Life after attempted suicide *Trigger warning*
7 May 2020 at 4:19 pm #39769
My personal experience is a major trigger but I’m looking for support and similar cases that can help me continue on my way out of this struggle.
My sons Dad left when we found out we were pregnant. So I had the whole pregnancy to get used to the idea of being a single parent. It felt right and I knew at the time that that’s what I wanted for my son and I. Just the two of us. My son is now nearly 3 years old.
I started to struggle around 10weeks post partum. I’ve been on a regime of antidepressants and cbt ever since. I did however hit a really good few months in Nov/Dec 19 and weened off my AD and got to the gym for the natural happies. That lasted until mid Feb’20. It was a weird day. I was post nightshift at the hospital, my brother had left after having my son for me overnight. A switch went off. I suddenly wanted to die. I was exhausted. I know my son will always pull me through the dark times but this time it didn’t happen. Early afternoon I packed a bag for him, all his essentials, favourite toys, my perfume and a picture of us, I even wrote letters. One to him, one to my partner (not my sons Dad, I met him a year prior and thankfully we are still together) and one to my Aunty. Then I left a list of contact numbers. I continued my sons usual routine, dinner, bath and bed. Read him a story and held him longer than usual and then went downstairs. I’d taken around 150+ tablets. My plan was to call the police and get my son removed, that’s why I left all the contact information but unfortunately the medication I took, effected me quickly. My neighbour was fortunate to “pop” in at the “right” or “wrong” time, and found me and got me help. Arriving to hospital with a GCS of 3 and staying in recus for 7hours, I luckily responded before heading to ICU.
So that’s the basics. Coming out of it was hard. I’ve even lost family members over my attempted suicide as they can’t believe I actually felt that was the only option. I’ve already gone through the guilt and self loathing stage once getting my son back 1/2 weeks later after I rested. We now have social services input, which I’m very transparent with and not defiant about. They’re there to help.
Im back on a new regime of medication and am just hoping there’s a way out from this. My mood is still low and I hit another bad patch last month when I reflected on what happened and wished it worked. But I didn’t have intent to do it again. It just worries me that I’m scheduled another “switch off” where I do attempt again. My main struggles are that it’s constant. No break from being a mum etc. My family arnt local so I don’t get the occasional respite. I fully understand that this is single parent life but I didn’t expect to go through it with mental illness and struggle this much.
Has anyone else gone through anything similar?
I get counselling that I’ve set up through my job which is on site at the hospital, I’ve been back to work for a while now as it helps me rather than a hinderance, CBT accessible to me isn’t affective, and I keep in close contact with my GP because we monitor upping my meds etc.
Lockdown of course hasn’t helped as no matter what, your mental health issues come into that with you but I am still grateful I still get to work and my son can still enjoy his nursery days whilst I do work. I know we are all struggling during this, I just really need some extra help. I don’t want to effect my son anymore. I want to be that fun happy mum for him but he only gets to see that once in a blue moon.
Thanks to anyone who’s stuck to this entry the whole way.
Similar experiences? Other services to help? Routines or mental stability practices that helped you?
Thanks in advance, LL7 May 2020 at 9:09 pm #39782
Hi L, firstly can I just say you are absolutely amazing for accepting and admitting you need help – everyone does at somepoint in their life. I have never personally attempted to take my own life but have thought about it on many occasions.
You are taking all the steps in the right direction for you and your little boy. You will find a way through this and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Just make sure you talk about your feelings to family/friends/partner or even online, keeping anything bottled up will make things worse.
Sending love and wishing you and your little one all the best!11 May 2020 at 9:55 am #39889
Im sorry that things went this way for you. Ive struggled with postnatal depression since having my first child and it got sognificantly worse after my second child. I too am a single mum. Even nearly 3 years on from having my youngest I still suffer with the effects of PND – I have developed an anxiety disorder and suffer mood swings from deep depression, to mania to axtreme anger. Its hard dealing with it. And its hard dealing with kids by yourself. They are constant.
I will say this to you – the parenthood side of things does get easier. As they get a little older and a little more independant it takes some of the pressure off you. And you’re son is just at an age where he’ll be getting ready to start preschool (once this pandemic is over) and not far off starting school itself. Things will change dramatically for you then in a good way!
Dont feel too much pressure to wean yourself off the meds. Im still on meds and not even ashamed to say it. At the end of the day having a baby caused a massive hormonal response in my body and triggered a hormonal imbalance and thats nothing to be ashamed of at all and if you need meds to help re-balance those chemicals then again thats nothing to be ashamed of. When I was at my worst before I started new meds 2 years ago I was also suicidal. I didnt attempt it purely out of luck that I had family who saw the signs ans intervened and got me in touch with my doctor before it escalated. But I srill have dark moments from time to time where I think the kdis would be better off without me and times I struggle to cope with how awful the world can be and the pressure of parenthood. But each time I reject those thoughts Im a little stronger for it and theres a little longer between when I rejected them and when they happen again. My home is covered in picture frames with pictures of my kids to remind me every time I walk into a room what I have to be thankful for and why I have to keep going. But the best advice of all I was given was that each morning you wake up means you’ve survived another 24 hours. Its another day you’ve kept going and made it through. And to take it day by day and not to put too much pressure on yourself. And that mentality of seeing each day as a victory really did help me massively.
I would say stick with the meds – if you start feeling better that could be cause the meds are working smd therefore you shouldnt rush to come off them again. Seek help in your darkest moments – everyone needs help from time to time theres no shame in that and mental healthbis not trivial or a burden to doctors. Take life one day at a time just now. And most importantly be kind to yourself.
Hope this helps and all the best. Pm me if you ever need a chat