Long post – responsibility and loneliness ….
2 January 2021 at 4:24 pm #47546
Hi everyone, firstly I’m sorry for the length of this and the ramble but I’m hoping that someone here will understand.
I’m divorced and single with 3 kids, 17, 14 and 11. I live around 150 miles away from my siblings and I have no parents or aunties/uncle/grandparents.
I’m lucky enough to have a few very lovely friends who help me out when I (rarely) ask and they listen when I have a moan etc.
My siblings and friends say that I can speak to them anytime and they are there for me, but the truth is, I feel entirely alone. I’m so lonely at times its crippling. The thing is I’m not lonely in respect of doing things – like going to the pictures or a walk or shopping etc – I’m happy to do that alone or else the kids will be with me, but I’m lonely in the respect of being the only one with all the responsibility, the worry, the decision making. Although my friends are lovely, they aren’t really ‘in it’ with me – they don’t understand the pressure or anxiety involved in everyday living, all the things big and small. Plus they have their own lives and concerns and I don’t want to become another thing for them to think about.
Christmas and new year was hard for me – there was no one to share it with and by that I mean, there was no one to smile at and think – look what we did for the kids, we made it! Look how happy they are! No-one to share the burden with either. On Christmas night when it was all over and a success, I just wanted to sit down with a drink and feel like I’d achieved something with someone who was on my side, truly committed to the family and me.
I can normally cope well but I’m really struggling, most days I just want to sleep or cry or both, but I just carry on, put a brave face on and do what needs to be done, I spend a lot of time crying in the shower. I’m finding it hard not to overly worry about stuff I’d normally take in my stride, for example, my dog has kennel cough – shes been the vets and has some meds. She’s unwell but ok, but all I can think is – what if I’ve missed something. What if she dies? What if she needs more vet treatment? In my head I know the answer – I’ll do whatever needs to be done, I’ll find the money. It will be ok, but I just feel a total sense of doom and fear. Like I’m constantly waiting for the axe to fall.
My ex husband doesn’t see my kids – its been 3 years. The kids didn’t want to see him at first as he had hurt them so much (long long story) and he hasn’t even tried. He has a new baby arriving any day now with his new partner, who he had only been with for 8 weeks when she fell pregnant and that is playing on my mind too. Not through any sense of insecurity but I’m genuinely worried for his partner – he’s such a sly selfish man and she is clearly vulnerable – he is going to make her life hell. She’s still married to her wife and from what I can gather has had a tough time of things, she will think all her dreams have come true for now, but he wont be able to keep it up and she’s going to get hurt. I cant say anything to her as she will just think I’m nuts and the bitter ex wife.
I should be telling myself how well I’ve done – these past 3 years have been hard work. I work full time as a teacher. I’ve been promoted and managed to keep a stable happy life for the kids despite all the upheaval and trail of destruction my ex left behind. The kids are doing great in education, I’ve managed to take the kids on holiday – something we never could do before. I’ve improved our home, we had no heating for nearly 5 years and within a year of me telling the ex to go, I had it fitted. It was such an achievement. I also know I’m lucky – kids are healthy and good kids. I’ve managed to make us more financially secure, just but better than we were. I sorted the divorce, had to get an attachment of earning from CMS to get child maintenance from my ex – but I did what needed to be done. I have 2 lovely kind friends. But I cant shake off this feeling of being alone, all the responsibility is mine alone.
I could date to try and find a partner – but I think I’m too scared of being hurt and I think it would just become another thing to manage – as well as me having no-one, my kids only have me, so I think that if I’m distracted or not myself, the kids will miss out.
I could go on and on. I’m sure there must be someone who understands and feels the same. Any words of wisdom or advice gratefully received.
Thank you in any case for reading.2 January 2021 at 9:12 pm #47557
during my time in the health sector I worked for a hospital trust plagued by corruption and mismanagement on a gigantic scale. Things were just on the brink of collapse, but everything was still working somehow. For me it was horror every day because wherever I looked, I found a new can of worms and more people cheating the system. I was all alone and nobody there to share the responsibility with because nobody actually wanted too. In the end I had a long conversation with the matron and the chief consultant. Both were not in it but neither of them saw it in their power to do anything against what was going on. So my decision was, to let go. I did quit and just looked for another job. Some years later things sorted themselves out, and it was cleared up.
I wonder why you think, you have any responsibility for your exe’s new girlfriend and why on earth you know things so detailed when there is no contact between your children and their father?
Why do you think your children will suffer, when you become happier with someone else? They aren’t babies any more who need you 24/7.
Is it unthinkable for you to do something bad and stupid because of fear of judgement?
Going to bed with a halo makes bad sleep.
My advice: Go naughty.5 January 2021 at 4:30 pm #47618
I’m so sorry to read your post & to hear your having a lonely time. Please find a little relief in knowing I am feeling the EXACT same and am in a very similar situation (even down to the pet – my neighbours dog killed our kitten in November 2020 and it was truly harrowing – hopefully your dog is doing okay & im sure you are doing all you can to make sure he/she is & have gave him/her a fabulous, loving life.. anyways I digress).
As previously stated, I’m in a similar situation – my daughter has not seen her dad for 2 years – something which has really taken me a lot of time to accept as the rejection for her and lack of care or want to see her from his side makes me truly heartbroken. However, remember you can only control YOU and YOUR actions. Although it would be great to give his new partner some advice and a heads up she will not want to take it and it sounds like you definitely know that. Unfortunately she will find out the lessons for herself.
Christmas and new Year are incredibly emotional & tough times, especially on your own. All the feelings you described, I almost welled up reading them because it’s exactly how I feel. I’m an accountant, got my own house etc so also very well educated, feel like I should be more appreciative etc. but I just can’t help feeling the same way.
I just wanted to send you this message so you don’t feel alone & it’s taken me a long time to get to this, but the other day I was thinking..
One day it won’t be just me & my daughter anymore, it will be us and ‘a new partner’ so I really should cherish these precious moments because it isn’t going to last. Soon we will have to take into consideration someone else’s feelings, someone will be leaving dirty socks lying round the house, someone to have disagreements with etc. so please just be kind to yourself, your doing a fabulous job & your doing it all on your own! Great things are coming to you, please believe it. The loneliness won’t last forever & im sure you are a wonderful mum also which is the biggest achievement in the world. Hopefully this time next year we’ve had a great Christmas as a new family.
I hope this helped.5 January 2021 at 5:51 pm #47624
Ness: I feel for you so much & what uve written is so true.
Im on my own,I have 3 teenagers and 1 a bit younger who’s being homeschooled (out of neccesity) which is driving me insane.I’ve been on my own for 9 years & while i have plenty family living nearby we might as well be no relation at all,in fact I think if we weren’t related they wld probably see i needed support & help me.So family’s not really always the answer.I don’t know How you manage to work full time.I find part-time plenty difficult.I think all you have achieved is amazing!! I really think we should stop calling ourselves ‘single parents’ as if we’re lacking- we are DOUBLE parents.Sometimes I look back over the years… and wonder: How?! But I do find not having another adult to talk to,crippling.IWork from home so i can go a few days without seeing anyone ,& then it starts eating at me,really not a nice pastime so I’ll go round to a local shop or something.Pathetic really but it helps a bit.With covid it’s really been difficult. sometimes feel like the last person left alive on this planet, so I’ve started watching a lot of TedTalks,the funny ones are good and they really help to take my mind off my loneliness,thinking about it always makes it worse btw.(It helps me to remember that if I get depressed my kids dad will feel better,so that aint an option).I used to cry a lot as well but then I just got too tired…Please don’t feel like you’re so alone-there’s so many of us doing this & while our situations are different i’m beginning to see we’re really all the same inside.Lots of love your way.