Lost all hope of ever finding love….
8 August 2020 at 6:59 pm #42810
I’m a 33 year old mum of two girls from London. I met my ex husband at 18, managed 13 years together and were married for 10. Obviously, I was young and nieve and was head over heels before I realised he was a narcissist drug addict, surrounded by a toxic circle who were only to happy to enable him. To this day that has not changed.
I eventually plucked up the courage to walk away. A decision I’ve never regretted.
I spend 15 months on my own rebuilding myself and after thinking it would never happen, I met someone. For 8 blissful months I had everything I ever wanted. Both the children and myself were finally getting a taste of what it was like to be loved and cherished. He doted on us. The children were automatically given his time, love and attention and he would sit patently with me for hours discussing my fears and what I percieve as my damaged goods parts.
Overnight something changed. I’m not even sure what. I know it was to do with us taking the next step of me meeting his daughter. He turned cold and callous with me, not even when I begged him to level with me even if it was just for the sake of the children. I got no love or compassion. This went on for 4 days, with me left hanging, exactly the same way my ex husband used to do to me to punish and torture me.
Knowing that something was really up, I reached out to his ex, desperate for some kind of clarity. A 3 hour phonecall later, my suspicion had been confirmed, he was lying about her being the evil ex using his child as a weapon….she was lovely. And had enough of her own experience to share with me. Including how their 5 year relationship had ended overnight in much the same cruel way. We chatted about what we think may be the reason for him cutting his feelings and pushing people away, and concluded it’s probably to do with his mum’s death when he was young, that he has never grieved for. Anyway….
So now I find myself back to square one. My dream, as sad and pathetic as it sounds, is just to have that person who loves me and who I can love back. Genuinely. To have that person who thinks about you when you’re not there, calls just to hear your voice, loves nothing better than spending time together….
I’m comparison to what I went through with my ex, this should be a breeze. But it’s not. I finally had everything I wanted. The man who was perfect for me. And its been ripped from me and I still don’t even know why. Try as I might I just can’t get over the thought that thats it for me now. Who would want me?
Well done if you got to the end. I don’t even know what I want out of this but I just needed to get it down….9 August 2020 at 3:52 am #42817
But he wasn’t perfect was he. He was a manipulative liar with previous form.
And you have already found love – your daughters love you unconditionally.
It sounds like you believe the only way to be happy is to be in a relationship, which makes you a bit of an easy target to be honest.
Can you not just get on with enjoying life. Then if you meet someone lovely, that’s a bonus but it’s not central to your existence. It avoids giving a man so much power over you.