Lone lonely mum of 3

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    Em-la
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    Hi all,

    literally feeling so alone right now.

    I left my husband about 2 years ago now and I’ve absolutely no regrets, awaiting divorce. It was my decision to leave I fell out of love .

    I had two children with him ages 4 and 5 at present and an older son who’s 9from a previous relationship. My eldest son has ADHD.
    The youngest children go away to their dads weekly for 2 nights , a weekend on and a weekend off and the other week is a Thursday and Friday.  My eldest goes to his dads on a Friday night each week and stays away for the weekend on the same rotation the other two are away with their dad.

    im finding it hard recently to not feel lonely with or without them. I miss them so much when they are away and can’t wait for them to get home, but when they get home, they’re so full on and I am then counting down the days till I’m alone again. I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling so alone when I’ve got their company and I want to enjoy my children so badly but it’s just a day to day struggle with all of their needs and I burn myself out and end up hating myself for not doing a good job each day as their mum, I just want adult company someone else around to talk to and be with.

    I do have a boyfriend, we’ve been together for around a year now , but he doesn’t have children and hasn’t met mine, it’s scary for him that I’ve got not just 1 but 3. We only see each other once a week if that, he can be full of excuses sometimes to not see me and have his alone time to game (he’s a heavy gamer) and has not spent more than 1 night with me so far and a bit of daytime. We don’t go out for walks or anything, just hang out at his in his room in a shared accommodation house, only public places we’ve been to together are supermarkets. He’s struggled with his mental health for a while now and so have i, I want to see more of him but I’m too scared that he’s just not wanting to put the effort in and peel himself away from his computer. So after I’ve spent time with him I overthink all the what ifs and worry he’s going to cancel seeing me when the kids are away and I’ll be alone again depressed and anxious waiting for them to come home. He has said it won’t be forever like this, he just needs to start working back in the office rather than at home and he will feel better and have more time to spend with me, but he’s already backtracking on that , he’s back to the office this week and I’m child free next weekend and he said he can hopefully see me but he’s got a busy working week so I’m not hopeful. Makes me feel rejected and unwanted and not like a priority. He messages me and calls me daily and tells me multiple times a day that he loves me. We plan to grow old together, but with one day a week and such a slow moving relationship it’s hard to vision and not worry it’s all words to him.

    I have my parents close and my brother but see them rarely face to face only on video call due to COVID.
    I have a handful of friends but they are all busy with their own families at weekends.

    my car is on its last legs so venturing out on days out is difficult to do.
    money is tight, I work 3 days a week and get other income too, I am also doing a degree in psychology and about to start my last year in October.
    I’m on antidepressants already, I do mindfulness meditation to try and improve my anxiety, negative thoughts, confidence and mental health but nothing seems to work because I just feel so alone even though I’ve got people around me.

    can anyone relate to this or suggest anything that may help me please?

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