Leaving an emotionally abusive ex after 24 years

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  • #42013 Report


    Anyone actually gone through with this and can give me some advice? After 24 years with my husband, my first love, I think it’s time to leave. He has cheated, denied and cheated again. He’s requested 3sums and gets angry and threatening when I tell him I don’t want to. He won’t show me and love or affection until he gets what he wants and thinks I should be a wife and do as I’m told. He wasn’t always this way. He has changed over the last few years. I don’t want my children to grow up like him and I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love and respect me.  I also worry about how they will cope if I do leave and how I will provide for them on my own. Would be good to hear some success stories, in particular how you left in the first place.

    #42056 Report



    #42069 Report


    What does 3sums mean?
    as for doing what you are told, well what era is he living in?? That’s a shocking attitude towards a woman!!

    #42080 Report


    What made me leave was fear that my sons would see my ex as their role model and turn out like him – thinking excessive anger was acceptable. I could not bear this for them.  I thought they had not seen the worst of what he did. He enjoyed making me do what I was told in private, and it is frankly not hard if you are willing to use any means necessary.  I left by scripting what I was going to say to him. I am not going to lie, I was scared. Scripting meant I didn’t have to think while scared, and I had all the answers. Once he left I was suddenly able to see how abusive he had been. I hadn’t realised, as stupid as it seems, and yet it was horrific.  I was too busy dealing with it to see, or allow myself to see. I also discovered my eldest knew a great deal more about what had gone on than I thought. My sons handled the separation ok. They didn’t like it, but then they didn’t like his anger either.  My eldest has struggled with knowing what went on. Financially it has been hard but nothing like as hard as living with him. I never regret for one second what I did. It is freedom.

    #42083 Report

    Hi there

    Thankyou for sharing your experiences.  Its important to get the right information and advice when dealing with a partner or ex partner that can be threatening and aggressive.  An agency that can help is Womens Aid.  They also run a helpline called the National Domestic Violence helpline.  Here are the details for both:

    • National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to historic abuse  Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    • Women’s aid – https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

    This is organisation runs the national domestic violence helpline, but their website may be able to offer you information

    Hope this information is of use, Justine

    #42095 Report


    Hi there I have just joined the forum myself as I would like to be able to chat and reach out to other single parents and maybe even make some friends. I am sorry to hear about your situation and really feel for you. I am not actually in that situation exactly but have similarly been in a long relationship over 25 years with first partner and not as happy as one should be. He can also be emotionally and mentally abusive and indeed behaviour has got worse over the years. I am in the process of assessing things and trying to make some changes. I can only advise that you deserve to be happy and if you are not happy which sounds like you are not then try and start thinking about making a change – I know its not easy especially when you have been with someone for such a long time but continuing on can sometimes be the easy option.  You will be ok and there is help out there and of course your children may be much happy when they see you happier and more content. Be strong and see what you can do you may surprise yourself. Good luck!.

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