11 March 2021 at 7:36 pm #51103
so a little background, a bit over 2 years ago found out my partner had been cheating on me for some time. Torn with not wanting to leave my kids I stayed but the situation was not great and I found myself sleeping on the couch by choice.
Left with no choice as she continued to see the other man, I put myself in great financial difficulty and moved out. Not wanting to make life bad for my kids I agreed to let her keep all of the items in the house, furniture, tv, fridge, freezer etc which I had bought. Also even let her keep the car. It was verbally agreed that as I had kids EVERY weekend from saturday morning to Sunday night and given the other things I pay for such as their phone contracts, pocket money thru gohenry, ps plus pass, Netflix etc as well as doing things with them at the weekends, that there would be nothing more.
Shortly after I moved out she moved the man in. She recently without a word, sold the car to buy a new one. Then despite their being two of them working full time, she has applied for payments from me also. When I asked her about this she has said she doesn’t need the money but she might aswell get it as she deserves it.
The amount I’m being asked for will mean I can’t even pay my bills. I won’t have money to spare to save for anything such as holidays with my kids, or even spare money to do things with them at the weekends.
I rent a 2 bedroom house so they can have comfort and a bedroom each when they are with me each weekend. But the amount I’m being asked to pay would mean me needing to live somewhere with nowhere for them to sleep or to share with someone.
they have even had another child which seems convenient timing for her to suddenly want money from me.
I’m in despair and do not understand how any reasonable person can see this as fair. I already spend every spare penny I have on my children. But now I won’t be able to pay my own bills and will have no money to spend on my kids. She will however have the two full incomes plus wants a substantial amount off me too.
this is all after telling me she has booked a holiday which I wouldn’t be able to afford to do
what can I do? Im starting to have dark thoughts. Maybe my life insurance money would be better since it seems I’m expected to have no relationship or life with my children
im sorry how long this is, this really is my last reach out I feel beyond useless11 March 2021 at 8:03 pm #51105
You sound really down and im so sorry to hear of your situation. That must be so hard ! You also sound like you tried very hard to make things right or at least to do things the right way. Maybe you could reach out to someone who could help? A GP ? It not for anyone to tell you how to do things but if your having those dark thoughts then your not in a good place right now. PM me if you wanna chat i dunno what else to say. Take care ….Mark11 March 2021 at 9:35 pm #51113
It’s great that you reached out to this group and that you’re trying to find a way forward. It’s not easy to be open and vulnerable so well done. If you haven’t already, do have a session with a solicitor (most offer an initial free session) as they may help you to understand more about the legal requirements around maintenance which will help you to feel more in control. You mentioned dark thoughts and life insurance, if you are feeling suicidal don’t go through it alone, call the Samaritans on 116 123 and talk to them, please.11 March 2021 at 10:14 pm #51119
sorry to hear that. if she has opened a case with Child maintenance service, then only pay the amount they tell you to.11 March 2021 at 10:49 pm #51121
Some people are just Beyond selfish!!where do they get the guts to behave like that? You sound like a real devoted father.I wish my kids dad was Half of that.Can you get some legal advice please before you give up?? Maybe the Citizens Advice Bereau could advise you….it seems crazy.And the thought of them getting your life insurance…..! Well.Please don’t give up!
(Anyway it’s not like you chose to leave of your own accord,you were edged out,doesn’t that count for something?)11 March 2021 at 11:12 pm #51122
You are not useless
Someone out there can help..
Solicitor (some give free advice 15 or 30 min, you could give outline of situation and they will advise), citizens advice…
and with your dark thoughts, call samaritans
Your children need you and you WILL find a way through this..look at what you have coped with already..
Dont give up11 March 2021 at 11:35 pm #51124
Whoever makes these decisions re child maintenence, surely they will take into account what you already pay (perhaps have that already listed and calculated ready to show them), will means test you and work out what is reasonable..12 March 2021 at 4:16 pm #51146
I’m really sorry to read about your situation.
It sounds like a really tough situation and one that many fathers face a version of … by way I mean that you are not alone. It is the impossible choice if wanting to do the right thing financially by your children, as well as commit as much time as possible to them, but the effects of which mean you can’t actually finance the basics for the life that you have to rebuild. So something has to change, and you should try to take some tough decisions. What can you afford? What can you give? In terms of time and money? It might come down to some very black and white numbers in the end but the bottom line is: you have to be in a position to be able to finance a baseline of personal needs before paying above and beyond what is required to your ex. Use the CMA calculator to work out what the requirement is for you to pay your children’s mother, and then start from there. See whether you can then cover your basic costs for living. If that works, and the sums add up then that would seem to be somewhere to start from … pay more once you feel that you can. If you battle with conscience over this, then look at it this way: You have to be able to house yourself, so that you can provide the environment for you to have time with your children. Your ex has this in place, and you have to too.
It’s completely shit not being able to afford your own overheads. Losing your home due to a breakup is hugely destabilising and can take a long time to recover from … I found this too and have had to make some very difficult decisions as a result, so I can sympathise with what you are facing. If you need to get in touch to talk, then do so as I can feel your desperation and I understand the challenges that you are facing.12 March 2021 at 7:50 pm #51153
I’m not sure I can add much more than what the other guys have said on the money/legal side of things.
What I hope I can add is that things will get easier, you will come out of the dark. At the moment it possibly feels like money is everything, but it’s not when it comes to you and your kids. They need you, and they love you.
Your Ex sounds, how can I put this politely, a piece of work! All the more reason your kids will need you to teach them the good in life.
I know you’re going through it now, and it’s okay to have dark thoughts and moments- we all do. Please recognise when they move on from thoughts to possible intentions. Seek support and help if they do. It doesn’t matter how often- you, here, is what matters, you around for your future and for your kids future.12 March 2021 at 10:23 pm #51156
I don’t have any ideas on what to do particularly, but i am kind and maybe a good listener, and you are welcome to message me if you need to talk13 March 2021 at 1:04 am #51167
Don’t EVER give up…because we are responsible men, and care about our children, doesn’t mean we have to be forced into servitude…I cannot afford a 2 bedroom apartment either, but I’ve made a one bedroom work for the last 10 years (same place), my daughter gets her own bedroom, and the living room is basically my studio apartment…you sound like a good guy, don’t let anyone crush your spirit, you have already done more to be a good father than many men throughout history…can I say a few things? Tell your children that you love them every chance you get, admit your mistakes, show your emotions, and thank them everyday for being your children…they will grow to respect and admire you for being a genuine person…13 March 2021 at 12:50 pm #51192
The first thing I need to say is the last few days have been more emotional than I’ve been over the last couple of years. Genuinely hit the lowest I’ve ever been.
I have been somewhat overwhelmed by the responses. Please don’t ever stop doing what you are all doing, it has been heartwarming. I would love to say that I’m ok but I’m not, but it has given me some hope.
Im so sorry for my outpouring, it’s not like me. Trying to reach child maintenance on Friday was a nightmare to try and talk to someone, I am hoping to speak to someone next week and will also try to get some further advice depending on what they say.
Please accept my sincere gratitude for your kind words and responses13 March 2021 at 1:29 pm #51194
Really pleased you have replied to say how you are.
I’m sorry to hear things are still hard, they may be for a while, but you will get through it all.
As for apologising for your feelings – there’s never a need. I’d instead be inclined to say you can be proud of reaching out. It’s always the best option. There will always be people who empathise, relate or simply want to help. Lean on others, then you will get strong for others (including your kids) to lean on you.13 March 2021 at 3:10 pm #51198
Communication is key…let your ego & pride go, but stand up & say “I love my children, and I will never quit trying!”…..it’s better that your children see you as a worn out, tired old man, than to not see you at all….keep trying to find a solicitor/ lawyer that will at least give you some advice, you might contact a hundred before you find the one that will help….but keep trying…….oh, side note, you’re not alone in this….
I work 70 hours a week, basically barely making ends meet….but I have refused to give up, no matter how crappy things get……gave up smoking, going out, dating, driving, well basically everything most people consider a “normal” part of life…I have been single & celibate for more than 10 years…..it brings a measure of peace to me, and as a side effect – strength
Sometimes we find ourselves in seemingly impossible situations in life, that’s when you go talk to an old person….they have seen it, lived it, felt it, dealt with it13 March 2021 at 6:41 pm #51203
Just came here to say thats brilliant advice to the original poster.