23 January 2020 at 9:24 pm #36044
Hi, ive just joined after some advice .I’ve been separated from my husband for just over a year now. He won’t move out, so we live together , but we don’t argue anymore. He works late in a very social job most of the week. I am at home with the children. We don’t speak like we used too, and I just feel very lonely . I have friends, but they all have their own lives and children . I work , but from home so don’t really mix with my work peers. I’m still very sad, very angry but I’m coping. The loneliness and him still being at home are the worse things, any advise !24 January 2020 at 5:51 pm #36091
Youve likely done one of the best things, by appealing for advise on here.
Have you tried CAB or legal advise?24 January 2020 at 7:59 pm #36097
Kttn, I can’t imagine much worse than living with an ex in that situation, no wonder you feel isolated. You are very brave.
Have you or he filed for divorce yet? The sooner you get out of that situation to somewhere you can relax and socialise with friends or the neighbours – and just not walk on eggshells, the better.
Does he look after the kids so you can have a break at the weekends, to meet friends for a coffee or go to the gym. Somehow you need a chunk of time to yourself each week – even just an hour – to relax. Sending hugs x26 January 2020 at 9:04 pm #36143
Oh lovie – I know exactly how you feel.
My husband announced he was leaving & our marriage was at end but then didn’t make any effort to find another place to live for 6 months, even though he had another woman & refused to consider any possibility of a reconciliation. He seemed to think it was ok to continue living in the same house together exactly as we had for the previous 14 years, except that he slept in a separate room. It was extremely painful & confusing for me. I think he was hoping, because the deeds to the house were only in his name, that I would move out, but as primary carer of our 2 children, with half his income, I was in no position to do that.
I registered my legal interest in the house with the land registry by way of a matrimonial charge & told him if he wanted to end our relationship he would have to be the one to leave. I explained how the situation was affecting me & the kids, & the practical impossibilities of me moving out. I found him a local rental property & gave him the details, & it worked. He left. I never wanted that, but ultimately there has to be some positive action of some kind. You can’t live in this awful limbo forever.
If you are both sure the relationship is over, then you both need to move forward with your separate lives, & that can’t be done while you still live together. At the moment it sounds like he wants to have his cake & eat it – marriage over, single life, but a lovely home with the kids always there & someone to care for them, cook, clean & all the rest of it. That is unfair on you.
I know you are raging. I know you are beyond sad. You feel like you are going out of your mind. The one person you would have talked things over with is now this weird stranger that you don’t even know how to act towards any more. It’s incredibly hard, but try to step back & look at the situation from a practical point of view, putting the children’s welfare uppermost. What are the options? If you were to leave with the kids, where would you go? Can you afford to pay rent or get a mortgage? What about work? What about childcare? Getting the kids to school etc etc. Make a list of bills you would need to pay & compare that against your income. Factor in an estimate of maintenance payments he will have to pay you. Check to see what benefits you might be entitled to. Now do the same if your husband was to leave. If you find the most practical option is for him to leave, then you will have some hard facts & realities to present him with. It is incredibly tough & unfair that it should be you having to do all this, but for all your sakes, somebody has to do it. If he won’t listen, put it in writing & let him think about it on his own or maybe see if you can get him to go to a mediation session with you. That might bring it home to him.
And think about how often the kids will be with him during the week. If he wants to see them once you live in separate homes, he won’t be able to socialise every night & weekend! Doesn’t he want to spend time with them? You will always be their primary carer – if he wants to be part of their lives perhaps he should show his commitment to them now & look after them some nights so you can go out & socialise. You deserve a life too – if he wants you to move on with your life, you have to be able to meet other people. Fair’s fair.
I’m now a year on now since my ex left. The assets have been split, separation agreement in place, finances sorted & I’ve moved house with the kids. I won’t lie – things are not at all easy. I have a lot of financial worries, I struggle with technical problems in my house like electrics & plumbing, & of course the awful terrible anger & sadness goes on, especially when I see him. But it has helped me to work through it by taking control of the nitty gritty things & taking action, even though I never wanted this new unlooked-for life as a single mum.
You’re not on your own Kittn. Hang in there, take stock, make a plan. And when you get stuck, there’s lots of folks here with a kind word & understanding support when you need it.
Sending you strength & lots of hugs. Hope things move forward for you soon Hun. Xx