Loosing the will to keep fighting

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  • #52795 Report

    JennyAD
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m a mum to a 4 year old little boy. Next week I’m on my 7th or 8th court hearing.

    I separated from my little boys dad 2 years ago and had to take out a non molestation order against him pretty soon after when he started threatening to kill me.
    A couple of months after we separated he got a new girlfriend and took me to court for a arrangement order. He had our son a night every weekend up until this point (even though he regularly went awol). He essentially wanted to clear up a weekend for himself.

    He always has (says friends and his daughters mum) and for the 5 years I had been with him, a weed, drink and cocaine problem. Never been able to kick it but promised he would a million times.
    Because of this I asked for him to do a drugs test. He ignored the court order to get one at every hearing (4 times maybe?), which has been going on for 10 months now. He finally accepted it the past few weeks and we have just got a result back from the 1.5 cm of hair they managed to get from his armpit (this is one of the hairyess guys you will ever meet but now shaves like a chicken apparently !?!) and it’s come back negative!?! I’m shocked, confused and angry. The test said he admitted taking  these drugs last year along with mdma when he was originally meant to take the test but now he’s managed to swindle it. I’m shook.

    A few weeks ago I also had my child maintenance appeal hearing. He was working six days a week as an Amazon driver with a huge van, bought 4 cars in 2 years, 3 vans, multiple motorbikes and redecorated but claiming to earn under £100 a week so child maintenance deemed him a £7 a weeker and wouldn’t look into it because he was claiming universal credit (absolute joke).

    The judges have refused to look into his earnings…. just a letter saying appeal refused.

    I got the first bit of child maintenance the day before the court case too. He has point blank refused to pay it for 2 years and child maintenance don’t take action until it hits £500 arrears.

    I’m dazed. Domestic abuse and harassment aside, I’m not bothered about the stuff he did to me in the past but I feel like the justice system and child maintenance system are totally failing my son and it’s killing me.  I should be fighting to make sure he’s safe at his dads long after hes finished with that poor girl (who I have no issues with, I’m thankful for her being the buffer) and that his dad contributes to his care….but how much more fight do I have left in me, I starting to give up. What’s the point, he’s the best manipulating con artist there is.

    If you managed to get all the way to the end, thank you for reading 🙁

    #52798 Report

    ocean27
    Participant

    Hi, reading this I am going through the exact same although I only on my 3rd court hearing and although it should all be sorted now, father only has child 1 day a week for 6 hours and every week there is an issue it never ever goes smoothly. I also feel like giving up I can’t carry on like this much longer. It has now gone on for a whole year and I see no end. I feel totally let down by all professionals and just don’t want to carry on. I actually feel like just handing child over to father if that’s what he wants so badly. As me trying to keep child safe and put her welfare first is just not working. He is turning everyone against me, turning everything around on to me. Gaslighting me, manipulating me, he is a narcissist and I can’t cope much longer how can I be a good mother when I am always stressed, upset, angry, time and time again because of him?

    #52802 Report

    Markie
    Participant

    Hi really sorry to here what your going through I went through this only the mother who is mother by name not by nature left for 3 years when my children were 3 and 4 came back took me to court and won 2 days aweek courts did not want to entertain the fact she left her children she has no interest in my children only child benefit /tax credits tried to explain this to the judge but was shot down for bring up past issues that don’t really count any more I have raised my children solely for the past 10years the mother has never paid a penny towards anything my kids are both in football acadameys and seniors all this cost alot I realised she will never contibute unless it’s maccys on the days she has them my boy has completely stopped going and my beautiful girl is nearing the same as much as this woman is a poor excuse for a mum I still feel sad for my children that they have to deal with this and almost feel it’s my fault I’ve felt so low and wanted to give up many times as a father you seem to have no rights …please don’t give up or give in to manipulation there’s only one person who will come out on top and that’s you stick with it don’t give up if the father doesn’t want to contribute then in my eyes he’s not a father and seems like he just wants to get in your head for your kids don’t let him do it i no it’s hard I have 4 on my own and get absaloutly no support don’t have family and give up all my so called friends to look after my children I also asked for a drug test (coke) on the mother which they flatly refused but got ordered to take one myself 😂 in a nut shell don’t give up be strong and don’t take no shit hope you can keep your head up 😌

    #52950 Report

    JennyAD
    Participant

    Hiya.

    thank you for your replies, it means a lot to know I am not the only person dealing with this.

    It feels worse that they are trying so hard to be a part of their lives, posting all the great parent photos and days out when in reality, it is just for show, praise and to make them feel good about themselves.
    I honestly don’t think he loves his kids. It’s so sad, but if he loved them he would be putting their needs above his own like a normal parent. He needs them to make him feel good about himself. He’s gone to court so he can tell everyone I am an awful woman keeping his son away from him (I only ever refused it he seemed unfit at the time) and he’s a great dad fighting for his kids, when in reality and what i am not allowed to say to anyone is he just wants to free up a weekend for himself and he’s always had access to his son. I feel like I’m screaming at a brick wall when trying to tell the courts and CMS that he is not a good person and he is hiding his earnings.

    For context, after a month of him not paying child maintenance I told him I was going through the CMS and he laughed in my face and said well you’re not getting a penny now. ‘Lost’ his job whilst he was on holiday (the day after CMS called him) and has been self employed ever since with zero earnings but ever gaining assets. He has in the past text, called and left voice messages saying he has overdosed in the house whilst he had the kids, he’s rang saying he had left the kids alone in bed and was coming to find me when I had gone on a night out after we broke up, he’s gone totally unreachable awol on weekends he was supposed to have the kids and the court are not even entertaining it.

    I would love to say he’s a great dad. I wish more than anything he was. But i’m dreading the day his partner sees the reality and leaves him because she is the go between, on my say so currently or until the courts give him access to contact me which he has requested  🙁

    I have become a shell of a person with the never ending court hearings. Constantly anxious, insomniac, drained and we were supposed to be getting on with our lives now. We were supposed to be free of his grip the day I managed to leave whilst he was at work. But it feels like he’s got us again.

    I feel like I’ve finally stood up for me and my LO and because I’m not rich enough to fight it, they’re not interested.

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