water but I can’t make it drink. I don’t want to lie to my 7 year old about why mum isn’t phoning or whatever as not telling lies is my first rule in the house, but what’s the alternative? I can’t tell her you weren’t important enough for mum to phone.

    one thing I have said to her when she’s asked questions that I can’t answer is “when your older you will understand”

    #13207 Report

    Sassafrass03
    Participant

    You are doing the right thing, personally I too think it’s important not to put kids into adult situations. When their old enough, they know themselves.

    You are their constant, and that’s the important thing, as hard a stuff feels, you sound like you’ve got it right, you acknowledge that time with you both is important and that they are the most important little people in your life.

    I can’t tell you things will work out soon as I don’t really know your situations, but us parents have an uncanny way of rolling with the punches. Yes, it was wrong not to call them, but like that saying goes, “holding onto anger is like <span style=”color: #3c4043; font-family: Roboto, HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”</span>

    Hopefully she’ll see things the way you do, and realise how reasonable you have been.

    #13214 Report

    Ablfc
    Participant

    Hopefully.

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