I’m new here and I want to leave my husband of 25yrs. We have a 13 Yr old and it’s that old cliche, I love him but I’m not in love with him. I used to think that was a stupid saying until I find myself here. He’s a good dad and idolise me but for the first 15 years he was emotionally controlling and I had no confidence. I basically do everything for him. But now I find myself daydreaming of leaving and how I’m gonna do it but how do you sit down and rip a good man’s heart out. I’m dreading the conversation. But I know I need to leave for both our sakes.
What a difficult and traumatic situation it sounds like you are in. If it was me I think I would sit him down, tell him how I feel, and suggest couples counselling to work out whether your marriage is salvageable or if not, how you can separate in a way that causes the least upset for you all, and especially your son. I may however wait a few weeks until life is more normal, so if the conversation goes wrong, he has choices around staying with a friend or family member to get some space, if he or you, need that That would also help you both to have that conversation away from your son.. I suspect your ex won’t be totally surprised, it’s hard not to notice when the ‘in love’ has gone, and he may be relieved that you have the courage to admit something is wrong. You say you do everything for him, which must be exhausting, especially during lock-down when there’s little respite from each other, and it must be hard not to carry resentment around his earlier behaviour, and feel then for granted if he’s not pulling his weight at home. You may find that a good therapist helps you both resolve what has got you here, and make the changes that would help you fall back in love. Failing that, it will at least help you work together to support your son, and having other person looking in may help you both get through it with the minimum animosity. If your husband idolises you, he will I imagine agree to this in an attempt to save your marriage. I have personal experience of a brilliant family therapist who is also specialist in teenagers so will be able to talk to you both about how to minimise harm for you son should you decide to separate. She is doing Skype sessions with her clients at the moment. If you’d like her details, drop me a private message and I’ll send them to you. Julie